


Pragma

by CheckYourLie (svnwritten)



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: 80s, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Historical References, Implied Sexual Content, Jongdae is your fave local emo ghost, Korean History, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Temporary Character Death, blink and you'll miss selu and chansoo, ghost au, korean folklore, korean shamanism, pining longing yearning - we have it all, they are going to suffer but at the end everything's going to be alright, this is basically reincarnation au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-28 01:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 44,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20055796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnwritten/pseuds/CheckYourLie
Summary: Pragma - love that has matured, aged and developed over timereincarnation au where Baekhyun gets to be reincarnated and Jongdae is a (pining) ghost that follows his soul





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *kicks the door*  
I'm back. This is my first fic for this fandom in 5 years (5 years!!) so please be kind to me :")  
The fic itself is divided into two parts, the first one is historical, the second one is modern and I hope to post it within next 2 weeks.
> 
> Big THANK YOU to be incredible, incredible beta aka @kpoppie-memexo on tumblr. Great person, highly recommend befriending that human.  
You can also follow me on tumblr at @healthyamountofcrazy

Jongdae barely remembered that time when he was alive. All that was left were pieces of information, fragments of memories and a few random names that were stored in his head. Strangely enough he never felt sorry for not remembering more, choosing to believe that he remembered only what truly mattered.

After all when you are dead you don’t need much in general. Or at least so Jongdae believed. 

When you are dead you are trapped in an endless loop. Or at least so was Jongdae.

When you are dead your fate doesn’t depend on you. Or at least it didn’t to Jongdae.

* * *

From his memories Jongdae concluded that he once was a son of a general or someone equally important. The hushed whispers still echoed in his head the hesitant alliances left traces on his fingertips. In his worst moments he still smelt the stench of fear in the air. In reality Jongdae had never made it to the day when rebellion ended and - as a result - a new era began. Only later, centuries later, by accident really, he found the trace of his own name in old documents. He didn’t feel much when he read about his past. He couldn’t bring himself to care about the war, countless battles and the uprising.

One of the things that Jongdae remembered vividly was pain.

He remembered getting heavily injured. Someone pierced his thigh with a long sharp _ hwando _and the next thing that he acknowledged was an overwhelming pain that wrecked his body. Then, there was only a fever so high that it felt like being set on fire over and over and over again. 

Technically he was still alive. On his better days he was walking, talking and laughing. Sometimes, when the fever seemed to drop, he still helped his father with his military duties. He had hope. Everybody had back then.

* * *

_ 30th August 1387 (13th year of U of Goryeo) _

_ Gaegyeong, Korean Peninsula _

“Are you sure you feel well today, darling?” asked his mother worryingly as Jongdae walked down the corridor. The shaking was barely visible. 

“Yes, mother. I feel well enough and it’s only right for me to greet father’s guests.” he snapped back, annoyed with people constantly tip-toeing around him. He felt better. He really did. The gash on his thigh was slowly healing and he felt better than a few days ago. It was a good opportunity to slowly reestablish his position. Not to mention that if he wanted to pursue his career, he had to start expanding his social backup.

Not greeting Byuns when they were visiting the household would basically erase everything Jongdae had accomplished so far. He prayed to his ancestors that the Byuns were understanding of his still quite poor physical condition, hoping that his hollow cheeks wouldn’t scare the guests too much. He needed to make a good impression.

The silk felt cold against his skin, a pleasant sensation after days filled with crazy fever eating him alive. It was refreshing. He straightened his back, waiting in front of the room. He couldn’t be more ready.

Someone announced him to the nobles gathered in the room and he slowly walked in, bowing politely. After few seconds his father gestured him to get up and Jongdae finally could face the guests. Everything ceased to a moment. It was like suddenly there was only Jongdae and him. That person. That man who was standing on the opposite side of the room.

He couldn’t be important in the eyes of the nobles but something pulled Jongdae towards him. He gulped. He felt as though his whole life depended on the second their eyes met. 

As if he had thick cotton in his ears, Jongdae could barely hear introductions. He replied almost automatically, uttering polite compliments and greetings, bowing as often as he took a breath.

“...and that’s my youngest son, Byun Baekhyun…” Jongdae's and the stranger’s eyes met his once again. Reflecting on these events years later, Jongdae liked to think that it was when he sealed his fate. He couldn’t know that this story was already written in the stars long before he was born.

Jongdae smiled to Baekhyun, bowing a bit deeper than the etiquette required. And he was rewarded with those beautiful brown eyes lighting up and with this pink lips widening in a smile. And Jongdae thought that Byun Baekhyun surely was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Delicate but strong. Polite but with a pinch of mischievousness sparkling in chocolate eyes. Skin kissed by the sun but hair as black as ink and mystery.

To Jongdae, Byun Baekhyun was like a shining, bright diamond decorating the room. He was simply breath-taking and only his reputation stopped Jongdae from falling on his knees.

Back then he didn’t know the term “love at first sight” but it didn’t mean that the feelings stirring in his heart meant anything less.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kim Jongdae.” Baekhyun said, voice nice and smooth, softer than the most expensive of silks. Jongdae had never thought that his name could sound so sweetly. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.” Jongdae answered politely, though inside he was shivering with excitement. He yearned to say something more, anything to deserve Baekhyun’s attention but before he got a chance, his father swiftly pulled him to the maps spread across the table, already engaging Jongdae into political discussions.

Desperately, he tried to stay focused on the conversation and his breath hitched every time Baekhyun’s eyes landed on him while he listened to what Jongdae was saying. And every time it happened, he had to bite down the smile forming on his lips. 

He could have sworn that the air smelt of melted caramel and lotus flowers that evening.

“I’m glad that we finally could meet each other.” said Baekhyun softly, as the meeting had come to an end. “Hopefully our paths will cross more often in the future.”

Jongdae’s heart clenched painfully as he watched the Byuns leaving the household. The soft ‘goodnight’ was still ringing in his ears as he was walking back to his chambers. Warmth that he felt was nice and cozy - for the first time in weeks. He didn’t recognize that feeling back then, thinking that it was simply admiration and respect. It didn’t even cross his mind that it might had been romantic attraction. But he already found himself missing Baekhyun’s company.

That night Kim Jongdae dreamt of kind smile and attentive, brown eyes.

Next morning fate laughed at him and his health worsened.

A mere week later he was screaming in pain, his cheeks were once again dry from tears and his eyes - hazy from fever. Two weeks later - in one of the moments of rare consciousness - he realized that the illness never left and that he wasn’t meant to recover. 

Last days of his life were full of darkness. Blissful minutes when his mind was clear, he spent on thinking about his life. His happy memories, his sad memories, his joys and disappointments. Regrets. And dreams that he was never meant to fulfill.

He wished he had more time to admire Byun Baekhyun

_ “Byun Baekhyun… Even if it would be from afar.” _ was Kim Jongdae’s last thought before he died.

* * *

_ 19th September 1387 (13th year of U of Goryeo) _

_ Gaegyeong, Korean Peninsula _

Realizing that he was dead was neither too hard nor too heart-breaking. He knew it was coming and he was prepared. As much as one could be ready for his death. First couple of minutes, or maybe hours, Jongdae spent trying to figure out what to do next. He looked around the room. No ancestors, no smiling spirits of the land. Only Kim Jongdae. It did not look thrilling if he was honest.

A little bit hesitantly he walked through the heavily decorated door. The house looked like a normal residence of a noble family. It didn’t take him long to see the first human - a woman carrying a basket full of vegetables. It took him even less time to realize that no matter how loud he was speaking - she couldn’t hear him. No matter what he did - she couldn't see him.

He belonged to the sphere of spirits now while she was still on the living side. Strangely, it made him feel safer and soon enough he started snooping around. The house was huge but almost empty and for a moment Jongdae wondered if maybe the family was away and that’s why he landed there after his death.

He skipped through the corridors, humming cheerful melodies but the sound died in his throat when he walked into a small room and his eyes landed on the person leaning over the table. Jongdae stopped almost immediately and quickly hid behind a wall - a silly habit of a once living person - letting his eyes drink the beautiful view in front of him.

Byun Baekhyun looked as perfect as Jongdae remembered. 

His brows were slightly knitted and he appeared to be deep in thought but what surprised Jongdae most was the traces of tears on his cheeks. He gathered the courage and moved a little bit closer - step by step - until he was so close that he could count the flowers embroidered on the expensive collar around Baekhyun’s neck.

Warily, Jongdae reached his hand out and - oh so carefully - let his fingers hover above Baekhyun’s shoulder. He gulped loudly and delicately lowered his hand, hoping - praying - for any kind of physical contact. But his hand met no resistance. It went through the shoulder as if Baekhyun was a ghost - not Jongdae. 

Paradoxically, it was the breaking point for Jongae - not his illness, not his death. He didn’t even realize when tears started rolling down his own cheeks. He dropped his hand and looked down, unable to keep his eyes on Baekhyun. 

His last words rang in his ears and roared in his heart:

_ “Byun Baekhyun… Even if it would be from afar.” _

“I guess I got what I wanted…” he whispered to himself.

Swiftly, as if his life depended on that, he turned on his heel and ran out through the open door. Away, far away from Baekhyun - boy that he was to admire - far away from people who were still alive, far away from everything.

Jongdae ran and ran and ran, until something on the back of his mind started tugging him back. He stopped on the top of a hill. He wasn’t out of breath - despite running for so long and that thought was as terrifying as hopeful. He could still run, even further, until he would stop somewhere where nothing would remind him of his past. His hand raked through his once soft hair tied in a simple braid. He took a deep breath that he didn’t need and looked down the hill.

In the far distance he could still see the house he ran away from. It was shining like a red ruby, as if it was the centre of the world. The beating heart. Jongdae could almost see Baekhyun still sitting in his room, still leaning over the ancient Chinese texts. Something started beating faster in his chest. Everything in his soul begged him to come back.

“I shouldn’t stay here.” he told himself but there was no force behind his words. “There is no use in looking over the life of a man who I barely know.”

And then - the strangest thing had happened.

As soon as Jongdae tried taking first step into the woods some invisible force pushed him backwards. The man stumbled on his feet, blinking rapidly in surprise. 

“What the hell…” he mumbled and once again tried stepping forward. The result was the same.

He tried walking the invisible barrier away. He tried jumping through it, running through it and crawling under it. But he couldn’t walk past this point.

Ever since he hit the barrier for the first time, he suspected of what was happening, but he didn’t let this thought sink in until the sun started disappearing behind the horizon. 

He sighed and looked down the hill again. He could still see Baekhyun’s house. No matter what he did, no matter where he went, he could always see Byuns’ house. He couldn’t leave Baekhyun.

Defeated by his own feverish wishes, Jongdae directed his steps back to the residence. Warm lights were lighting up the whole building, along with the yard making it look more homey and Jongdae couldn’t help the calmness that started spreading across his body. His lips spread in a gentle smile as he walked into the room through the window, realizing that the other man apparently fell asleep. He crouched down next to Baekhyun, eyes never leaving his face.

Byun Baekhyun was truly exquisite. Now that Jongdae could stare without any fear, he started noticing more of his facial features: the little mole above his lip, the length of his eyelashes, the soft curve of his eyebrows and the roundness of his cheeks.

Unable to stop himself Jongdae delicately touched Baekhyun’s forehead, trying to sweep a soft of his hair away. He expected his fingers to once again go through the body but this time it didn’t happen. For a brief moment he could feel the warmth of Baekhyun’s skin under his fingertips. 

The contact was too much for him.

Surprised and terrified Jongdae stumbled away while Baekhyun groaned and lazily fluttered his eyelashes as if the gesture woke him up.

With eyes as big as saucers Jongdae observed Baekhyun who sleepily looked around the room. A shiver rolled through Jongdae’s body when Baekhyun’s gaze stopped exactly on him. But he couldn’t see him. Jongdae was dead. 

“What…” whispered Baekhyun, his eyes narrowed. He wasn’t looking into Jongdae’s eyes but the latter was somehow looking_ at _him.

The smell of lotus flowers and sweat filled the room.

Jongdae’s throat was dry and his heart was violently hammering against the chest. Finally he parted his lips, a shy ‘sorry’ forming at the end of his tongue. He could almost feel its taste in his mouth.

“Byun Baekhyun are you done sulking over that poor boy?” the door opened loudly, letting a tall, young man inside - Byun Baekbeom, the eldest son of the family. “You didn’t even know him that well.”

“Am I not allowed to mourn?” Baekhyun looked at his brother, frowning angrily.

“You’re sulking, not mourning.” cut Baekbeom shortly.

“I’m mourning after an intelligent, young man who was clearly skilled in politics. We lack people like him, especially considering the upcoming change of dynasty.” replied Baekhyun as a faint blush covered his cheeks and the tips of his ears. His eyes were shining dangerously with unspilled tears.

Baekbeom arched his eyebrow, clearly doubting his brother’s honesty. Eventually he shrugged and changed the subject:

“Father’s been requiring your company, Baekhyun. I recommend not to keep him waiting.” he suggested quietly. “And remember that if you want to talk about something… You can always come to me.”

“Unless you’re away. Then I can sulk alone, right?” smiled Baekhyun bitterly and something about those words made Jongdae’s heart break in half.

Baekhyun elegantly got up and straightened his robes. He was about to leave the room, when something stopped him in mid-action and he looked in Jongdae’s direction again. This time it didn’t feel as if they were looking at each other. This time Jongdae felt as if he was nothing more than air.

“_ Hyung _…” said Baekhyun, gaze fixed in one place.

Baekbeom hummed in response.

“Before you came in, I saw something weird.” started Baekhyun. “It looked like a thick mist but it was… there was something odd about it. It almost felt…”

Jongdae gulped heavily, bracing himself for the next words. He opened his mouth and let the syllables roll down his tongue with perfect synchrony with Baekhyun’s voice.

“... like a ghost.”

* * *

_ 6th May 1564 (19th year of _ _ Myeongjong _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Gyeongju, Joseon _

After Baekhyun’s third death - when he was shot with an arrow on a battlefield - Jongdae accepted that he was doomed to follow the latter’s soul forever. He didn’t dwell into the fact that everyone except himself were getting reincarnated over and over again. Jongdae’s undead life was already weird without it.

The general rules never changed - he couldn’t leave Baekhyun’s side for too long and he couldn’t walk away too far. Baekhyun was always named Baekhyun but people around him tended to change - for example sometimes he had a brother and sometimes he didn’t. Social status also varied depending on the incarnation. Same went to the cause of death. Every time Baekhyun’s body died in one place, a few seconds later he was being reborn in another place. No recollection of memories from the previous life. Jongdae’s spirit had to follow him, all of his memories - intact.

Sad but he got over it.

The baby in front of him started crying again.

* * *

_ 16th December 1569 (2nd year of _ _ Seonjo _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Gyeongju, Joseon _

Jongdae smiled softly at the little boy playing in the corner of the room, cooing at the way his small hands were gripping the doll. Baekhyun was the only child that passed the magical line of five years old and he was a real treasure in the Byuns house. He was spoiled beyond any measurement - more than ever before - but Jongdae was sure that he would grow up to be a fine man either way.

Jongdae rested his back against the doorframe as he watched Baekhyun playing. Few months ago the boy went through very serious chicken pox and he was still a little bit weak. Jongdae still felt a little bit uneasy every time Baekhyun as much as coughed, therefore he never left his side. Not that he had much of a choice anyway. 

In some aspects Baekhyun’s traits never changed but also - changed every time at least a little bit. Every incarnation was unique but each of them was also undoubtedly ‘Baekhyun’. Jongdae still couldn’t pin-point what exactly did he find enchanting about him.

“Baekhyunnie, sweetheart, mum has to go take care of something. Play by yourself nicely, would you? Sunshine?” said Jaehye suddenly. Jongdae frowned. Baekhyun wasn’t allowed to stay alone. “Wait for mummy, I will be right back.” 

Baekhyun paid no attention to her as he played with his toys, carefully putting one wooden block over the other and soon enough the only souls present in the room was him and Jongdae. Baekhyun was a quiet child - in contrast to his previous incarnation when had been screaming almost non-stop. Jongdae smiled to the memories. He really liked watching Baekhyun grow up all over again and trying to figure out which events of his life would be the most significant ones. It was the most entertaining thing Jongdae could do in his afterlife. Even if he had to live with a pain in his chest, knowing that he would never be a part of Baekhyun’s life.

Jongdae shook his head. He shouldn’t think about this too much. It led to nowhere and always left him sad and devastated. He took a deep breath. A gust of wind brought the fresh scent of oakwood and Lotus flowers into the room. 

“Ah, Baekhyunnie if you only knew...” said Jongdae to himself and took two steps forward.

As soon as the words left his lips, Baekhyun’s head shot up and his lips formed a perfect “o”. His movements ceased and his pretty brown eyes widened. The child’s eyes were staring right at Jongdae.

“Who are you?” asked Baekhyun after a moment, tilting his head to the left. “Are you dad’s friend?”

Jongdae quickly turned around. But there was no one behind him. They were alone. Only him and Baekhyun.

“Excuse me?” he managed to say. “Are you talking to me?”

“Are you dad’s friend?” repeated Baekhyun.

“You can see me?” screeched Jongdae as the reality started sinking in.

This question seemed to confuse the boy a little bit as he bit his lower lip, nodding slightly. Hesitance and fear appeared in his bright eyes and in a matter of seconds Jongdae found himself crouching next to Baekhyun. 

“You can see me, Baekhyunnie!” Jongdae cried out as quietly as he was able to. He couldn’t believe this. For the first time in two centuries someone was speaking directly to him. And that someone was Byun Baekhyun himself!

“I can.” confirmed the child quietly, “So, are you dad’s friend? I’ve never seen you before...”

Jongdae bit the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t sure how would Baekhyun react to the fact that Jongdae was in fact very dead and very much of a ghost.

“I’m your old friend.” he said finally as it wasn’t a lie. Not exactly at least.

The answer apparently satisfied the boy as he proceeded with another question: “But I don’t remember you?” he seemed honestly sad now.

“We met a long time ago. I’m not surprised that you don’t remember me.” Jongdae reassured. 

“We should tell dad! He always complains that I don’t have enough friends!” suggested Baekhyun with a wide smile and, not waiting for Jongdae’s reply, rushed out of them room.

“Baekhyunnie! Wait for me!” shouted Jongdae after him and quickly followed child’s steps. 

He knew that it wasn’t a great idea to let Baekhyun tell his father about it but he couldn’t stop him. He wouldn’t even try being as drunk with happiness as he was now. His heart was singing the song of happiness and joy. Everything felt like a dream. He had no idea why Baekhyun could see him but maybe it meant that the curse he had put on himself was finally over. Maybe it meant that soon his own spirit would be able to finally leave. 

Jongdae stopped abruptly. 

The real question was if he actually wanted to leave.

The fate was playing games with his heart once again.

“I don’t want to leave him now that he can see me…” Jongdae whispered to himself firmly. The sound of bare small feet broke the silence of the hallway.

With difficulty, the ghost smiled at running Baekhyun. He wanted to spread his arms and allow the child to fall into his embrace but decided not to test his luck. As far as he was concerned he was still a ghost but he wasn’t sure how Baekhyun would react to running through him.

“I forgot to ask about your name…” said Baekhyun, blushing shyly and Jongdae’s heart melted a little bit.

“It’s...” Jongdae hesitated. He was dead for way too long for somebody to recognize his name but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear it falling from Baekhyun’s small lips just yet. He made the decision in a split of a second. “You can call me Dae.”

“Dae-ssi!” beamed Baekhyun, new name rolling cutely on his tongue. “Please follow me.” he bowed with respect and waved at Jongdae to follow.

With every step they took, the anxiety was raising up. Jongdae’s heart was beating so fast that he was certain he was going through a heart attack. He didn’t know if anyone aside of Baekhyun could see him and he wasn’t sure what he would prefer. Somehow he suspected that Baekhyun’s parents wouldn’t be thrilled to see a stranger inside their private chambers.

“Dad!” cheered Baekhyun happily, running into the room at the end of the hallway. Jongdae knew it was Baekhyul’s office. 

He had been there thousands of times and yet he froze in the doorway, watching as Baekhyul tightly hugged his son. The lump in Jongdae’s throat was growing bigger and bigger. 

“My little boy!” Baekhyul smiled widely, his whole attention focused at Baekhyun. “What are you doing here?”

The moment of truth.

“Look, look, dad! Look who came to visit us!” he said excitedly and pointed his finger at Jongdae.

In a slow motion, Baekhyul’s gaze travelled from his son to the doorway. Jongdae’s heart was beating so fast and hard that he was on the verge of fainting. 

And then - Jongdae saw it in his eyes, in the frown on his face, in the awkward quirk of his lips.

Baekhyul couldn’t see him.

“Who visited us, Baekhyunnie?” he asked glancing at his son.

Baekhyun frowned looking between his father and Jongdae. The latter shrugged, trying hard not to burst into tears in front of the kid. He wasn’t sure if those were tears of joy or sadness. It seemed that after all this time he was still Baekhyun-exclusive.

“Dae-ssi is here…” replied Baekhyun. “Can’t you see him, dad?” 

Baekhyul shook his head, a gentle smile slowly lightening up his face. Fate was treating Jongdae fair, just like it always did. He was still a ghost. Invisible and alone.

Apparently Jongdae’s face expression worried Baekhyun as he shifted on his father’s lap, his lips tugged down.

“Are you okay, Dae-ssi?” he asked naively. 

Jongdae forced a smile on his face even though the tears kept welling up in his eyes. He nodded, avoiding the boy’s eyes. 

“You can tell your dad that I’m a special friend and that he can’t see me just yet.” he said eventually. He shouldn’t lie to a child but he wasn’t ready to tell the truth either.

“Oh, I understand!” nodded Baekhyun immediately and repeated what he was told.

“Jongdae must be a very special friend then.” replied Baekhyul slightly rocking his son back and forwards. “You can thank him for taking care of my precious child.” he added after a moment of silence and just like that all the weight disappeared from Jongdae’s chest.

That was right. Now that Baekhyun could see him, he could be his actual guardian angel, whispering advice into his small ears and suggesting solutions if Baekhyun was lost. It changed everything! He could talk to Baekhyun! Even if he was only five now... he would grow up eventually and then Jongdae would finally tell him his worries and share his problems! The possibilities were endless. It was so much more than he was able to do during past centuries! Carefully he spoke up again, directing his words to Baekhyun.

“You can tell your father that I will do my best to watch over you. Forever” he said quietly as traces of affection started sticking to his throat.

Baekhyun nodded obediently and turned back to Baekhyul.

“Dae-ssi says that he will watch over me. He promised to be with me forever.”

* * *

_ 15th September 1571 (4th year of Seonjo of Joseon) _

_ Gyeongju, Joseon _

It happened suddenly and there was no way for Jongdae to be prepared for the upcoming events.

Ever since he learnt that Baekhyun could see him, they spent every minute together. They grew to become friends - though Jongdae never told the boy that he was a ghost. He didn’t want to make things awkward. 

Thanks to Baekhyun’s talkativeness, Jongdae sometimes felt like an actual member of the family - even if only one person knew of his existence. After years and years that the ghost spent alone this cheap form of normality, of contact with other human beings, made Jongdae absolutely ecstatic. Maybe he should have expected that it couldn’t be this way forever. But maybe, just maybe, he chose to ignore those thoughts.

That morning, on the 15th September, Jongdae was watching as Baekhyun sleepily rub his eyes after a long night.

“Hey, Baekhyunnie.” greeted Jongdae, smiling widely. “Ready to get up and play? It’s warm, maybe we could convince your nanny to go outside, what do you think?” he asked curiously, sitting next to the child and awaiting his response.

What he heard however was nothing he was prepared for.

“Dae-ssi? Where are you?” frowned Baekhyun clearly confused.

Jongdae laughed a little bit nervously.

“What are you talking about, Baekhyunnie? I’m right here.” he pointed at himself. 

“Dae?” asked Baekhyun again, panic rising up in his voice and eyes slowly filling with tears. “Dae-ssi where are you? This is not funny!” he shouted out the last sentence and Jongdae winced. Baekhyun wasn’t the shouting type.

“Baekhyunnie…” he said carefully, waving his hand in front of the boy's face.

The action however wasn’t acknowledged by Baekhyun in any way. Instead the boy quickly got up and, after stumbling over his blankets, ran towards the door. Thick tears were rolling down his cheeks and Jongdae’s heart sank.

Baekhyun couldn’t see him anymore.

He froze in the stop, unable to answer child’s cries and pleads for him to come back. He wasn’t able to move from his spot and the only thing that he could focus on was the sound of his heart cracking in half.

_ “I’m still here, Baekhyunnie…” _

* * *

_ 15th September 1771 (47th year of _ _ Yeongjo _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Pyongyang, Joseon _

It was the 384th anniversary of Jongdae’s death and exactly 200 years since the last time he was able to talk to any of Byun Baekhyun’s incarnations.

Last two centuries that Kim Jongdae spent in complete and utter silence.

* * *

_ 24th October 1771 (47th year of _ _ Yeongjo _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Pyongyang, Joseon _

The 9th incarnation of Byun Baekhyun had just recently turned 50 years old. His wife - Taeyeon - died 13 years ago. Both of his children were already married, living with their own families. Only two souls were left in the household - a man and ghost who haunted him.

Jongdae shivered. The residence had been so cold recently and he suspected that it had something to do with Baekhyun’s mood. Throughout all incarnations he was a cheerful person. Even in the moments of solemnity he always saw a ray of hope. But not this time. The energy that was once sparkling in Baekhyun’s eyes, was gone - a sight so sad that Jongdae could barely bring himself to watch. He wished that he could help but he didn’t know how.

Jongdae didn’t know the remedy to one of the most cruel illnesses known to humanity - loneliness. He was suffering from it for ages himself.

Sighing, Jongdae let his fingers hover above Baekhyun’s hair - pretending that he could touch and caress it, bringing comfort and warmth. The hair was still black but every year more and more grey streaks appeared among it. The time was ruthless even to the most beautiful of flowers.

“Oh, I swear I’m going mad!” groaned Baekhyun and shook his head. Jongdae moved a little bit closer, desperately trying to calm down the distressed man.

Baekhyun glanced to his right and suddenly his face was inches away from Jongdae. His warm breath was unknowingly fanning ghost’s icy cold cheeks. Jongdae shifted in his seat but didn’t move away. The closeness was still something he yearned after all these years because despite being cursed to haunt Baekhyun for centuries, he always tried to keep the distance between them. He never followed the man when he sensed that Baekhyun wanted to be alone or when he engaged in physical activities of a sexual nature. Being a ghost didn’t mean that he had to disrespect somebody’s privacy. Not to mention that he happened to be very well-mannered, thank you very much.

But now, that Baekhyun was so close, Jongdae simply couldn’t make himself lean away. He was absolutely and completely enchanted with Baekhyun’s brown eyes and his still handsome wrinkled face. Even after all those years, Jongdae was still mesmerized with Baekhyun’s beauty.

“You are a masterpiece, you know?” Jongdae asked shyly, knowing that the other wouldn’t hear him. 

There was a beat of silence and for a moment Jongdae was scared that his words somehow reached Baekhyun ears. But the latter only sighed again and hang his head low.

“I swear… One day…” said Baekhyun after few minutes and Jongdae frowned. Just as he was about to move away and leave the other man alone, Baekhyun started speaking again: “I know that I am not alone in this room, spirit. I’ve been seeing your shadow behind me ever since I can remember. One day… You will have to face me.” he declared but it didn’t sound like a threat. The phrasing were soft and delicate, almost welcoming.

For a moment Jongdae’s heart stopped beating before it started racing again. 

Not even once Baekhyun hinted that he knew of his presence. And yet he had just admitted that he could sense Jongdae. That he was aware of Jongdae’s company! Through all these years - maybe even through all these incarnations - Baekhyun knew that he was never alone. Jongdae bit his lower lip, trying to stop it from trembling. Salty tears were already running down his face. 

Baekhyun knew. 

Two centuries since the last time they talked and almost 4 centuries since they saw each other in flesh and yet Baekhyun still could feel Jongdae around him. And it seemed that he knew that the spirit would do no harm to him. Something warm exploded in ghost’s chest. He felt more alive than ever.

“I also hope that one day you will face me” he whispered quietly as Baekhyun’s eyes closed.

* * *

_ 15th January 1772 (48th year of _ _ Yeongjo _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Pyongyang, Joseon _

In his wildest dreams Jongdae didn’t think of calling for a shaman and asking them to perform the ritual. Though generally shamanistic rituals were quite popular, it wasn’t common to call for a shaman if nothing significantly _ bad _ happened. At first even the _ mudang _ herself was really reluctant, explaining that her vision may not be clear as Baekhyun wasn’t sure of his own intentions but at the end - he managed to convince her. 

Because indeed Baekhyun didn’t explain to anyone what exactly was his problem, only mentioning that he sensed a spirit in his household. He neglected the fact that ever since he could remember, he knew that someone was watching him.

Jongdae wasn’t sure if he liked the whole idea. For a while he even considered running away. In theory he couldn’t go far but it was still possible for him to leave the household for a while. He could hide in a barn or somewhere close and hope that the _ mudang _ wouldn't find him. The temptation however was too big. Shaman was a bridge between two worlds, right? So she could possibly know the answer to all of Jongdae’s questions. 

At the end he decided that he could gain more than lose from taking part in the ritual.

That’s how he found himself sitting patiently on the floor behind Baekhyun as both of them watched _ mudang _ performing the ritual. There was plenty of music and dancing and shouting and Jongdae wondered if any spirits out there was truly entertained with this kind of celebration. Because he surely wasn’t. The colours were dancing in front of his eyes, mesmerizing theatre of flowers and rainbows. Layers of _ mudang _’s robes were twirling in the air as if they weighed nothing. Everything looked almost effortless but heavy tension was hanging under the ceiling.

Suddenly _ mudang _ and the music stopped. The shaman still had her eyes closed and several drops of sweat were covering her forehead as she started rocking back and forward. Jongdae gulped, the anxiety was crawling under his skin, the feeling almost physically uneasy. Then, slowly, _ mudang _ opened her eyes.

And once she did, she looked directly at Jongdae. She could see him. 

Everything was covered with a thick fog that smelt of lotus flowers and heavy incense. Jongdae got up from his seat, nervously looking around. His eyes immediately rested on Baekhyun’s tired silhouette and his heart sank. He wasn’t looking at Jongdae at all.

“They can’t see you, young soul.” said mudang quietly and her lips quirked up. 

Jongdae immediately looked back at her.

“Why?” he replied and it sounded much sharper than he intended too. “He can see me sometimes. He saw me once. Ages ago.” the words spilled from his mouth almost without his consent. 

Hearing that mudang laughed. “So you’ve been after this man for years now.” it wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Jongdae didn’t deny.

“Is the spirit really with us?” said Baekhyun suddenly, his eyes wandering around the room. His voice was nothing more than a shadow to Jongdae.

“He is.” confirmed mudang. “He can hear too.”

“Tell me how does he look like.” demanded Baekhyun looking at the shaman, which resulted in her chuckling.

“He is young. Very young man. Handsome too. You died too early, didn’t you, darling?” she asked glancing at Jongdae.

“I was 22.” provided helpfully Jongdae. “My name...”

“Shush. Don’t tell me your name.” cut quickly mudang. “Names have a great power and I see in your aura that I’m not the one in possession of your name nor should I be that person. Not me and not now. Do you understand, spirit?”

Jongdae could feel the blood in his veins growing hotter and hotter with every moment. He wanted to say his name out loud. He wanted to introduce himself, like a human being should. He wanted to hear his name fall from Baekhyun’s lips. And the shaman, mudang, this old woman in front of him, could see all of that in his eyes.

He gasped as something shook the floor under his feet.

And suddenly it was like being in fever again. Everything burned him from the inside and his vision was spotted with black dots. Jongdae stumbled on his legs, breathing heavily.

“I can’t talk to you for much longer. You shouldn’t talk to humans yet. You are not ready.” the shaman said quickly, “You talked to him before, didn’t you? To Byun Baekhyun.”

“Yes.” replied Jongdae but his voice was paper thin. He could barely focus on mudang’s words. The world around him was spinning. “I talked to him when I was alive and later… Two centuries ago.” his breath hitched. Every syllable, every sound brought more and more pain but he still had questions. 

Mudang started chanting another song and from the words hanging under the ceiling, Jongdae understood that she was breaking connection with him.

“Wait!” he cried out desperately, trying to force his legs to step closer to the woman. “Tell me!” he yelled hoarsely, “Will I ever be able to meet him again? Why am I stuck? I’m just…”

The words died in his throat. The fever was gone. There was no trace after the fog in the room. Mudang wasn’t looking at him anymore. She couldn’t see him anymore. Jongdae fell on his knees and hid his face in his hands. He lost his chance. The presence of unknowing Baekhyun sitting next to him became unbearable. He couldn’t stand the shaman standing in the middle of the room either. Jongdae was about to leave the room, when mudang called loudly.

“Spirit, I can’t see you anymore. But I know that you can see us. You can hear us.” her voice was much weaker than back when she was in her trance but it still made Jongdae freeze.

“Spirit.” she started again. “Your destiny is to wait. I saw that in the fog that was around you. You wait and be patient and one day, you will get what you yearn after. Your dream will come true but it takes time. You need time. More time.” the shaman finished and closed her eyes.

Jongdae didn’t look behind when he left the room. The rest of the day he spent in Baekhyun’s room, curled in the corner and crying himself to sleep.

* * *

_ 3rd June 1856 (7th year of _ _ Cheoljong _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Hanseong, Joseon _

It was a sunny day and Baekhyun was smiling that very evening which meant that it was a good day for Jongdae too. The air smelt of summer and freedom and that’s exactly how both of them felt. It’s been a rough couple of years as the tension between Joseon and Japan was worsening. Being a son of one of the oldest yangban families Baekhyun was unwillingly tangled in the middle of the conflict between the fighting political fractions and Jongdae knew that it was stressful for him. It showed through the loud sighs and soundless sobbing in the middle of the night.

So really it was a blessing that Baekhyun could finally afford a free evening just for once. He needed that.

Jongdae smiled sweetly. Baekhyun was currently in his 20s and - despite the stress he was going through - he looked like a dream. Perhaps it was one of the best of his incarnations so far. His skin was glowing under the sun, his hair was thick and healthy, his eyes were shining like a freshly polished amber.

_ “But it’s so much more than just his looks” _ realized Jongdae as Baekhyun smiled at his reflection. Because truly he was a beauty but it was his personality that made him stand out in a room full of people, that made him sparkle with a light so pure that Jongdae thought he’d go blind sometimes. 

The ghost knew that his admiration for the human grew with every incarnation. He once tried to compare this feeling to something but he couldn’t. It was like taking a deep breath and drowning in the water at the same time. It was like soaking in the sun but knowing that it may burn you. It was like eating sticky rice but starving. The affection Jongdae felt for Baekhyun was sweet, passionate and addictive. 

Sometimes he still wished he could talk to him. Even if it was just for a minute. Even if it was only to greet him. But ever since the ritual centuries ago, Jongdae wasn’t able to connect with the human world at all. Let alone with Byun Baekhyun himself... 

At this point the only thing that kept him hopeful was _ mudang_’s advice. _ Be patient and wait _. So wait was what Jongdae did.

Baekhyun lightly pinched his cheeks and grinned at the silver mirror in front of him. 

Jongdae grinned back. Just like that his mood improved. 

The evening was warm and the last rays of sun were casting orange reflects on the streets.

But to Jongdae Baekhyun was much brighter.

* * *

_ 23rd August 1856 (7th year of _ _ Cheoljong _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Gates in front of Park’s residency, Hanseong, Joseon _

Kim Jongdae loved Byun Baekhyun.

He knew that, he was aware of that, he accepted that.

After all he could either hate person he was bound to or love them. And Jongdae was never a hateful person. So yes, Jongdae didn’t have a problem with that. It was hard not to coo over adorable small Baekhyun covered with dirt and dust in 1570. It was hard not to be proud of Baekhyun who passed a civil service exam in 1640. It was hard not to cheer for Baekhyun at his 50th birthday in 1771. 

Kim Jongdae loved Byun Baekhyun like a friend loves a friend.

Or so he thought.

* * *

_ 24th August 1856 (7th year of _ _ Cheoljong _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Private chambers of Park Chanyeol, Hanseong, Joseon _

Kim Jongdae found out that he was in love in the evening of August 24th 1856, when Park Chanyeol kissed Byun Baekhyun and the kiss was returned.

* * *

_ 23rd August 1856 (7th year of _ _ Cheoljong _ _ of Joseon) _

_ Yard of the Park’s residency, Hanseong, Joseon _

Jongdae by no means was stupid or oblivious. It’s just that no one had ever bothered to offer him a choice or perspective. For years and years everything he saw was men kissing women and women declaring their undying love for men so naturally he assumed that there was no way for this to work between people of the same gender. And even if it did it surely didn't apply to him. 

Until 24th August 1856 Jongdae chose to believe that the stinging in his chest he felt when Baekhyun was kissing women wasn't jealousy but his own embarrassment and decency. 

But his heart didn’t sting when Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun. It was pierced with thousands of needles and it hurt so much that it took Jongdae’s breath away. 

Running away was his first instinct so that’s what he did. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to watch this happen again. He was scared that it could break his heart and ultimately destroy his soul. 

Jongdae was shaking. Every breath he took was almost suffocating, as if the air was too much for his lungs to handle. He didn’t need oxygen. He needed Baekhyun out of this place. He needed Park Chanyeol to drop dead on the spot.

For the first time in his life, Jongdae thought that it would be best if he didn’t die such an abnormal way. Because if he didn't then maybe he wouldn’t be able to get his heart broken.

* * *

_ 2nd October 1931 (21st year of Japenese occupation of Korea) _

_ Niigata, Japan _

Apparently kissing Park Chanyeol in Baekhyun’s past incarnation was enough for him to start kissing men exclusively. Innocent pecks in the forest that promised much more in the future. Teasing brushes of lips behind the wall when there was a possibility someone could catch them. Sensual and passionate kisses shared in complete privacy. Baekhyun had experienced all of them. First with Park Chanyeol, then with Do Kyungsoo and after that with Oh Sehun. And that was only Baekhyun’s previous incarnation.

Jongdae lost his count on how many men had Baekhyun kissed since he was born in 1899. On his defence most of those guys were nothing more than a fling so there was a big possibility that even Baekhyun didn’t remember most of them.

“Oh, joy.” mumbled Jongdae as he slipped into the room Baekhyun that shared with Chinese man called Zhang Yixing. 

Clearly Zhang Yixing, who could barely speak Japanese and couldn’t utter a word in Korean, was nonetheless very skilled with his tongue which was deliciously shoveled into Baekhyun's mouth. 

“I literally left for like 10 minutes to see what was going on down the hall. I swear to god you two know no chill.” sighed Jongdae, leaning against the wall. Despite jealousy burning inside of him, the sight didn’t make him sick anymore. He got used to that over time. 

Baekhyun arched closer to Yixing, trying to get more friction between their bodies. The eyes that Jongdae loved so much fluttered when the Chinese man pulled him closer. Baekhyun sighed loudly, melting into the embrace and quickly capturing Yixing’s lower lip between his teeth. Their movements were sharp and frantic, stripped from any kind of deeper emotions but the way their bodies moved was still quite magical.

Jongdae bit his lower lip, trying to keep his own fantasies away. There was something attractive in watching Baekhyun when he was kissing other men. And yes, maybe Jongdae was jealous, sue him, but it’s not like he had a chance anyway.

A shiver rolled down his spine when Baekhyun moaned loudly, tugging on Yixing’s grey shirt.

“You are a very bad person, Kim Jongdae.” Jongdae whispered to himself. 

He slipped down the wall. It seemed that it would take a while and he could as well enjoy it while sitting in the first row.

* * *

_ 17th October 1931, _

_ Niigata, Japan _

Baekhyun’s eyes fluttered innocently when he curled next to the man on his bed. Yixing chuckled. He had a really nice laugh but Jongdae’s heart sank anyway. Because these were the moments that hurt him the most. Not making out. Not even sex. But these rare days when Baekhyun let himself be vulnerable in the arms of another human being. It was a completely new side of Baekhyun and Jongdae was as thrilled as scared of that. Most of all however - he was jealous that he wasn’t the one with whom Baekhyun could share that time. 

It wasn’t that Jongdae didn’t know what exactly Baekhyun saw in Yixing. No. His dimples were undeniably cute, his eyes were really beautiful, his lips looked soft and he certainly had everything that could satisfy a potential lover. 

But Kim Jongdae had been there for Baekhyun for almost 700 years now. So maybe he deserved to be with him a little bit more than Yixing who could barely hold a proper conversation, knowing only Chinese. Not that Jongdae could talk to any of them. But it was different, right? He was a ghost so at least he had a proper excuse. 

“Hey, Yixing…” whispered Baekhyun suddenly, startling everyone in the room. 

Yixing hummed absentmindedly, his fingers running through his sweaty hair. The faint scent of sex and rain was still hanging in the air. Sometimes when Baekhyun wasn’t tired after a day spent in the factory, he used to talk to Yixing about his life in Korea, about his dreams and about his worries. In exchange Yixing traded his own stories. They didn't understand a word from what the other was saying. To Jongdae, it was something heart-breaking to watch.

“You know what… Nevermind it’s dumb…” Baekhyun laughed quietly.

Yixing grounted. Over the past few weeks they developed a strange way of communicating through grounts, coughs, giggles and the basic Japanese. They could barely understand each other but at the same time they understood each other perfectly.

_ “Talk… I want to hear you...” _ encouraged Yixing in his broken Japanese. 

_ “Your pronunciation is improving.” _noted Baekhyun whose linguistic skills were on a much higher level. 

_ “Talk,talk.” _ repeated Yixing stubbornly. 

Baekhyun sighed loudly, playing with Yixing’s long fingers. 

“Well,” started Baekhyun again switching to Korean. “I miss home a lot, you know? I bet you miss China too. Sometimes I see you going through all those small pedants you brought with yourself. I don’t even have to know what they are to know that they are important to you.” he tugged lightly on the pedant hanging on Yixing’s neck.

“And then I think about things I took from Korea and I think that none of them is as meaningful as your pedants.” continued Baekhyun in a hushed tone. If someone heard him speaking Korean here, he would be doomed. “Literally all I have are my clothes. I really thought that I was going here only for a while, you know? And look at me now! Over three years in Japan and still going strong!” he threw a fist in the air, laughing bitterly, “But sometimes… I don’t know how to explain it… Sometimes I feel like there’s a Korean spirit traveling with me. Something or someone familiar that makes me feel safe. I can almost feel the warmth on my skin, you know? There are days when I think I see someone with the corner of my eye, or in the window. But no matter how much I try, I can’t see them properly… I just want to thank them. They are the reason I'm not an empty shell by now" he finished quietly, staring into the ceiling. 

Jongdae waited with crying until he was sure that both Baekhyun and Yixing were asleep in their separate beds. They never actually slept in one bed. Mutual agreement. It was too intimate. Which actually worked for Jongdae pretty well. 

Once Jongdae started crying it was hard to stop. Tears were flowing down his cheeks, tracing violent streams and painting his face with colourless salt. For most of the time the loneliness was bearable for him but there were nights like this one, after Baekhyun’s surprising admission, that Jongdae didn’t know how to deal with his existence. He was lonely, cold and starved for any kind of contact. Above all, however, he was tired - the seed of hope that was given to him, instead of sprouting, was growing smaller and smaller.

“I miss you so much, Baekhyun. Even if you don’t miss me yet.” whispered Jongdae, leaving a breathy kiss on Baekhyun’s temple.

And maybe it was Jongdae’s imagination or maybe it happened for real, but he was ready to swear that on that exact moment Baekhyun smiled in his sleep.

* * *

_ 13th July 1986 _

_ New York, USA _

The stars were winking mockingly at Jongdae. They weren’t as bright as stars in Korea. He was almost sure of that. But Baekhyun’s carefree smile made it up for that.

When nineteen years ago, Jongdae found himself standing in the middle of the hospital, surrounded by people who used language he could barely recognize, he was on the verge of tears and panic attack. That was until he heard a loud cry of a newborn. He looked at the baby and smiled. Everything was alright. It was still Baekhyun. Everything was going to be okay. Eventually. 

Turned out that "eventually" takes time. 

America was a strange country and it didn't resemble Korea in the slightest. So it was safe to say that Jongdae was lost from the very beginning. 

To start with - the language. He was learning English as Baekhyun was learning English but soon enough it became clear that Jongdae could only dream of being this fluent. It took him over 10 years to try speaking to himself in English and he still thought that his pronunciation was horrible. From the other hand Baekhyun could barely form a single sentence in Korean. For most of the times he communicated in English which was alright even if Jongdae sometimes couldn't understand him well. 

If America was confusing then 70s and 80s were mind-blowing. 60s were weird in terms of fashion and lifestyle but it was still nothing compared to the punk revolution. Now that was absolutely out of Jongdae's comfort zone. 

He could get used to jeans, shirts and thick sweaters (it took him surprisingly long to realize that he was no longer wearing a hanbok), but leather jackets, heavy boots and pierced ears were something he thought he'd never be comfortable with. That was until Baekhyun started wearing those of course. 

Jongdae wasn't sure what was first: the clothes or the rebellious attitude but he had to admit that both somehow matched Baekhyun's personality. Maybe it was because of his experiences from past incarnation - the trauma, working at Japanese factories, then World War II and then Korean World - or maybe it was just a new side of Byun Baekhyun but he was rebelling against a lot nowadays.

Somehow it felt that only Jongdae saw what was under this shell - the loneliness, the chaos, the confusion. Baekhyun was all of that. And ever though for the time he was loud and eager to put a fight, he had days when he just wanted to be alone. Days like today when he hid on the small yard behind the old factory where only stars and hollow windows could judge him.

Loud howling pulled Jongdae back on earth. He didn't even have to turn around to know who was coming their way. He snorted loudly. Show-offs. Not exactly the type of people Jongdae would associate himself with but it wasn’t his life but Baekhyun’s. And he seemed to like Kris, Han and Junmyeon a lot so who was Jongdae to tell him otherwise. No one. He could even talk. 

"Baek, Baeks, Baexie!" Laughed Han, lying down next to Baekhyun who still seemingly didn't acknowledge their presence. "I knew that we would find you here! What a good friend I am by knowing where Byun Baex likes to hide from the world."

"I know someone who would buy that information for a good stash." Laughed Junmyeon. 

That seemed to get Baekhyun's attention as he turned around abruptly to face the group:

"Don't you dare tell that Mark. I swear to god, he doesn't take no as an answer." He hissed through clenched teeth. 

"You should just give him a chance Baek. He even went as far as learning how to say your full name. Granted. It didn't even up well but he tried!" giggled Junmyeon as he flopped next to Han. 

"Screw you, Jun." snapped Baekhyun. 

"Not into boys. Told you already."

"Okay, okay. Enough of those childish games." said Kris, sitting on the grass in front of the rest of the group. "Baex, I already said Jun and Han but listen man, today I have something really fun!"

Baekhyun melodramatically sighed and propped on his elbows. Jongdae knew that it was just a pose. Baekhyun was very dramatic. He had an image to live up too and he didn’t plan on failing or so it seemed.

The air smelt of cigarettes and lotus flowers. 

“What did you get this time, Kris? New cigs or something?” he asked instead and Kris grinned wickedly.

“Something much better!” clapped Junmyeon happily. “I think you’ve never tried smoking pot, have you? I’m almost sure you haven’t since you never visit Lucas. Neither do I, by the way”

“Yeah yeah! So imagine that Kris managed to finally get in touch with the real deal that sells Lucas that stuff!” interrupted Han giggling softly. Only then did Jongdae notice that his pupils were blown.

“Oh?” Baekhyun arched his eyebrow, “So you actually brought the stuff to me? How considerate of you.” he snorted but not even the nonchalant shrug did a poor job in hiding his excitement.

“Damn right, boys!” laughed Kris, carefully pulling a small package out of the inner pocket of his jacket. “We’re going down tonight!”

Jongdae knew that maybe he should have been concerned about what was going on but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t that he was a guardian angel or something. Sure, it was terrifying that Baekhyun breathed next to something that was classified as a drug but he knew that it could be worse. Besides back during the Old Age, Chinese medics used to use those herbs as a way to soothe pain so really Jongdae wasn’t panicking at all. Instead he sat at the window sleeve and watched Baekhyun taking long deep drags. The smoke was drifting around the group, making them look like they were surrounded by clouds. 

Soon the atmosphere could be described as a relaxing weekend with a pinch of a rebellion. Junmyeon lied down on the grass and closed his eyes, gentle smile in the corners of his mouth. He looked peaceful which didn’t happen often. He was really active member of many local communities and there was yet to be a strike that wasn’t organized by him. Han and Kris on the other hand… they were preoccupied with each other. Their touches were gentle but too lingering to be random or platonic. Jongdae smiled to himself. Han and Kris looked cute together. They would make an amazing couple.

All in all, that left one person alone.

Jongdae jumped off the window sleeve and casually strolled closer to Baekhyun. He was sitting with his back turned away from the building but it was clear that his posture was much more relaxed than before.

Carefully, like a cat, Jongdae crouched behind Baekhyun and leaned his head a little bit forward, almost resting it at the latter’s shoulder.

“How are you feeling, Baekhyunnie?” he asked softly. His voice was quiet and he didn’t bother hiding the warmth spilling from his words. He wouldn’t be heard anyway - so he thought.

But when Baekhyun suddenly jerked away and turned around, everything that Jongdae thought stopped being the matter because clearly he was heard. He was seen. 

Baekhyun and Jongdae screamed in union.

And then Jongdae did what he was best at when situation was out of control - he ran away.

* * *

_ 3rd November 1986 _

_ New York, USA _

Kim Jongdae was a coward and he knew that. He kept Baekhyun on distance all the time now but especially when he was getting high. Jongdae would only watch him from far away. He wasn’t ready for Baekhyun to see him, to face him. It seemed… inappropriate. Especially since he knew that Jongdae’s presence wouldn’t disturb Baekhyun. His eyes were even more droopy, usually hazy with pleasant laziness. His attitude changed too. The laugh that Jongdae loved was more carefree, its sound much softer, as if it lacked all the sharp edges.

It wasn’t that Jongdae didn’t like this version of Baekhyun. No, it was in fact very endearing, slightly amusing and utterly adorable. It was that Jongdae was afraid how Baekhyun would reflect at talking to him once the high was over.

As a result those last few months had been the longest and most painful period of time in Jongdae’s life. He had been following Baekhyun around for centuries and now that the latter could apparently see him, under particular circumstances - Jongdae was too scared to come closer.

So he started living up to his nature. He became a ghost lurking in the shadows and hiding in dark corners. He became everything that could keep Baekhyun away, simply because he couldn’t stand those brown eyes looking at him, when he was vulnerable. When he was afraid of rejection.

_ “Next time I will come closer” _ he used to tell himself.

* * *

_ 20th November 1986 _

_ New York, USA _

It was only Baekhyun, Junmyeon and Tao this time. They were discussing something serious like the world’s peace or the communism while waiting until the effects would kick off. Tao was a sleepy high. He usually just started at nothing, smiling softly and caressing his pierced ear. Jun from the other hand was exceptionally cuddly. Not that anyone minded. 

Jongdae was standing at the top of the factory so he couldn’t hear them well anyway. He thought that he would be safe just being there - that his presence would be unnoticed like it usually did, so he threw his head to the back, sighing loudly. Old memories filled his head. The scent of petrol, sweat and something sweet and flowery hit his nose. It was a calm evening. 

So he really couldn’t be blamed for not hearing the creak of the fire stairs until it was too late. 

“I just call you ‘Chen’, did you know that?” 

Jongdae opened his eyes too quickly and even the deemed lights seemed to be too bright. And all the sounds around him ceased and all the movement was non-existencial. There was a high possibility that the whole world stopped or maybe it was never existed in the first place.

Baekhyun casually sitting down on the roof, soft smile gracing his features. He seemed to be completely oblivious to Jongdae’s shock.

“I call you Chen…” he started again, “And I know that I can see you only when I’m off my head. That’s pretty cool.” Baekhyun finished quietly and turned to face Jongdae. His eyes, beautiful brown eyes, were staring at the ghost. At Jongdae unmistakably and undoubtedly. 

They were the only two people on the rooftop afterall.

Baekhyun laughed quietly. His laughter was still bright like a north star shining in the middle of the night. No sharp edges. Only soft light. And now it was meant for Jongdae’s ears only. Like a secret. 

“What are you a mute or something?” Baekhyun asked, “Because I’m pretty sure that you talked to me once. Do you remember? You never came near me after that.” rambled Baekhyun without a break. “You’re Korean, right? Just like me. You do look Korean. I bet you’re better at speaking Korean too. I can barely hold a conversation. You could totally teach me, right?”

“I’m…” started Jongdae but the words got stuck in his throat. Unable to formulate a logical sentence he focused on the silver earring in Baekhyun’s ear. 

“Oh, right! I was meaning to ask.” laughed Baekhyun and maybe Jongdae felt like flying. “What are you exactly? Like my hallucination or what? Because I’m pretty sure the others can’t see you.”

That question made Jongdae smile. So Baekhyun assumed that he was one of the side effects of smoking weed. It was much safer than the truth. Jongdae could roll with that version.

“Hallucination?” repeated Jongdae slowly, “Yeah… You could say so…” he agreed quietly. 

“Your accent is cute. I wish I had Korean accent too. It’s fun.” 

Jongdae laughed “It’s not all that fun. It really makes me feel insecure, you know?” he said because that was true and because Baekhyun always made him open up. Even if he didn’t know that he was listening.

“Well, I think it’s just badass! You’re a living example of a person who exists on this thin line between one world and another.” replied Baekhyun quickly. Jongdae tried really hard not to laugh. It hit home a little bit too much. “You speak English but you still feel Korean by heart since you don’t try to hide your accent! That’s beautiful! Don’t lose this kind of approach. Embrace yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that who you are is wrong!”

“You really live up to your rebel image, don’t you?” snorted Jongdae. 

“Well of course! Punk is a lifestyle!” Baekhyun smiled lazily.

Suddenly it turned out that the hardest thing wasn’t running away from Baekhyun. It was trying to not stay close to him.

* * *

_ 29th May 1987 _

_ New York, USA _

“Do you think that I made you handsome on purpose, Chen?” asked Baekhyun, trying hard to keep his eyes opened.

The air was filled with the smoke coming from the blunt that was hanging between Baekhyun’s long fingers. Jongdae felt like choking but it had nothing to do with the smoke.

“What? Why would you ask something like that?” he uttered finally, looking everywhere but at the person he was talking to.

“Well, you’re hot. I think it’s pretty logical question to ask.” shrugged Baekhyun, rolling his head from one shoulder to the other. “Are you like my wet-dream’s protagonist bring-to-life or something?”

If there was one thing that Jongdae had trouble getting used to, it was the bluntlessness that Baekhyun displayed. Sure, maybe Jongdae was a 700 years old ghost but he knew that even for America-in-the-80s standards, Baekhyun had close to zero filter. And even less when he was off. It was hard to tell if it was endearing or annoying. 

“I’d prefer sticking to ‘or something’ in this scenario…” he mumbled finally.

“Does it imply that you exist only when I’m high?” Baekhyun scooted closer which made Jongdae almost instantly moved away. Distance _ was _ important.

“No, not really. No…” replied Jongdae thoughtfully. 

“Care to explain? Do you just follow me around? Or to you haunt whoever is currently on high in the neighbourhood?” grinned Baekhyun mischievously. “Because if that’s the case then I’d rather be stoned all day long than have you hanging out with other dudes.”

Jongdae blinked, slightly confused. If he didn’t know better he’d say that Baekhyun was flirting with him. But that couldn’t be that. People and punks didn’t just go around flirting with what they think was their hallucinations and in reality was a ghost that had been haunting them for centuries. 

“I don’t haunt other people… You’re the only one who can see me anyway…” Jongdae said softly. He wanted to add something more. Something like ‘it’s always been you only’ or something equally cheesy but he thought it was still too early for that. At least 100 years too early.

“So you’re basically a stalker, huh?” Baekhyun asked, shrugging his leather jacket off. 

“What?!?” screeched Jongdae, throwing his hands in the air “No, no, no, no, no! It’s nothing like that! It’s not how it looks like. And I swear to god, I-” he scrunched his nose when Baekhyun squeaked, clearly amused at his reaction.

“You’re a menace…” hissed Jongdae through clenched teeth but it was obvious that he wasn't angry.

He snorted only slightly annoyed and lied his back on the grass. It was getting dark and he knew that soon enough the effects of smoking would wear off and Baekhyun would be unable to see him again. But for now - Jongdae could still soak in the company.

_ “Look what you’re doing to me, making me fall into you even more.” _ he whispered to himself after few minutes filled with silence.

“Hey! Don’t mumble in Korean! You know that I’m not nearly as fluent as you are!” giggled Baekhyun, resting his head on the folded jacket. His eyes, though hazy, were glowing brightly and Jongdae found himself unable to look away.

“Maybe it’s not even Korean, you know.” smiled Jongdae lazily. He completely missed out the soft sparkles that appeared in Baekhyun’s eyes. “Do you think you just self-projected on me? Maybe some part of you would love to be really, really fluent.”

“Or I just find it really hot.” pointed Baekhyun.

“Or you just find it really hot.” admitted Jongdae.

Agreeing with Baekhyun was much easier than accepting their fate.

* * *

_ 5th February 1988 _

_ New York, USA _

Kris’ apartment was small, crowded and smelt of old pizza boxes and cigarettes. Apparently it was a definition of ‘punk’ therefore the group used to gather here on the windy and cold days. Just a couple of friends sipping beer and talking about girls, boys and AIDS crisis. Jongdae was happily dangling his legs off the window sleeve, listening to the conversation. It was stupid how quickly he grew used to contact with Baekhyun and how it only intensified Jongdae’s longing. He was drawn to him even if they couldn’t talk.

Jongdae thought that maybe it was what the shaman was talking about, years and years ago - he was able to communicate with Baekhyun, just like he always wanted. He couldn’t touch him but then - it was never part of the deal that Jongdae unwillingfully made with fate. He knew that he was in no position to make complaints about his life. He wanted to admire Byun Baekhyun and that’s exactly what he got in return.

“And that’s why Baekhyun fell for his own fantasy!” laughed Han suddenly, hitting his own knee. 

Jongdae’s eyebrows furrowed. Apparently he wasn’t following the conversation for the past couple of minutes because he had no recollection of talking about Baekhyun’s love interest. Hell. He had no idea that Baekhyun even had a love interest! And Jongdae was Baekhyun’s ghost, he should have known first!

“Don’t be ridiculous.” laughed Baekhyun but it sounded a little bit fake. Everyone could tell that. Baekhyun quickly looked around the room as if they were alone.

Jongdae shivered, realizing who Baekhyun was looking for. But he couldn’t see him. Baekhyun couldn’t see Jongdae if he wasn’t high.

“Oh, come on, Baek! It’s been months, you think we wouldn’t figure it out?” asked Junmyeon, scratching his eyebrow and smudging the black eyeshadow. “You rarely talk about how you feel when you smoke but when you do it’s always about Chen.”

_ “Well yeah, because he can only talk to me then…” _ mumbled Jongdae to himself. He never told Baekhyun his real name. He liked being “Chen”. Chen had no past, Chen was alive, Chen was cool with his strange accent and melodic voice. He prefered Chen over Jongdae.

“Shut up.” hissed Baekhyun, still looking around frantically, “You never know who’s listening.” he added and Jongdae couldn’t help but laugh. He knew who was listening - Jongdae himself. He was always listening. 

“Your ghostly boyfriend is here?” giggled Tao, spilling a little bit of the liquid from his can. 

“Not my boyfriend, gods in heaven!” groaned Baekhyun, hiding face in his hands. “We’re just talking a lot. When we can.”

“You and your smoking hot dream guy slash druggie’s hallucination named Chen?” enquired Han, wiggling his eyebrows. “How does it even work anyway? Like he is your fantasy so you know what he’s going to tell you anyway? What's the fun in that?”

That seemed to catch Baekhyun off guard. Jongdae leaned a little bit further, curious of the response. 

“He… He feels like a different person. Not a part of me at all.” started Baekhyun hesitantly. “I never know what he’s going to say or do. We are complete opposites in some ways but we are also very similar somehow. He is much softer than I could have ever been and really gentle. Very well-mannered too, I suppose. He still winces if I curse.” He laughed quietly and Jongdae’s heart clenched uncomfortably. “I doubt I could dream of somebody just as perfect as Chen. My mind is too much of a chaos.”

The last sentence made the whole company wheeze in laughter but not Jongdae. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling at the moment. He knew that he should be happy… The way Baekhyun spoke of him was beautiful but at the same time - terrifying. Everything in Jongdae screamed that it was wrong, that no matter what he wanted to believe he shouldn’t feel flattered. 

Nonetheless, the warmth had already began to spread throughout his body. He slipped from the window sleeve and sat next to Baekhyun. Hesitantly his hand made its way to the fashionable messy brown nest on Baekhyun’s head. A shiver rolled through Jongdae’s body, the softness was barely there but he could still feel it. 

But the sensation slipped away from his fingers just as quickly as it appeared. 

“Someone close the damned window! It’s windy!” Baekhyun groaned, scratching the same exact spot which Jongdae touched seconds ago. 

“The window’s closed, Baexie!” informed Kris, “Maybe it’s your invisible lover kissing your head goodnight!” he added, making an obnoxious smooching sound. 

Baekhyun threw his empty can at Kris. Jongdae showed him his middle finger.

Both of them ignored implications of Kris’ words.

* * *

_ 17th March 1990 _

_ New York, USA _

Baekhyun was alone when he lit up the blunt. It was the first sign that something was wrong. Jongdae wasn’t stupid, he knew that Baekhyun rarely smoked alone.

The next sign was that as soon as he closed his eyes and breathed in the smoke a single tear rolled down his cheek. It was soon followed by the second one and another and another. Jongdae has been following Baekhyun for ages. He knew that Baekhyun didn’t cry often. It was one of the never-changing parts of his personality. It was admirable truly, how strong Baekhyun was every when everything was crumbling down.

The third sign was the most subtle one and maybe if Jongdae’s whole life wasn’t focused on Byun Baekhyun he wouldn’t notice that. But it’s been two long months since the last time he talked to Baekhyun. He wasn’t given an opportunity. Time after time Baekhyun refused smoking pot and Jongdae had a sick feeling in his stomach that it had something to do with him.

So Jongdae couldn’t do much beside sitting down on the chair and waiting until the effects would kick in. He didn’t have to wait for too long.

“Hey, Chen…” whispered Baekhyun softly. He tilted his head to the right - he had that habit - and smiled slightly. “Long time no see, buddy… I mean. I don’t know, do you feel as time goes by?”

_ It was impossible not to smile around Byun Baekhyun. _

“I do actually.” replied Jongdae with a smile.

“Oh… Well maybe it would be better for me not to know that…” sighed Baekhyun. “I was trying to… you know… keep the distance between us.” he explained carefully, no trace of a smile on his face. 

“Why?” Jongdae asked but he knew the answer already.

“Because I don’t think I should hang out with you that often.”

_ It still hurt. _

“Why?”

The silence stretched between then and for a moment Jongdae thought that Baekhyun wasn’t going to reply. The result of this conversation was already hanging in the air, it was already crawling in the corners of Jongdae’s mind but he needed answers before he could let go.

“Because you’re not real.” mumbled Baekhyun quietly and quickly wiped the tears rolling down his cheek. “You are not real. I can’t touch you and I can’t talk to you whenever I want. You are not real while I’m so… When I need you in my life every day. I’m so sorry, Chen...”

On 17th March 1990 Kim Jongdae went through his first break-up.

In his opinion it fucking sucked.

* * *

_ 6th May 1992 _

_ Bucheon, South Korea _

Jongdae’s face was still wet with tears when he stood in the middle of the hospital. He knew that the echo of Baekhyun’s voice when he was dying would haunt him forever. It was too hard to push the images away. Everything was too fresh.

Just a few seconds ago Byun Baekhyun, that obnoxious punk who had courage to face Jongdae, was still alive. Until he was no more. 

Just a few seconds earlier the asphalt was still cold under Jongdae’s fingers and the blood coming out of Baekhyun’s wound was still sickly hot. Damaged lungs were still drawing the air and Jongdae watched the chest raise up and down, knowing that there’s nothing he could do. 

It was the first time Jongdae had been crying so hard. Maybe because he had to actually watch as Baehyun’s light was slowly going out. Or maybe because it was the first time they actually had a bond. Until 1992 Baekhyun’s deaths meant the beginning of something new. But this time it meant the end of something precious.

“Are you here?” breathed out Baekhyun. The air around him was reeking with blood and something sweet. Some flowers perhaps. 

Surrounded with the pieces of his motorcycle and drops of his own blood, Baekhyun was the last man alive on the road. The car that collided with him was a few meters away, face mask crushed against the big oak. Cries of pain coming from there stopped a few minutes ago but the front lights were still flickering. The other motorcycle was lying on the roadside. Along with what was left from Jthe driver himself.

Baekhyun blindly looked around.

“Chen…” he cried out. _ Jongdae hadn’t heard this name in two years. _“Chen, ’m scared…” 

The stench of blood was slowly getting too overwhelming, too heavy and too real. Baekhyun coughed violently. The corner of his lips was tinted with fresh blood. It was enough to force Jongdae to move.

In a split of a second, he was kneeling next to Baekhyun, tenderly touching his wounds, trying to stop the bleeding with sleeves of his sweater, trying to do anything to sooth the pain.

But Kim Jongdae was a ghost, he couldn’t do anything.

“Chen, Chen, Chen…” repeated Baekhyun like a mantra. “Are you here… We didn’t talk in a while. I’m so sorry... “

It was a blubber of a dying man and Jongdae knew that. It didn’t have to mean anything but to him it meant the world. Angry tears appeared in the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t even comfort Baekhyun. He couldn’t do anything. It was the first time he was being called and he couldn’t do anything.

“I’m here. I’m right here.” he replied anyway, even if it was pointless.

His fingers were still clean. The blood doesn’t stick to ghosts. Jongdae hated how clean his hands were at this moment.

“I’m right here, Baek. There’s nothing to be afraid of…” he continued keeping his voice as soft and sweet as he could.

Suddenly Baekhyun cried loudly, his hands clenching at the fabric of the t-shirt. It was black but the stains of blood were visible anyway, making the fabric stick to his body.

“I don’t want to die…”

Jongdae’s throat clenched uncomfortably. His fingers were pointlessly combing through Baekhyun’s hair that was wet with his blood. It looked like he had just get out of the shower but his face instead of being relaxed - was twisted in fear and pain. Jongdae took a deep breath. 

“There’s nothing to worry about, Baekhyunnie…” he started quietly, unable to stop himself, letting the old nickname roll down his tongue. He didn’t care if no one could hear him. “You will be fine… I promise. You won’t remember any of this. No pain, no memories. You will live a good life…” he hesitated before saying the next words. “Again. Once again you will live a good, happy life.”

Baekhyun wasn’t crying anymore. His body was slowly going limp and cold. The only indication that he was still alive were shallow, heavy breaths and his soundlessly moving lips. Usually in moments like this Jongdae used to prepare himself for a change of scenery, for the cry of a newborn baby. Today, he couldn’t bring himself to let go.

“I bet that you’re going to have a fantastic new incarnation, you know?” at this point Jongdae was rambling but he really couldn’t stop. Not when Baekhyun was suddenly much calmer. He lost too much blood to keep fighting. Jongdae swallowed the lump growing in his throat. “And you know what? I’m still going to be with you. So you don’t have to worry about leaving me behind. Both of us don’t have much of a choice.” he laughed drunk with sadness. He leaned down, his lips almost brushing Baekhyun’s pale ear. “Never fear, Baekhyunnie. You’ll never be alone. Chen will always be there if you call for him.”

Baekhyun’s eyes lightened up a little bit and he made a gesture as if he wanted to touch something.

“Chen…” he whispered and the corners of his lips curled up slightly.

“Mhm… Chen. Kim Jongdae.”

Baekhyun sighed tiredly and his eyes closed.

Jongdae broke down completely in the middle of the hall. Tears that were welling in his eyes when he talked to dying Baekhyun, started streaming down his cheeks. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the newborn baby. It used to be one of his favourite experiences but now he just didn’t care. When he heard the nurse rushing down the corridor with something small and warm in her hands, he ran to the bathroom too scared of confrontation.

As soon as Jongdae saw himself in the mirror, he started screaming. When he looked at his own hands his legs gave up under his weight. His fingers were dirty with drying blood, his face was covered with dark, red spots and smeared crimson smudges. 

A couple of hours had to pass for Jongdae to collect himself. 

When he deemed himself to be ready, he went straight to the room when baby Baekhyun was sleeping peacefully.

Jongdae leaned down and looked at him.

“Cheap imitation.” he hissed and moved away.

He had a bad feeling about this incarnation and he wanted nothing more than the old Baekhyun back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note for fellow history nerds:
> 
> Hwando - “military sword”, one of the most popular types of swords in Korea till 19th century; a single-edged, often referred to as “short sword”  
Mudang - a korean shaman; a shamanistic ritual can be performed by both male and female however nowadays female shamans are much more popular. Korean shaman ritual includes a lot of music and dancing that’s supposed to lure the ghost.
> 
> The “rebellion” during which ‘original’ Jongdae was born really affected in the change of dynasty from Goryeo to Joseon. Joseon was founded by Yi Songgye in 1392 but the political disagreements and occasional battles started much earlier. The conflict started raising during the dynasty fights in China. Yi Songgye was a Ming dynasty supporter while the other political camp supported the Yuan dynasty. In 1388 a coup d’etat was performed and as a result Yi Songgye overthrew King U in favour of his son. That was the beginning of the new dynasty in Korea - Joseon (but as I mentioned before the country was founded till 1392).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!(side note: dialogues written in italics, means that they speak in english; the rest is korean)!!
> 
> Quick update: some of you may remember that this story was supposed to be a two-parter... Well, stuff happaned and I decided to make the whole story a little bit longer and divide it into 3 parts/chapters. I'm not sure if you consider it a blessing or a curse but I really do hope that you will stay around to read the last part which is almost done. However please be patient because my beta still has to go through it and that takes time. But I promise that it will be worth the wait!

_ 14th May 2013, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Baekhyun sensually sucked on his red lollipop, glancing in Minseok’s direction. 

Jongdae was unimpressed. 

* * *

_ 13th April 2014, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Baekhyun passed the exam and he was smiling so widely that, it was surprising his teeth didn’t fall out.

Jongdae was maybe a little bit proud but still unimpressed.

* * *

_ 3rd September 2014, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae laughed when Baekhyun started coughing when the smoke from cigarettes hit his nose. It happened from time to time and it never failed to make him laugh. In moments like this Jongdae was thinking of the 80s and the air that was constantly filled with smoke. He had to admit - it made his heart clenched painfully. 

Jongdae was impressed at how different Baekhyun was now.

He didn’t like it.

* * *

_ 15th October 2015, _

_ Busan, South Korea _

Jongdae didn’t know when Baekhyun fell out of love with Minseok. He was always so affectionate and the older was always willing to meet Baekhyun’s expectations. In some ways- the were a perfect couple so it was quite a shock for Jongdae.

He was constantly shocked with how much _ this _ Baekhyun talked about love. As if it wasn’t something to treasure inside your heart forever, sharing it only with a few - like a secret. It wasn’t that over the past centuries Baekhyun didn’t feel love. _ He certainly did _ \- thought Jongdae bitterly - _ but it was different _. Hidden in plain sight. Betrayed only by sparkling eyes and curled-up lips. Sometimes in hot tears.

Jongdae bit the inside of his cheek. He missed the old Baekhyun and the unspoken agreement to never talk about love even if maybe that’s exactly what both of them felt. Back then… 30 years ago

Jongdae thought that he’d never love any of incarnations as much as he loved Baekhyun’s from the 80s.

But he promised to follow his soul and that’s exactly what he was planning to do.

* * *

_ 27th January 2016, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“Flawed imitation.” groaned Jongdae as he watched Baekhyun struggling to calculate how much he could spend on groceries and still be able to pay the rent. It happened every month. Few days after getting money for his work, Baekhyun lived high on life and a week later he was surprised that he was out of money. Jongdae truly couldn’t understand this phenomenon...

“You should have thought about that earlier.” he added, spreading his body across Baekhyun’s couch. Being invisible had its perks. 

Uninterested, he watched as Baekhyun struggled with numbers written down on his sheet of paper. As if anything could save his wallet by now. Jongdae raised his head every so slightly.

“You made a mistake in the third line, idiot.” he groaned. He almost felt bad for the poor guy. Baekhyun used to be pretty skilled at managing money. Sure, it was like 300 years ago but still...

“Time flies, people change…” Jongdae murmured to himself. He glanced at Baekhyun’s paper again. “For crying out loud. Just leave it and go back to studying. You have 2 more exams to pass!”

* * *

_ 15th October 2016 _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

How Baekhyun got this job was beyond Jongdae’s understanding but it made him proud. Baekhyun had always been a man of a success. Still, the fact that Jongdae was surprised just didn’t sit well with him. He had never been surprised with any of Baekhyun’s successes. He was always so sure of them, that the shock he went through could be hardly compared to anything.

_ “Maybe if you paid him more attention you would know how it happened…” _whispered a small voice in his head.

He had to admit that he felt a little bit guilty. It wasn’t that he didn’t pay attention to Baekhyun, he just wasn’t attached to his hip all the time. For example, recently Jongdae found out that the past 700 years kind of slipped through his fingers. Hence to that whenever he could, he spent time in the Department of History which was very close to Baekhyun’s flat.. 

If Jongdae wasn’t listening to historical lectures, he wandered to the Department of Forgein Languages. Funny how over less than a decade he developed such a warm feelings for english. He knew that maybe he should let go but he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

So really, Jongdae was really pleased to learn that Baekhyun took the position of the teacher’s assistant. Sociology was one of his passions and the building was close to the History Department so it actually worked perfectly for Jongdae.

* * *

_ 25th October 2016, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“Gods in heaven, please let me not make a fool out of myself on my first day.” muttered Baekhyun under his breath, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He still had an hour till his first official lecture and he had been restyling his hair for the third time in a row. As if it was hair that was responsible for his intelligence and rare talent of messing up.

Jongdae chuckled. Because sure, maybe Baekhyun was imperfect but he was still an incredible person. Jongdae had seen many of his ups and downs and he had no doubt that Baekhyun would do great today. 

“Okay, one suggestion though. You should change this hideous sweater. I know that it was expensive but it makes you look like a trinket.” Jongdae pointed with the certainty of a man who had seen far too many bad fashion choices.

At the end, Baekhyun didn’t change the sweater.

He still did a great job.

Jongdae was unimpressed. He knew that Baekhyun would succeed.

* * *

_ 27th April 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

The day that changed Jongdae life started with crisp morning. Baekhyun’s alarm started ringing somewhere in the distance and Jongdae rolled his body off the couch. Technically, he didn’t need sleep but it would be a crime not to take a nap from time to time.

It was Thursday, which happened to be one of the most boring days of the week. On Thursdays Baekhyun was usually on the move - working on his thesis and helping the students which meant that Jongdae had to stick close to him.

He didn’t mind - not necessary - but he really wanted to attend professor’s Choi lecture.

“Maybe next year…” pondered Jongdae, stretching out his limbs.

Baekhyun finally crawled out of his bedroom and, with eyes puffy after sleeping only 5 hours, turned on the coffee machine. He was slowly developing coffee addiction. For a few minutes both of them were staring out of the window. Here and there, above the ground, hovered small clouds of fog. It was early, and the 

“It’s way too early to be alive.” mumbled Baekhyun and yawned.

“It’s too early to be dead too.” Jongdae chuckled in response. 

The air smelt of coffee and lotus flowers.

After the lunch, Baekhyun went to the library and Jongdae happily followed. If he missed anything from the past centuries it was the peace and quiet. 21st century was great but at the same time filled with constant noise and for Jongdae who was raised on the countryside - it was a little bit overwhelming. 

Besides, Jongdae liked watching Baekhyun in places like this. It was refreshing to see him undistracted, it reminded Jongdae of past times. Usually Baekhyun had troubles with concentration - having an attention span of a small puppy - but the atmosphere in the library apparently motivated him enough to keep him focused. Sighing, Baekhyun pulled his laptop out of the bag and started searching for the books among the tall shelves.

The library was almost empty and after a quick foray, Jongdae concluded that Baekhyun was after all the most interesting person to watch. He rested his chin on his folded hands and leaned over the table. 

Everything about this Baekhyun was different but at the same time strangely familiar. The similarities were obvious but almost all of them were somehow twisted in a completely new, unique way. He was so much different from Baekhyun of the 80s - the one that Jongdae reminisced way too fondly - that it was almost impossible to tie them together.

It was hard at first. It was still hard. The wounds were still there. For Jongdae - a ghost who was almost 700 years old - 25 years were a blink of an eye. In his dreams he still could hear the voice crying for “Chen”, he could still feel the warmth of blood spilling from the stomach. It still made him sick to look at Baekhyun sometimes. To look at him and know that he didn’t feel anything for Jongdae - simply because he didn’t know of his existence.

Strangely enough - Jongdae didn’t regret anything. He had good memories after all. 

But it was hard to move on when you were dead and the man you loved for centuries didn’t remember you anymore.

Suddenly, someone slipped on the seat next to Baekhyun and Jongdae frowned. He knew this face. Park Chanyeol. Surprisingly enough, he was a History major so Jongdae tended to see him more often than he wished too. Funny enough, Chanyeol was also Baekhyun’s childhood friend and Jongdae could have sworn that he was more than okay with that. He wasn’t jealous over him anymore. 

He wasn’t jealous. He was simply very wary of Chanyeol’s every gesture and word. Nothing wrong with that.

“Yo, Byun Baek.” greeted Chanyeol quietly.

“Park Chanyeol? In a library? A shocker, truly.” smirked Baekhyun in response, his eyes never leaving the book.

“Please don’t even start…” groaned Chanyeol, lazily opening the book. He waited a few seconds more before speaking again. “Okay, since you asked so nicely, I will tell you what I’m doing here.”

“He didn’t ask you anything, Chanyeol.” pointed out the man sitting on the opposite side of the table. Jongdae didn’t pay attention to him earlier but he would recognise this voice anywhere. Do Kyungsoo. 

“What is this? A meeting of all of Baekhyun’s lovers from the past incarnations?” mumbled Jongdae to himself. “Because I doubt we would fit all of them into this room…”

Apparently Park Chanyeol decided to completely ignore Kyungsoo’s words. Just like in the old times.

“If you want to know so badly…” started Chanyeol again, “Choi forced me to write an essay about the fall of the Goryeo dynasty.. Because apparently I skipped too many classes.” he grinned a little bit bashfully.

Jongdae sighed. Out of all subjects, Chanyeol of course had to get this one… Jongdae loved History. He really did but he also truly didn’t care about the time when he was alive. Because the only date that mattered from that period of time was 30th August 1387. 

The memories were like an avalanche. The flutter of Baekhyun’s eyelashes. His charming smile. The curve of his nose. The softness of his hair that rested behind his ears. The maps that Jongdae didn’t care about. Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun. Jongdae smiled to the image in his head and then forced himself to look at the man in front of himself.

The mischievousness was still shining in his eyes. His hair, though shorter, still looked soft. His lips instead of being spread in a shy smile, were twisted in slightly nosy smirk. 

It was the same man. Only centuries later.

Jongdae smiled fondly. 

_ Byun Baekhyun. After all these years. _

Jongdae moved away, leaning back in his chair. Human soul was a fascinating thing. He shook his head and stood up from the table to check what was going on outside. He had no desire in listening to stories over old people he used to know.

“And what exactly do you want to focus on anyway? Yi Songgye?” Baekhyun asked Chanyeol, putting his book down.

“Nah, he’s too mainstream.” chuckled Chanyeol, “I may not be a pro at history but I can do better than that.”

Kyungsoo laughed quietly from the opposite side of the room and Baekhyun snorted. Chanyeol didn’t seem discouraged by the reactions.

“So who do you have on your mind?” asked Baekhyun absently twirling pen in his fingers.

Jongdae thought that the leaves on the tree outside had really pretty colour. He always loved that pure, fresh shade of spring-green. The leaves were darker when Baekhyun died the last time. His death’s anniversary was in a few days.

“I was thinking maybe the Kim’s clan’s role in the uprising? Apparently the whole clan was divided on those who supported the old dynasty and those who supported the revolutionists!” explained Chanyeol excitedly. “I found a whole book about that.”

Jongdae chuckled heavily. He couldn’t recall much but he remembered that one time his father told him that they were no longer related to the Kim’s from Wonju. It was quite a family drama. It didn’t matter to him now though.

The room was quiet for a while, silence filled with the sound of rustling paper and impatient tapping of a pen against the wooden table. Jongdae didn’t mind. He wondered if Baekhyun was going to organize a big birthday party this year… Personally he would prefer to mourn in peace and quiet. 

“Ha! Found it. Everything I need in a form of pretty, fat, long chapter!” Chanyeol exclaimed and Jongdae could practically hear a grin on his face.

“Nothing like listening to your family’s history…” mumbled Jongdae to himself, tracing shapes on the window sleeve.

“Kims of Wonju, Kims of Pyongyang, Kims of Gaegyeong…” listed Chanyeol patiently. “There were so many of them.” he whined.

“Choose Gaegyeong.” suggested Baekhyun and Jongdae had to bite his lips. Out of all families Baekhyun had to choose Jongdae’s own. He couldn’t tell if it made him happy or slightly terrified. 

“Oh my god, give it to me, Yeol. Let me read that instead.” groaned Baekhyun and cleared his throat. “Kims of Gaegyeong were one of the most wealthy of all families in this region. The head of the family Kim Jonghoe was an active supporter of Yi Songgye…”

_ “Was he now?” _ snorted Jongdae. 

“Blah, blah, blah. He sponsored the Songgye’s army in 1372” Baekhyun continued, “And fought in the battle himself, along with his two sons, of which the younger one - Kim Jongdae - was heavily injured during the uprising. Kim Jongdae died a year after the event in 1373.”

It was as if a thunder had went through Jongdae’s body. Hearing his own name - his real name - falling from Baekhyun’s lips for the first time in 700 years. He said it just like Jongdae remembered it - softly and with respect even though he didn’t know who Jongdae was. The ghost shivered. He could feel goosebumps breaking on his skin. Air was filled with electric sparks that smelt like fever, sweat and some flowers. It made him feel sick. 

“Poor Kim Jongdae guy…” hummed Chanyeol, “He didn’t even see the outcome of the uprising.”

Once again, Jongdae found himself unable to hold down a dark chuckle. 

“I bet my ass that Kim Jongdae guy couldn’t care less about uprising.” he said to himself bitterly. 

Everything went silent all of sudden. Only shallow breaths and unspoken questions resonating through the air. 

“Excuse me?” 

Jongdae turned abruptly with a frown.

“I said that I bet my-” words died in his throat when his eyes travelled across the room. 

Everyone was staring at him.

Not only that.

They apparently heard everything he said.

_ They heard him. _

Chanyeol was looking at him slightly confused. Kyungsoo looked like Jongdae was some kind of intruder who broke their holy gathering. The librarian on the other side of the room paid him no attention. Jongdae brought himself to look at the last person in the room. The only remaining soul. Baekhyun looked clearly amused. Their eyes locked. It felt like the ground had opened under Jongdae’s feet.

He slowly touched the wooden bookshelf next to him. He could feel every bump and every splinter under his fingers. He tried pushing through the wood - his hand should be able to go through it but it didn’t. Astounded, Jongdae once again looked at people gathered in the room. _ It wasn’t happening... _

“Are you okay, man? You look pale…” asked Chanyeol. 

_ ...But it was _

Swallowing loudly Jongdae forced himself to nod.

“I’m fine. Don’t mind me…” he whispered and before anyone could do something to stop him - he darted out of the library.

Once he was outside of the building, he ran. He ran fast, like his life depended on that and the more he ran the more realized that he shouldn’t be able to run this far. He was too far from Baekhyun but nothing was stopping him. _ Not anymore. _He bumped into several people - every touch far to real, every yelp far too loud - until he finally stopped by the bangs of the Han river.

The wind was ruffling Jongdae’s hair and feel its chilliness on his cheeks. The sweater wasn’t only covering his body - it was tugging to it and Jongdae was suddenly very aware of every inch of the fabric rubbing against his skin. The jeans that he paid no attention to when he was a ghost, turned out to be uncomfortable and heavy. The shoes were weird too - he could almost feel the cold cement under his feet. 

The worst feeling out of all, however, was the almost painful over-sensitivity of his skin. His skin was itching him, like it was too tight for him after all these years. His hair felt too real, too much of a mess to have them on his head. His hearing, smell and sight - everything was heightened, every sound being too loud, every light being too bright and every smell being to intense.

Knees broke under the weight of Jongdae’s very physical body.

He didn’t care where he was or who was looking, for no one had seen him for almost 700 years.

He wasn’t crying. It would feel too real for him to handle.

The wind had stopped blowing by the time Jongdae finally raised his head. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. It could be minutes, hours or days for what he cared. The sun was much lower in the sky, so it was most likely early afternoon. 

Jongdae sighed loudly and scratched the back of his head. It was weird to feel his skin. He wasn’t sure if it had always been that cold or it was something temporary. He was however pretty sure that back when he was alive, his skin was usually warm, unless it was burning with fever. 

Shakily, he stood up and brushed off his jeans. 

“What to do next?” Jongdae asked himself, looking around. He knew this vicinity. Baekhyun used to hang out here from time to time. 

Jongdae bit his lips. Right. Baekhyun. For the last few centuries Jongdae spent on being a ghost that's haunting incarnations of Byun Baekhyun. Which meant that right now - in this world, in the 21st century Seoul - Jongdae had nothing. No home, no past, no friends, _ no purpose _. He quickly shook his head. Thoughts like this one wouldn’t take him anywhere. In would only cause another panic attack and Jongdae didn’t feel like going through this again.

Hesitantly, as if he was still testing his body and will, Jongdae took a step forward. Then another and another. If he could move it meant that he could actually do something. And he needed to act, he needed his mind to be occupied, if he didn’t want to go crazy.

So he was walking, taking turns he thought he knew, stopping when he felt he was out of breath. His lungs were burning but the feeling was almost welcomed at this point. He didn’t mind feeling hot. It was something he remembered from the past, it was a sign of being alive after all.

He wasn’t surprised when he realized that he was standing in front of the library. He had no idea what happened there a few hours ago and what pulled him back into the world of living but inspecting the place where it happened wouldn’t hurt. 

Shyly, keeping his body close to walls as if they were able to protect him, he crossed the hall. He completely ignored the polite nod of the librarian and sneaked in between the long shelves. There were more people here that he remembered but no one paid attention to him. It was a familiar feeling that made him feel a little bit grounded. He was afraid of prying looks and hushed whispers. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stand them. 

Finally Jongdae reached the corner that he occupied with Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo when he was still a ghost. He neared to the window carefully as if a rapid movement could destroy the calmness he built over the past few hours. Tentatively, Jongdae caressed the wooden wall that was the very first thing he touched this century. 

“Oh, you’re back.” said someone behind Jongdae, startling him completely. In a thousand years, he would be able to recognize that voice. Jongdae was foolish to think that he was gone by now. 

He took a breath, long and deep and crossed arms on his chest. Until now he managed to push this scenario away, at the back of his head. But it was happening now. And Jongdae had only a couple of seconds to prepare himself.

First thing he felt was a touch. Touch of a warm hand on his shoulder. His skin was already on fire. It was like being in a fever all over again.

Then someone tugged him a little bit. It was almost terrifying. Gentle but demanding attention. 

And before Jongdae even realized what he was doing, he was being turned around. And the very first thing he saw were brown, warm eyes with a pinch of mischievousness and the adorable mole above Baekhyun’s lips.

“Hi.” said Baekhyun.

“Hi.” echoed Jongdae without much thought.

“You left your bag here so we took turns to watch over it.” Baekhyun grinned widely unbothered with Jongdae’s awkwardness. He leaned closer confidently, “You shouldn’t leave your stuff here. I once left my cardigan and never got it back.”

Jongdae remembered that. It was two or three years ago. Baekhyun fell asleep in the library and his cardigan slipped down on the ground without him noticing. He was lamenting over that piece of clothing for days.

Jongdae chuckled at the memory and Baekhyun’s grin grew wider. 

“I’m Byun Baekhyun.” he said cheerfully.

“Kim Jongdae.” it felt good to say his own name again.

“I know.” replied Baekhyun instantly. “We found your bag remember? And it does have a nametag on it. You are named just like that person from history book Chanyeol was reading, right?”

Jongdae frowned. “My bag?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. He was pretty sure that ghosts don’t have bags. At least he didn’t have one. 

“Right.” agreed Baekhyun and pushed something right in Jongdae’s arms. 

He looked down confused. Indeed it was a bag. _ Couldn’t be his though, right? _

“You can check but we didn’t take anything.” waved Baekhyun carelessly and for a moment Jongdae was sure that he would walk away but it didn’t happen. Instead Baekhyun sat on the top of the table, his eyes never leaving Jongdae. “Go ahead and check, I don’t mind.”

Sighing, Jongdae opened the bag. He felt stupid. It clearly wasn’t his bag. He didn’t have one. He_ never _ had one. But his brows furrowed when the first thing he saw was his name on the tag inside the bag. _ “Kim Jongdae” _. Trying to conceal his own confusion, Jongdae took the wallet out of the bag and flipped it open. Breath hitched in his throat when he pulled out the ID. It was his face on the photo. His face, his name. But there were also things that didn’t stick like the fact that there was an address he didn’t recognise, there was a date of birth which he didn’t have. Nothing made sense. Hesitantly he took out a medical card and quickly checked his parents’ names - they were right too. And so was his birthplace.

Gulping loudly Jongdae looked at up Baekhyun sitting before him as if he was the one that was holding all the answers. 

“I’m Kim Jongdae.” said Jongdae suddenly and Baekhyun frowned.

“Yes, I know. Kim Jongdae.” a shiver went down Jongdae’s back. “Are you new here? I’ve never seen you?”

“You could say so…”

* * *

_ 15th May 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Kim-Jongdae-A-Person had a life. That’s what Jongdae learnt over the past few weeks. Kim Jongdae had a life but it was full of loopholes as if someone tried creating a mirage of his past but didn’t have enough time. For example. Kim Jongdae had parents but they didn’t exist. Jongdae knew that because he specifically went to Siheung to check that. Kim Jongdae also had a part-time job but he was new there and no one remembered him. Kim Jongdae was also a transfer student and apparently he was studying Literature. The university that he transferred from didn’t answer his calls and he suspected that it didn’t exist either.

And yet. No one seemed to pay attention to that.

Jongdae had a past but it was just a figure made of paper. Nothing from his past existed. No one paid attention to him. People talked to him, they read his name out loud, he had his bank account and he was renting a small apartment but it was as if he didn’t exist.

Jongdae was alive but he felt more lonely than he had ever felt before.

* * *

_ 16th May 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

No matter what Jongdae did he couldn’t bring himself to get close to Baekhyun. 

His laugh and voice were a cue for Jongdae to leave.

A glimpse of his face on the street was enough for Jongdae to turn away.

He couldn’t bring himself to face Baekhyun again and he thought that his life was much easier when he was a ghost.

* * *

_ 1st June 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Turned out that not thinking and just existing was the only way for Kim Jongdae to live his life, without losing sanity. So naturally - that’s exactly what he did. Everything he did was empty and blank. He did his chores, he studied hard, he worked in the local store. He didn’t know how to fill a hole that was where his heart used to be once.

Jongdae was living the paper life that was created for him, wondering if one day it would all disappear and he would be ghost again. 

And he didn’t say it out loud but he did cry himself to sleep, hoping that he would dream of something real.

* * *

_ 15th June 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

As everything in Jongdae’s life - the meeting happened by accident. 

That day a thunder tore the sky apart and the first drops of rain started tapping against the pavement. Jongdae growled. He didn’t take his umbrella. In a little bit faulty mood, he slipped inside the first restaurant he spotted. He ordered _ kimchi jjigae _ and focused on the game on his phone.

It was soon after his dinner arrived, that he heard a resonant voice and laugh that was somehow familiar. It was like an echo from the past and for the first time in weeks - Jongdae actually felt a spark of curiosity. Unable to stop himself he quickly finished the jjigae and slipped off the chair. The laugh pierced the air again and Jongdae felt a shiver of excitement running down his spine.

_ Breath in. Breath out. Step forward. Just breathe. _

Something starts to swell in Jongdae’s chest and it’s almost too much but he’s smiling. He’s smiling so hard that his cheeks start to hurt because he didn’t smile like this in a long time. He didn’t smile that widely in centuries maybe. Jongdae couldn’t see all the people gathered around the table but that was okay because he could see three faces and that was enough to spark a flood of memories in his head. 

“So Yifan here moved out to Canada a long time ago so he’s not very good at Korean.” explained Han, gesturing vividly.

Jongdae bit down his smile and forced himself to turn away from the scene. He didn’t want to be a creep and stare at people who didn’t know him. He sat back in his chair and hunched his shoulders. He didn’t know when Han died but apparently it had to be soon after Baekhyun if he had new incarnation. Kris died at the same date as Baekhyun. Jongdae grimaced. All of them died too soon. He shouldn’t be happy to see them. He really shouldn’t. But he was.

It was good to see something that reminded him of the past.

He wanted to come closer. He wanted to go there and talk to them. Finally, now that he actually could. But he wasn’t sure if he had enough of courage.

“It’s time for me to go…” he whispered to himself after a couple minutes. If he stayed any longer, he could have done something stupid. He couldn’t listen to Kris’ laugh anymore.

Jongdae opened the door and walked outside. It didn’t stop raining at all but he didn’t have much of a choice. His hands clenched around the strap of his bag and he took a deep breath in.

_ “You’re going to get sick.” _mumbled someone next to him. The stench of cigarettes mixed with the fresh scent of rain. 

_ “Been through worse. Care enough to move away with that cig?” _replied Jongdae automatically and it wasn’t until he heard a whistle and low chuckle, that he realized that the comment wasn’t said in Korean. He abruptly turned his head around.

Kris was eyeing him with a glimmer in his eyes and Jongdae felt his face burning.

_ “You’re not going anywhere with this attitude, sweet-face. I’m Wu Yifan and in desperate need of someone like you right now.” _ Kris-now-Yifan smiled his gummy smile.

“Kim Jongdae.” his name was out before Jongdae could think of what to do.

Turned out that talking to Yifan was as easy as Jongdae had always imagined. He was witty, just like he used to be and his laugh was as contagious as Jongdae remembered. It was easy to imagine that any second soon Baekhyun with his pierced ears and dark leathers would join them.

But of course. It was impossible. That Baekhyun was dead and it wasn’t_ that _ Kris either.

Still it was easy to pretend and it was easy to be dragged back into the restaurant.

“Everyone this is…” started Yifan as they walked to the table and honestly Jongdae hadn’t been paying much attention because Yifan smelt a little bit like Baekhyun did years and years ago. Like drugs and cigarettes. 

“We know him!” Laughed Chanyeol.

“Kim Jongdae.” purred Baekhyun, satisfaction spilling through his teeth.

It was different Baekhyun and maybe it was different Jongdae too. This world was much more ordinary. There were no ghosts, no strange hallucinations, almost no strings attached.

But when Jongdae looked at him, Baekhyun’s eyes were much warmer than he had ever seen and there was a blush painted across his cheeks and he looked heavenly and Jongdae thought _ “oh god, this is happening again” _.

And it was.

* * *

_ 3rd September 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“Chanyeol says that he will pass. He mentioned finishing some essay.” Baekhyun said as soon as he opened the door.

Jongdae grimaced. It was easy for Baekhyun to say something like that but if he knew earlier Jongdae would excuse himself. Like he usually did when it meant that Jongdae would be alone with Baekhyun.

“I hope that you don’t mind, Dae. We never get a chance to hang out alone anyway…” he whined softly, pulling Jongdae inside his tiny apartment. “Make yourself at home, the bathroom is over there.” 

Jongdae swiftly pulled his hand out of Baekhyun’s grip. The skin around his wrist was burning with pure fire. Warmth always meant Baekhyun.

“Sit, sit!” Baekhyun urged pushing Jongdae on the couch, “I will be right back. Wait here. Just give me a second.” he rambled happily before disappearing in the bedroom.

Being left alone, Jongdae finally exhaled the breath he had been holding. The tension that gathered in his shoulders was already fading under the pressure of warmth that was surrounding him. Jongdae looked around absently. When he was still given the privilege of haunting Baekhyun, he used to spend most of the time in this room. Nothing had changed since that except for the fact that now Jongdae could feel everything under his fingers. The blanket was soft, the pillow was silky, the surface of the coffee table was uneven. 

It was stressful to sit there like that, thought Jongdae finally. The room had expectations for him and he wasn’t sure if he could meet them. He didn’t even know what the demands were. His dreamy promises were hanging in the air, dripping from the lamp above his head and clinging to the floor. 

He always dreamt of the same things.

“So tell me, Jongdae…” started Baekhyun, setting the mug on the table. “How’s your studies going? It’s your last year, isn’t it? I never remember that... it always feels like we’re the same age…”

Jongdae hid his smile behind the sleeve of his hoodie. They used to be the same age once. Now Jongdae was in fact much older. Not that Baekhyun had to know that.

“We are the same age. I took a break after high school.” he said instead.

Baekhyun’s eyes lightened up visibly.

“That’s so cool! My parents made me do the university almost immediately… I can’t say it was a bad decision but it’s always thrilling to wonder what I could have done if I took a gap year, you know?” he pondered. “And what did you do? Travelling? You went to America, right? That’s why you speak english so well… Damn, Yifan is all over your skills, believe me!” he playfully shoved Jongdae’s shoulder.

“Is he now?” laughed Jongdae because it was easy with Baekhyun. It was always easy with Baekhyun. “I’ve been told that I have a terrible accent to be honest.”

“Hmmm…” hummed Baekhyun thoughtfully, “I think it’s kinda hot.”

Jongdae gulped loudly, trying to push away the memory which popped in his head. He crossed legs on the couch and wiggled his toes.

“You don’t seem surprised.” Baekhyun pouted, “I was hoping for at least a loud gasp and high-pitched ‘_ Baekhyun _’!”

“Let’s just say that I’ve been told that too. They said that every time I stuttered…” mumbled Jongdae with faint blush and sipped his tea. It was way too warm but he couldn’t bring himself to look at Baekhyun. 

He missed the pensive expression at his face and he missed the flicker of jealousy in chocolate eyes. But maybe it was a good thing.

“Well then…” Baekhyun’s voice was playful and daring, with a hint of something spicy and it was enough to make Jongdae look at him. “I guess, I will have to think of a better way to stay remarkable.”

Two waves of emotions crushed together in Jongdae’s chest and for a split of a second he found it hard to breathe. It was this moment that he realized how hard it would be to be actual friends with Byun Baekhyun and it was that moment that he realized that he wanted nothing more from life than that. 

But truly, Kim Jongdae had no idea how to draw a line between Baekhyun that was sitting right in front of him and all the Baekhyuns from the past.

At the end he sighed.

“You’ll have to try really hard to do that.” Jongdae replied, pretending that his throat didn’t feel too tight. 

Baekhyun only laughed, letting his eyes curve into small crescents. Jongdae let himself watch. He always had trouble with looking away from Baekhyun. 

* * *

_ 14th October 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae decided that he liked Baekhyun with brown hair. It was a completely different shade than the chocolate melting in his eyes but that made them stand out even more, made them look deeper and darker. It definitely suited Baekhyun’s honey skin tone and his cozy personality.

“Jongdae! I need a support here! Tell them that he should have gone blonde!” cried Chanyeol who went a little bit more crazy and whose hair was currently fiery red.

“Brown’s okay, I suppose…” Jongdae provided, ducking his head down, just in case the blush on his cheeks was a little bit more visible than necessary.

“It’s hazelnut!” argued Han who was the self-proclaimed creator of masterpieces on Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s heads. “I didn’t go as far as ordering the hair-dye from across the world, for it to be labeled as ‘brown’!” 

“Yifan was the one who bought it because he was visiting his family in Canada.” pointed Kyungsoo, adjusting the glasses that were sliding off his nose. 

The discussion was getting more and more absurd and soon Jongdae had lost its track. It happened to him quite often still. He supposed it was normal considering the fact that it’s only been a few months since he started being _ actively _ alive again. Not to mention that he was always more of a listener than the talking type. He stirred the cold drink in his glass. The metal straw was almost frigid under his fingertips. He didn’t mind it. Touch was his anchor with this world. More often than at least a few times a week, Jongdae woke up in the middle of the night, not sure if he was a man or a ghost. When it happened his fingers skimmed over various surfaces to make sure that he could feel them. Only recently though, he realized that every time he did so, he hoped to feel something under his skin. 

Someone lightly nudged Jongdae’s shoulder. He didn’t have to turn to see who was that but he did anyway.

“You spaced out again, Jongdae.” Baekhyun smiled, unconsciously spreading the warmth across Jongdae’s body. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, yes. Sure.” Jongdae nodded quickly, mirroring the smile. It was something he did effortlessly around Baekhyun. “Just tired.”

Baekhyun hummed in response and slurped his drink, sustaining the eye-contact. Jongdae didn’t mind Baekhyun looking at him like that. As if he was testing Jongdae. As if he tried to look inside his soul. Jongdae was pretty confident of the shell he had built around himself. Everything that was meant to be locked, was hidden deep in the corners of his heart and he was the only one who could look there.

Finally Baekhyun shook his head and exhaled deeply. Between his eyebrows appeared small wrinkle and he tilted his head a little bit, intensely staring at his drink. Jongdae was vaguely aware that the conversation around them was still flowing but it was still almost painful to tear his gaze away from Baekhyun. He clearly had something on his mind and Jongdae was ready to die to find out what was that but he didn’t want to step boundaries. To Jongdae it felt as if they met just the other day. Just because he was a part of a group didn’t mean that they were very close - he argued with himself. 

Jongdae fingers drumed against the thin straw. It wasn’t cold anymore. He tried to focus completely on the texture underneath his fingertips but his eyes kept drifting to the man beside him. Baekhyun rolled his head from one side to the other and one of his curly strands of hair rested on his forehead. It looked soft and almost innocent and before Jongdae could stop himself, he was reaching out. He slipped the strand between his fingers, letting it linger there for a second, before he delicately brushed it behind Baekyun’s ear. 

Their eyes met once again and Jongdae smiled subtly before leaning a little bit closer. His hand slipped on Baekhyun’s shoulder and he could have sworn that he felt his pulse through the thin of the black shirt.

“You look great with this hair-color.” he said quietly, hoping that it would make Baekhyun feel better even if it was just for a little bit.

How delighted Jongdae was when, Baekhyun’s eyes brightened upon hearing the compliment and when his cheeks tinted with faint blush. It lasted only for a moment and if someone wouldn’t pay attention, they wouldn’t notice. Baekhyun cleared his throat and brushed a nonexistent strand of hair behind his ear, subconsciously tracing pattern that left Jongdae’s fingertips.

“Aww, thank you! I think I look quite good myself.” Baekhyun grinned widely.

They looked at each other for a few more seconds when suddenly Baekhyun leaned over the table and tugged at Chanyeol’s sleeve and whispered something into his ear. Chanyeol briefly glanced at Jongdae which was his cue to turn away and give them some privacy.

He wasn’t sure if liked that.

* * *

_ 5th December 2017, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae was sitting cross-legged on his bed, anxiously biting his nails. The phone was lying in front of them, number ready to be dialed but he still didn’t know if he was strong enough to do that. His whole plan consisted mostly of making a call and hoping that it would change anything. It was growing in him for months, ever since he realized that he was human again. That he was alive again. The idea sprouted on the 6th of May and there wasn’t a day when Jongdae didn’t think about it.

His eyes were puffy and nose was already running. Everything felt cold against his skin - his sweater, the air, his own breath, and it made him feel a little less alive. But maybe it was suitable for this kind of situation.

Shaking way more than it was appropriate, Jongdae took a mug into his hands. The lees created one big, dark stain at the bottom. It reminded Jongdae of cold asphalt under his fingers and warm blood that covered body that wasn’t his. He rushed to the kitchen and poured hot water into his mug. The room filled with the scent of black tea and mourning. 

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door and the mug slipped from Jongdae’s hands. Biting his lip, Jongdae pivoted out of the room, trying not to step on the wet stain that was growing on the floor. 

He quickly opened the door and something in his chest crushed when he was Baekhyun’s face. The smirk that was decorating the latter’s face disappeared in a split second, as Baekhyun noticed the redness of Jongdae eyes and the shiver of his body.

“I will help you.” he offered immediately before Jongdae even as much as greeted him. “I don’t know what’s going on but I will do whatever I can.”

It was easy to let Baekhyun inside the apartment. Jongdae didn’t even react when he started wiping the pool of tea in the kitchen. Both of them didn’t dare to make a sound, trying hard to figure out what to do next. Jongdae knew that he couldn’t tell Baekhyun everything even if his heart ached to do so. His eyes traced after the other man. He watched as his shoulder blades moved under the shirt when Baekhyun was cleaning the floor. He let his eyes linger at the lean body when Baekhyun wasn’t facing him. Jongdae was looking and searching for everything that this Baekhyun wasn’t and for everything that he was.

He was too scared to move, even if it was his house. He was afraid that Baekhyun would notice him and start asking questions. He was anxious that the truth would spill out of his mouth before he notice and that it would ruin everything. 

Finally Baekhyun turned around and took a step closer. Jongdae could hear his heart hammering across his own chest. When their gazes met he had to bite down the question that was raising on his tongue._ “Can you see me?” _echoed in his head. The heat was pooling in his chest while the rest of his body was icy cold.

“Jongdae…” Baekhyun said carefully.

_ “Right. He already knows my name.” _ reminded himself Jongdae but remained silent.

“... You don’t have to tell me anything but please at least sit down. You look like you’re about to collapse…” 

The touch on his elbow was gentle, almost nonexistent but Jongdae felt it with every inch of his body. His eyes snapped open when he didn’t even realize when he closed them and he blindly looked around. His hand grabbed the first thing that they make contact with which happened to be Baekhyun’s shirt.

“That’s right, Jongdae…” murmured Baekhyun, unfolding Jongdae’s fingers and putting his hand on the chest. “Breathe with me…”

It was intimate to stand like that, trying to match each others’ breathing patterns but Jongdae didn’t realize that back then. The warmth under his skin was so undeniably Baekhyun’s that it was impossible to move away. The breath fanning his cheeks made Jongdae feel more human than anything before. It was fragile. To be human. The line between life and death was thinner than most people realized. 

Jongdae gulped and forcefully took a step back.

“I have to make a call.” he said, surprised with the stability of his own voice.

“Oh…” breathed out Baekhyun, “Do you want me to leave?”

“No.” Jongdae replied, way too quickly. “You can… I mean, I want you to stay… But you have to sit away from me.” he explained incoherently. 

He expected Baekhyun to be weirded out, maybe to chuckle even but it didn’t happen. Instead Baekhyun pushed the neglected phone back into Jongdae’s hands and patted at the other end of the room.

The distance between them was unbearable.

Jongdae wiped the tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as his fingers tapped the number he learnt by heart a long time ago. He only hoped that nothing had changed over the past 25 years.

The sound of the ball was sharp and cold, cutting through all the layers of Jongdae’s psyche. Painful, familiar, a proof of something that existed a long time ago.

“_ Hello? _” asked a delicate voice. It was subtly coated with age but Jongdae had no troubles with recognizing it. His heart heaped, suddenly it was a bad idea. Suddenly everything was too fresh.

“_ Good morning. I hope I didn’t wake you up. _” replied Jongdae. At this moment his own voice was much weaker than the one he had just heard. But it was too late to back out.

“_ Who’s speaking? _” asked the woman again, audibly growing impatient.

Jongdae closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“_ The name’s Chen. _” he said finally. His voice barely a whisper.

He waited. A second. Two seconds. Three.

_ Maybe she forgot about her son’s... friend. It’s been years and they never met… How could they... _

“You weren’t at the funeral.” she sounded accusingly but Jongdae didn’t blame her. “I thought you’d be at the funeral.” The way she spoke reminded Jongdae of old eras, bitter disappointment and hopeless love.

“How do you know I wasn’t there?” the question rolled down his tongue quickly.

She laughed bitterly. The hurt was resonating in her voice. “My son talked too much about you for me not to recognize you... Chen.” 

“He did?” Jongdae asked already knowing the answer. He knew it even before calling.

“He was in love. What did you expect?” he could almost hear her shrug. The word stung deeply.

“Your son wasn’t in love with me.” it was a lie and both of them knew that. 

She laughed again. “Why weren’t you at the funeral?” she repeated.

“We didn’t talk for over two years before that… accident…”

“It’s not an excuse.” she cut coldly. “He loved you still.”

Heart was hammering inside his chest and hot blood was rushing through his veins. None of it felt real at the moment. The only real thing was the memory from 6th May 1992. The cold asphalt and the name shaped on Baekhyun’s lips.

“I left the states before his funeral.” it wasn’t a lie. In fact it was the truth but it still sounded pathetic. “I really couldn’t be there.”

“I wanted to meet you” came as reply.

Jongdae bit his trembling lips, “I wanted to meet you too…” he admitted. _ But it was never possible _\- he wanted to add but didn’t.

Both of them sighed but the sound was verging on a sob.

“Why did you call me, Chen? Why now? After so many years?” she asked sharply but there was no force behind her words. She sounded tired. Jongdae remembered her as a small woman in her forties. She was over seventy by now. Outlived both her husband and son. She probably knew more about hurt than Jongdae himself.

“I couldn’t call you earlier.” he said softly. “I wanted to apologize.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, _ sweetheart _.” she responded almost immediately. “You made him happy when I didn’t know how. You and Kris. Han, Tao and Junmyeon. All of you.”

Jongdae remained silent. He could feel her hesitance through the phone.

“Do you know, Chen...” she picked up after a moment, “That only you, Junmyeon and Tao are left? Tao visits me every Saturday. He grew up well… I hope you did too.”

“I’m not sure about that…” laughed Jongdae awkwardly. The way his tongue twisted reminded him of Chen who was great when the time called but most of all - awkward and shy.

“But I am.” she replied and she sounded so sure that Jongdae almost believed her. He could hear her strained breath through the phone. He wished he could hug her. But he was on the other side of the globe. “I hope that…” she stopped abruptly, “Chen. I have a question.”

Jongdae knew that he should have finished the call right then and there. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that. Even if he suspected what the question was.

“He lived a good life. My son. But you… you were special to him. More special than any other person. I don’t know why your paths split so suddenly. I don’t want to know. It’s meant to stay between you…” she took a shallow breathe in. “But I could never stop asking myself, Chen… Did you love him at least a little bit? As much as he did love you?”

A bitter, sad bark of laughter slipped from Jongdae’s mouth, scratching the tender throat, bloodying the pink tongue. 

“Would I call if I didn’t?” he swallowed hard and heard the breath hitch on the other side of the phone. There was a beat of silence and for a moment Jongdae was afraid that the call ended before he could even bid his goodbye.

“Thank you for calling me, Chen.” she finally whispered, “It was nice hearing you…” she laughed faintly, “for the first time in my life… Goodbye”

“Goodbye.” he mouthed to the phone. Somehow he knew that it was the final goodbye. That he would never talk to her again.

The phone slipped from his fingers and Jongdae opened his eyes, bringing himself back to the room he never left. The lights in the room were dimmed but he wasn’t sure who was the one who darkened them.

Baekhyun was staring at him intensively and a shiver of fear and anxiety ran down Jongdae’s spine. But Baekhyun couldn’t possibly know, could he? He couldn’t know how much of a fear Jongdae was? Because if he knew, surely, he would have left. And Jongdae wasn’t sure if he didn’t shatter if that happened.

Jongdae sniffed silently, trying to fight the panic crawling across his body.

“Did you…?” he gestured between himself and the phone vaguely. 

Baekhyun shook his head and jumped off the window sleeve he was sitting at. His eyes were dark and his lips pulled tight together. Jongdae blinked and for a split of a second, he thought that he saw the leather draped over Baekhyun’s shoulders and the shimmer of his silver earrings. Jongdae blinked again and the mirage disappeared. 

The bed dipped under Baekhyun’s weight and a hand slipped around Jongdae’s waist. Unconsciously he leaned into the warmth Baekhyun offered and closed his eyes again.

Hundreds of smiles blossomed in front of Jongdae’s eyes. It was overwhelming. It was too much. For the first time in his life Jongdae felt that no one should see as much as he saw over all these centuries. Some pieces of memories were sticking together while the other floated disconnected with everything. There was only as much as a man could store in his head.

Jongdae shifted and hid his face in the fabric of Baekhyun’s shirt. It smelt of cinnamon rolls and rain, making him relax.

“Do you think you could stay with me tonight?” Jongdae asked with the tiniest of voices and he could have sworn that Baekhyun’s heart skipped a beat.

“Of course.”

“I don’t want to talk about this call…”

“That’s okay.” sighed Baekhyun, hesitantly trading his fingers through Jongdae’s black locks, “I don’t mind. You will tell me when you’re ready.”

But Jongdae wasn’t sure if he ever would be ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every kudos, comment and such motivates me a lot so thank you so much for leaving them!
> 
> See you in the 3rd chapter (hopefully somewhat soon!)
> 
> PS Big shout-out to my incredible beta @kpoppie-memexo  
PS2 Friendly reminder that you can followe me on my tumblr at @healthyamountofcrazy


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen, don’t argue ex-ghost’s logic.

_ 17th January 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

It was hard to stay focused when you were positively hammered and also when Byun Baekhyun decided that he would wear this sinful, semi-transparent, black shirt. Granted - it was his flat and he could wear whatever he wanted but Jongdae thought that he should put at least a small warning before showing his belly button.

The fact that the whole space was packed with people, so Jongdae didn’t have much choice of where to sit, didn’t help either. At the end, he ended up squished between giggling Chanyeol and an arm holder, having a perfect view on Baekhyun leaning against the wall and talking with whoever-that-girl-was. 

Now, it wasn’t that Jongdae couldn’t hold his alcohol. It’s just that after New Year’s Eve that he decided to spend alone with a bottle of vodka and something with bubbles, he knew that he shouldn’t drink too much. A big red alert sign appeared in his head when he emptied yet another purple shot. He ignored it completely. He also ignored it when he emptied green and yellow shots too.

“Woah, Jongdae. Go slow, buddy!” laughed Chanyeol right into his ear and pulled him on the couch. 

And maybe Chanyeol was right - sue him - but did he really have to choose a seat right in front of Baekhyun? Because Jongdae had incredible self-control. It required a lot of strong will to look away from Baekhyun but he did that every day. Unless he was drunk. And right now Jongdae was pretty drunk.

He was vaguely aware of the way his eyes traced the outlines of Baekhyun’s shoulders and chest. He also knew that if someone noticed, his eyes would betray him. And if someone asked, Jongdae wasn’t sure if his tongue wouldn’t slip on the lies. But still - he couldn’t force himself to stand up and walk away. He couldn’t force himself to close his eyes. 

Baekhyun shifted, leaning his shoulder against the wall, still seemingly deeply engaged in the conversation. The shirt hugged his body a little bit tighter and Jongdae could clearly see the sharp edges of his hip bones. He bit the inner side of his cheek and lightly pinched his right forearm, finally forcing himself to look away. He completely missed the quick glance that Baekhyun threw at him and the way his lips quirked up.

“I think I need some fresh air.” mumbled Jongdae to Chanyeol, not sure if he would hear anything.

On wobbly legs Jongdae raised from the couch and carefully manoeuvred through the crowd in the living room. He had occupied this building for a few years when he was a ghost and he knew where to go. Jongdae simply needed to be alone for a moment. He was about to pull the doorknob when someone suddenly yanked his hand away.

“Don’t leave yet,” whined Baekhyun to his ear and Jongdae couldn’t help but smile a little bit. It was nice hearing him from so close. Jongdae missed that after years spent practically attached to Baekhyun’s hip.

“I just need some fresh air and opening window here is not a great idea.” explained Jongdae with his eyes fixed at the door. He was proud of how logical and collected he sounded despite the alcohol buzzing in his veins.

“Oh. Oh, okay…” Baekhyun replied thoughtfully, “I know a place. Let me take you there.” he said in an oddly soft manner.

Jongdae wasn’t surprised when Baekhyun lead him on the balcony at the top of the building. He knew his habits too well.

A gust of cold wind hit Jongdae in the face as he slipped through the door. He deliberately took a deep breath in, inhaling the heavy smell of Seoul’s streets in the middle of the night. It smelt like petrol, cold leaves, wet snow and a pinch of hot  _ ttoekbokki _ . Jongdae rested his arms against the balustrade of the balcony. He could already feel himself sobering a little bit and it made him wonder if he was really that drunk to begin with. Or better - with what or whom was he drunk with. Suddenly someone cleared their throat behind Jongdae’s back and he turned around abruptly.

“Baekhyun…” he sighed, letting his eyes fold into two crescents. “I thought you’d leave me here alone.”

Baekhyun laughed with embarrassment, adjusting the sweater that he pulled over his thin shirt. “I mean, I can leave if that’s what you want…”

For a moment they stared at each other. Finally Jongdae simply shrugged and looked down at the street again. He hoped that they dizziness he felt didn’t show at his face at all.

“I could use some company.” he said after a few seconds, sensing Baekhyun’s hesitance. 

He thought that he heard a sigh of relief but it could also be a car in the distance. Biting his lip, he tried to wipe off the small smile twisting his face. Baekhyun stepped closer. He leaned his back against the balustrade and fixed his eyes somewhere above. It was always like that - thought Jongdae bitterly - Baekhyun was always looking straight into the future while Jongdae himself was stuck looking down at the past. It was a pitiful thing to realize. 

“What are you thinking about, Jongdae?” asked Baekhyun, as if Jongdae’s inner turmoil was written all over his face. Maybe it was.

“Nothing in particular.” he lied easily. “Just life.”

Baekhyun hummed quietly and let the silence fall between them again. It was comfortable like this - standing soundlessly, listening to the sounds of the city around them. It must have been way after midnight but there were still plenty of people wandering here and there. 

“Sometimes I think that this city never truly sleeps.” said Baekhyun suddenly, “But then, I think ‘wow, if it’s like this in Seoul then I wonder how is it like in New York’. Is it much louder in there? Are streets that crowded in the middle of the night? Is it that different?” he rambled mindlessly. It sounded more like a stream of consciousness than an attempt to make a conversation. 

“It’s not much different.” hummed Jongdae, “The streets are crowded but it really depends on where you live. There are whole districts where people live normal, quiet life really.” he shrugged, his fingers tracing random patterns. “But then, maybe something changed when I was away…”

“You sound like an old man! It’s not like you lived there years ago!” laughed Baekhyun loudly and Jongdae could feel the vibrations of his laugh through the balustrade. The chuckling stopped abruptly, almost immediately going from pure amusement to thoughtfulness “I think that even if the city is different, people living there aren’t. Because places change… But people don’t change that much. ” 

Jongdae swallowed the tension that gathered on his tongue, leaving a salty aftertaste in his throat. It was truly ironic of Baekhyun to say something like that. Ironically accurate too. Jongdae could almost feel fate’s mean sneer at the back of his neck. 

“You may be right…” he nodded in response.

“Of course that I am!” Baekhyun laughed again. “So you used to live in New York, huh? You always referred to that time as ‘being in the states’ and all of us assumed that you were simply travelling.”

“We travelled a little bit…” said Jongdae with a pinch of hesitation in his voice. He couldn’t reveal much even if he craved for Baekhyun’s undivided attention. “But mostly we just lived in New York.”

A car crossed the street with a speed much too high to be safe. Jongdae rubbed his arms. Talking about New York with Baekhyun certainly did feel like driving in a car on the high speed. And Jongdae remembered way too vividly what can happen if someone drove too far.  _ Crash, bang, blood.  _ Fingertips light as a feather rested on Jongdae’s hand. Baekhyun’s hand looked nice like that. Delicate and elegant, oddly beautiful. Baekhyun's hand covering Jongdae’s skin. It looked good. Jongdae looked at Baekhyun through his ruffled-by-wind bangs. Reading Baekhyun was as easy as reading a book sometimes.

“Go ahead.” said Jongdae, dropping his head and freeing his hand from Baekhyun’s barely-there touch. “You can ask.”

“ _ We _ as in whom…?” Those elegant fingers were trembling against the smooth surface of the balustrade. 

Jongdae didn’t reply. He allowed the question but he couldn’t give an answer. 

“It was this person whose funeral you didn’t attend, wasn’t it?” asked Baekhyun again. His words deeply cut through the air. 

_ Crash, bang, silence.  _ Jongdae nodded slightly. It could hardly be called a ‘nod’, he merely tipped his head but it was enough for Baekhyun to understand. His hand traveled to the right, resting right next to Jongdae’s, so close that they could feel the heat of each other’s skin.

“If you ever want to talk about it know that I’m here to listen. I won’t force you to do it. You have your boundaries and I respect that.” Baekhyun broke silence again. “But if you ever want to just… break down in front of someone or just… just talk…” his voice was verging over hysteric, “please remember that I’m here, okay?”

Jongdae didn’t answer right away. He bit his lips, until he could taste the blood against his tongue. He folded his fingers into fists until he could feel his nails pricking his skin. He drew in a hissy breath and let it out heavily. Only after doing that, he looked at Baekhyun, right into the eyes he loved for centuries.

“Hug me?” Jongdae whispered, barely registering his own words.

Baekhyun’s arms were around him right away. Warm and welcoming. Gesture swallowing Jongdae whole as if he were drowning and Baekhyun was a safe air bubble under the water. Jongdae always made sure to keep distance, almost flinching ever so often when Baekhyun brushed his hand or patted his shoulder. Even after months it was terrifying to have him so close, still fearing that the moment would evaporate as if it was never there. Jongdae hid his face in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck, inhaling him subtly. The cinnamon and something soft like a baby powder, hit his nose. It was different to smell it from such a close distance, addictive even, like nothing he had ever felt. Jongdae pressed his nose even closer and the grip around his shoulders tightened.

He wasn’t crying, he didn’t feel particularly sad either but he wasn’t sure if Baekhyun knew that or not. So Jongdae egotistically let himself be drowned in this moment, let himself rest against Baekhyun’s chest because he had been dreaming of doing that for years.

He didn’t think of the past though. There was only now and only one Baekhyun in the world - the one standing in front of him. 

It was kind of freeing.

* * *

_ 16th February 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“So what’s between you and Byun Baekhyun?” asked Sehun all of sudden as if it was completely ordinary question, not completely out-of-Jongdae’s-comfort-zone type of question.

Naturally Jongdae choked on his coffee. Han helpfully patted his back. It turned out not to be so helpful as Jongdae started coughing even more violently.

Sehun looked pensive as he sipped his tea.

“What?” screeched Jongdae once he managed to finally calm down. “Baekhyun and I are friends.”

Sehun’s lips curved, forming a barely-there smirk.

“You sure?” he asked.

“Positively.” replied Jongdae and stirred his plain black coffee. He still wasn’t a big fan of coffee but he thought that maybe he just didn’t get the hype because the first time he tried it was a few months ago. No one was saying anything for a while until Jongdae’s head snapped up and he finally drawled a question: “Why would you even ask that?”

The smug smirk on Sehun’s face told him that the younger was waiting for him to ask since the beginning. Even Han’s eyes brightened up a little bit. Or maybe it was the light.

“I’m glad you ask, little Jongdae-”

“I’m older though.”

“Irreverent.” cut Sehun.

“Sehun’s taller.” piped Han unhelpfully. 

“Let me finish, would you?” sighed Sehun but his eyes were warm when he looked at Han. “Okay, good.” he cleared his throat. “So basically the thing is that… remember the party at Baekhyun’s that was last month?”

Jongdae’s eyebrows furrowed but he nodded anyway. He was pretty sure that they were alone when he asked Baekhyun to hug him. That was one of the reasons he dared to force these words through his throat.

Sehun’s smile grew wider. “Well, Baekhyun and you disappeared for quite a while suddenly and when you were back you both were much more red than when you left. So considering the circumstances everyone just assumed that you two hooked up.”

Thankfully Jongdae spit his coffee straight to his cup this time. Sehun continued nonetheless. 

“Especially since, you know, Baekhyun wore that ridiculous shirt for you and you made bedroom eyes for him all evening long.” he finally finished, taking a long loud sip of his tea. “But the thing is that Baekhyun didn’t say a word about it to anyone, not even Chanyeol, so we’re all kind of confused on what is going on.”

“We are!” provided Han, leaning over the table and looking directly at Jongdae.

Despite the burning cheeks and absolute tremor that was running down his spine, Jongdae deliberately raised his cup once again and sipped on the hot liquid. The bitterness on his tongue was nothing compared to what was twisting him inside.

“Lies and slander.” he said finally lowering his cup. His cheeks reddened even more. “First of all, as I mentioned before, there’s nothing between Baekhyun and I. Nothing romantic nor… sexual. And I’m not even going to comment on other certainly false accusations that you threw at me.”

For a split of a second Sehun seemed to be completely shocked with his admission. But then Jongdae a little bit too quickly looked down, his blush didn’t fade even by a bit and his eyelashes flattered too quickly. Sehun smirked again, almost purring with satisfaction. He was about to open his mouth, well-formed tease heavying on his tongue when suddenly he felt a sharp jab at his ribs. He glanced at Han sitting next to him. The Chinese shook his head slightly and glanced back at Jongdae who was nervously fiddling with his cup.

At the end, Sehun let it be.

Jongdae hardly noticed anything from the last unspoken exchange.

He was too fixated at the mere idea that Baekhyun could have wear that sinful shirt because of him.

* * *

_ 6th March 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae’s love was different than the one depicted in the movies and books. Sometimes it made him wonder if it’s because it was flawed to begin with or if it was because of its nature. The lines between ordinary and unreasonable were hazy because of tears gathered under the thick layer of years he spent with Baekhyun. So maybe this love wasn’t even love in its pure form - maybe it was so modified that it hardly reminded love to the people who didn’t feel it… Jongdae didn’t know that.

Whatever that was that he identified as love, made him much softer and subtle in his affection. He didn’t follow Baekhyun like a love-sick puppy, more like a loyal shepherd dog. He wasn’t blushing every time Baekhyun looked at him but he could feel his lips tugging up involuntarily. He knew when to disagree with Baekhyun but he supported him nonetheless. Jongdae liked to think that his love was more mature than the one shown in teenage dramas, but maybe he was just a freak. It didn’t matter to him. Sure. He dreamt about his feelings being returned, day-dreamed even, but he had seen Baekhyun with his heart broken more than once before. It wasn’t the hazard that he was willing to take even if he was almost certain that he wouldn’t be able to even scratch Baekhyun’s heart. Jongdae was a freak of nature. A ghost that came back to life. He couldn’t be sure how much time he had left on earth. It would be unfair to give Baekhyun or himself too much hope.

* * *

_ 18th March 2018, _

_ Hwaseong, South Korea _

The spring was barely even there when Chanyeol suggested a trip but they agreed anyway. Jongdae was hesitant at first but when Baekhyun said that he’d be going, it was as if Jongdae didn’t have a choice to begin with. It was strange when he thought about that - for years he was forced to follow the latter but now that he could go wherever he wanted - he still chose to stay with Baekhyun.

"Jongdae what do you think about that?" Kyungsoo's voice startled him suddenly. Jongdae blinked at him and the younger man sighed. " _ Mourning Diary _ ? You've read it, didn't you?"

Jongdae barked an embarrassed laugh. He remembered exactly when he read it for the first time, over Baekhyun’s shoulder in his tiny room in New York in the 1980s. 

"I liked the way the author pictured the protagonist's inner turmoil, I suppose. You could feel those raw emotions prickling under your skin." he said self-consciously, feeling the eyes of the group on himself. "There's something absolutely heart-breaking about the way the author describes the life after losing your beloved…”

“That’s true.” agreed Kyungsoo.

Jongdae waved his hand, letting the others know that he had something more to say. He looked around at his friends. Not all of them went to Hwaseong, both Yifan and Han wasn’t here which made it somehow easier to Jongdae. He opened his mouth again. Words felt heavy on his tongue, too heavy to swallow them, and the urge to let them out was way too strong.

“Personally, I think that this is the kind of book you should read twice in your life.” he started, voice wavering only a little bit, “First time before you lose someone and seconds time… after you lose them. It really puts things into perspective.”

The atmosphere in the room instantly grew gloomier. Jongdae looked up, almost sure that he would be able to see dark clouds gathering under the ceiling. His fingers drummed against coffee table. They were waiting for him to say more, Jongdae could almost feel the taste of their curiosity on his tongue. He gulped. The metallic aftertaste was clinging to his throat.

“I read this book years ago. All of us did actually.” Jongdae frowned but the corners of his lips tugged up involuntary, letting the memories fill his head. “If one of them read a good book, everyone had to read it. Usually it was Jun who did the first reading, he was a smart kid, a complete nerd. Till this day I ask myself how did he end up in this kind of environment.” he laughed to the memory.

“This kind of environment?” asked Sehun trying to sound flippantly, in spite of seriousness in his eyes. Jongdae didn’t have to look at the faces to know how others felt.

He inhaled sharply.

“There were… five, five of them. Six if you want to count me in.” his fingers were tugging at the sleeves of his own shirt. “There was Junmyeon but we called him Jun. And if you knew Jun, you also knew Kris. They could understand each other without words. It was kind of adorable to watch. And of course… there were also Han...ni… Hanni and Tao, I’ve never seen nosier people. Not even our Sehunnie can match them.” Jongdae snorted heavily.

The wind outside blew harder and an old branch scratched against the surface of the window, empathising the eeriness. Jongdae moved his fingers. His knuckles popped quietly.

“That’s four though…” Chanyeol said almost hesitantly. The words uncomfortably hang in the air above their heads. 

Jongdae studied his face for a moment. Chanyeol had eyes fixed at his hands, hidden behind thick eyelashes. He looked equally scared and embarrassed. Then Jongdae looked at the others - at Sehun who was leaning his back against the wall and staring at the ceiling, at Kyungsoo who was biting his lower lip, at Baekhyun who looked almost hurt. Their eyes met. Jongdae grimaced. 

“You said that there were five others…” Baekhyun explained helplessly.

“That’s true.” sighed Jongdae and dropped his head. Suddenly the floor was much more interesting than the ghost of the fifth person. “Jun, Kris, Tao, Hannie and there was also one more person.” his voice dropped an octave lower. “He was very special to me. That person. A man of big dreams, great hopes and enormous source of energy. He was so much more than he came across as, you know? People saw him through that ridiculous piercing and smoke but he was so much more!” Jongdae laughed heavily. “I still miss him sometimes…”

“You two don’t talk anymore?” asked Sehun hoarsely.

Jongdae chuckled.

“No, Sehunnie… You can’t really talk to someone who is dead.”

* * *

_ 26th April 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

_ Inhale, exhale. The plan was easy and solid. Go to work, do his chores, come back home, eat dinner and grab a coffee with Baekhyun. _ Jongdae swung the door to a cafe open. 

Here was where things got tricky because he had to ask a new incarnation of his true and only love to spend a night with him because he was scared that he would turn back into a ghost. Jongdae wasn’t dramatic person but, even to him, it appeared as  _ potentially problematic. _

“Jongdae! Over here!” Baekhyun waved at him, as if it was possible for Jongdae not to be naturally drawn to Baekhyun’s slender silhouette as soon as he walked in. “I’ve already ordered for you. You usually go with plain espresso, don’t you?”

Jongdae hated espresso but it was what he always ordered anyway. He was desperate to understand what people loved in its bitter taste and deep dark shade of the liquid. It was still nice that Baekhyun remembered his order. The dizzy-inside kind of nice. Jongdae pushed that thought aside, fighting the blush that appeared on his cheeks, and slid down to side on the opposite side of the table.

“Baekhyun, hi.” he spoke levelly, letting the softness slip over the name. There was a time when Jongdae’s voice used to be louder but it was long centuries ago. Now, he thought that he wouldn’t be able to yell even if he wanted to. “How was your day?” he smiled, folding his hands on the table. 

“Same old, same old… I swear, each year students just get more and more lazy.” huffed Baekhyun, stirring his vanilla latte aggressively. “I only hope that you don’t give your lecturers the headache students give to the professors at my department.”

Jongdae barked out a laugh, quickly covering his mouth with his hand. It was an old, silly habit that he acquired long years ago, centuries ago even. 

“I’m hurt that you doubt me.” he said innocently, batting his eyelashes at Baekhyun. “I’m literally an angel.”

“Right…” replied Baekhyun mockingly, while eyeing Jongdae suspiciously. “I will believe it when I see it.” he added with bright spark behind the curtain of his eyelashes.

Jongdae ducked his head down and started tracing the edge of his cup with his finger. He could still feel the curious gaze on himself. It felt like soaking in the sunlight every time Baekhyun looked directly at him. Impossible how much warmth one look can cause. 

The coffee machine standing nearby started buzzing, startling Jongdae. Baekhyun snorted and, crossing his arms on the chest, looked out of the window. Last rays of the sun rested on his face, delicately tinting it with pinks and oranges. He closed his eyes, letting the eyelashes fall down, creating a deep shadows running doe his cheeks. Jongdae thought he looked divine. Biting his lip, he forced himself to look away. It was almost painful.

Somewhere between one more cup of espresso and one more latte (this one with caramel syrup), Baekhyun said that he absolutely had to show Jongdae his newest food processor and he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Jongdae was confused but he let himself being dragged anyway. He wasn’t going to call Baekhyun out on this strange attempt of inviting him over. It was the kind of extraness that one had to accept if they were friends with Byun Baekhyun.

To Jongdae, with his paper-life and paper-house, Baekhyun’s small flat always felt more like home than his own. As if the memory of his ghostly form was still clinging to the walls, Jongdae felt more as a whole here. As a result, once he realized that Baekhyun didn’t mind his company, he took every opportunity he could to spend time there.

They were on their way to the flat, when Jongdae felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

“Kyungsoo?” he answered, waving at Baekhyun to wait for him.

“Jongdae. Sorry to call but I’m at the bookstore and I need help…”

After a couple of minutes, Jongdae finally managed to get out of Kyungsoo for whom exactly he was buying the book (Chanyeol) and for what occasion (in theory - none). They talked for a while, Kyungsoo reading the titles out loud and Jongdae either accepting the choice or suggesting to throw it into the garbage. It was until a car honked loudly nearby, that Kyungsoo realized that Jongdae wasn’t at home.

“You should have told me you can’t talk right now!” scuffed Kyungsoo.

“Don’t worry. We’re not doing anything special anyway.” shrugged Jongdae, looking at Baekhyun fondly.

“You’re with Baekhyun?” asked Kyungsoo on the other side of the line.

Jongdae frowned. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“Wild guess.” Kyungsoo snorted before exhaling loudly. “So what are you up to?”

“Baekhyun wanted to show me his food processor.” replied Jongdae seriously.

There was a moment of silence on the phone. Another car honked in the distance. 

“Excuse me but what?” laughed Kyungsoo.

“Food processor.” Jongdae repeated.

“Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Wait you really don’t…” trailed Kyungsoo, Jongdae could almost see his frown. “Okay. Nevermind. If that’s the case then I don’t want to take your precious time. Have fun admiring food processors.” he said and hung up.

Jongdae for a moment stared at his phone before slipping it back to his pocket. He sighed helplessly and looked back at Baekhyun. His cheeks were covered with a faint pink blush. 

Soon after the call, both of them were sitting safe and warm on the counter in Baekhyun’s kitchen, leaning over the popcorn popping in the microwave. The sky behind the windows had already grown dark and when Baekhyun offered that they could watch a movie together - Jongdae didn’t refuse. 

They settled on some superhero movie that Jongdae was sure both of them had seen more times than he could count but he didn’t point it out. It was too nice to have Baekhyun pressed against his shoulder. Jongdae could have sworn he felt sparks of electricity even through his thick hoodie. Heart was hammering in his chest and nothing - not even the dreadful vision of upcoming midnight - could stop Jongdae’s soul from singing happily. He was still scared, terrified even, but as long and Baekhyun was close Jongdae could be sure that he was still here, still very much of a human. He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of. But one year of being a human again, seemed almost like too much. Fate was never this generous for Jongdae. 

He decided that if he would come back to being a ghost tomorrow, he wouldn’t be mad. He had made memories enough for a lifetime, or even two or three. Getting his hopes too high, would only crush Jongdae enough, so whole year long he tried to stay in the line both in terms of his personal life and friendship with Baekhyun. Yes, Jongdae was sure that he wouldn’t be mad if he was dead again in a few hours. He would be sad, but not angry. It surely counted for something.

Suddenly something dropped softly on Jongdae’s shoulder. Lose strands of Baekhyun’s ruffled hair were tickling the left side of his neck. Jongdae froze, afraid to say anything or move. It took his a moment to comprehend that Baekhyun had fallen asleep on him.

Jongdae glanced at the clock. There were still two hours left until midnight. It was safe to assume that once Baekhyun woke up, he wouldn’t kick him out. 

_ “I won’t be alone tonight.” _ Jongdae internally sighed with relief, relaxing a little bit. If he could cling to Baekhyun throughout the night then maybe fate wouldn’t take him away.

Because there was something Jongdae was afraid to admit even to himself. 

There was nothing he wanted more than to stay alive.

_ “I shouldn’t think about that.” _ Jongdae scolded himself mentally,  _ “Daydreaming never brought you any good, Kim Jongdae.” _

His phone lying on the table next to him lit up, showing first lines of the new message. Carefully, not to wake up Baekhyun, Jongdae reached out and picked up the phone. He smiled at the displayed name. A year ago he wouldn’t have thought that Chanyeol and himself would be this close. 

**Chanyeollie:** _Heard that baek and u decided to bring ur relationship on a new level_

**Jongdee: ** _ Don’t know what you’re talking about _

**Chanyeollie:** _wonderful world of food processors?!?!? exciting!!!! _

Jongdae silently chuckled at the message. He could almost hear Chanyeol’s dramatic flare. 

**Chanyeollie:** _im sorry, am i interrupting smh? Is bbh shoving his tongue down your throat yet?_

Jongdae flushed red and quickly glanced to check if Baekhyun was still asleep.

**Jongdee** : _ asshole. It’s not funny he cld have seen it _

**Chanyeollie:** i _ t’s true tho. He’s getting desperate, u know _

**Jongdee:** … 

**Chanyeollie:** _:D go get your boy, dae_

**Chanyeollie** :  _ im serious. he’s been waitin for you so long _

**Chanyeollie** : _ it almost hurts to watch the two of you _

**Jongdee** : …

His fingers were hanging above the screen, as he tried to decide if he should or should not play it safe. Quickly, Jongdae typed a reply just to look at it and deleted it even faster. He started the sentence once more, stopped again and closed the window. Seconds later Chanyeol’s bubble appeared again.

**Chanyeollie:** _i can see you typing_

**Jongdee** :  _ please just leave it to me, okay?  _

**Chanyeollie** : _ ‘kay _

**Chanyeollie** :  _ B _ u _ t dont hurt him and yourself in the processor _

**Chanyeollie** _ : oops, I meant ‘process’ ;))) _

**Jongdee** : _ I’m not talking to you ever again. _

He huffed out and turned off the phone, before putting it back on the table. The room was awfully dark as the movie came to an end a long time ago, leaving the black screen only source of the light. Jongdae put his forearm over his face. Deep down he was aware of the little glances that Baekhyun was stealing. He saw the quick shifts of brown eyes when Jongdae caught him staring. He was treasuring every blush and every awkward giggle.

But it still felt wrong. 

Jongdae knew that he would never forgive himself if he gave hope to Baekhyun, only to leave him alone soon after that. Who knew how much time Jongdae had left in this body? There were too many ‘what ifs’ in this scenario. Dying facts and feelings still seemed to be safer and less painful option. 

“I’m a coward again.” mumbled Jongdae under his breath. A sharp piercing gaze from the 80s flashed before his eyes. In some sort of way it was disappointing that indeed Jongdae didn’t change much when it came to bravery.

“Why?” asked a quiet voice right next to his ear.

Jongdae jerked away and Baekhyun whined at the loss of the headrest.

“I thought that you were sleeping.” grumbled Jongdae after overcoming the first shock.

“But I was. Until your arms started shaking.” pouted Baekhyun, “I tried going back to sleep, thank you very much but then you mumbled that bullshit and here we are. Talking Jongdae out of his ridiculous ideas again.” he shifted on the couch to face Jongdae. The room was almost completely dark but Baekhyun’s eyes were shining furiously nonetheless. “So why do you think you’re a coward?” 

Jongdae quickly glanced at the electronic clock under the television. Still one hour left till midnight. He swallowed hard, trying to chase away the anxiety in his stomach.

“Because I never have the guts to do what I want to.” he admitted finally.

Baekhyun tentatively touched Jongdae’s hand. The gesture was almost agonizingly affectionate and caring. Jongdae mentally blessed surrounding darkness for helping him hide the deep blush on his cheeks. He had a suspicion that it matched the flush on Baekhyun’s face. 

“I don’t think it’s a matter of having the guts, Jongdae.” hummed Baekhyun, gently brushing his thumb of Jongdae’s skin. “To me, it seems that you simply care too much about the people around you. You don’t want to hurt them accidentally when you try to run after your own happiness. Or when you chase your dreams. But I can tell you a secret, if you want to.”

Jongdae nodded swiftly before remembering that Baekhyun could have missed the gesture in the dark. He was about to reply verbally, when he felt fingertips touching the back of his neck and pushing him closer. The movement was excruciatingly slow, giving him an opportunity to move away. The touch was barely there, barely pushing forward but at the same time - strong enough to make it unable to escape it.

Their cheeks almost-brushed against each other and Jongdae nostrils filled with familiar scent of cinnamon with a hint of vanilla. It wouldn’t take much to turn his head and place a kiss on Baekhyun’s cheek. It would require only a little bit of effort to tilt his head even more and taste Baekhyun’s lips. Jongdae did none of it. He just let himself being led. He felt Baekhyun moving closer too, his breath skimming over Jongdae’s skin. The fingers that were once touching the back of Jongdae’s neck, were now lazily flickering through the soft of his hair.

“Do you want to know the secret,  _ Jong-dae _ ?” repeated Baekhyun quietly and Jongdae could feel the shape of these words on his ear. 

Jongdae nodded and Baekhyun’s fingers scraped over the back of his head.

“Sometimes you and  _ some  _ people around you dream of the same thing.” 

“They do?” asked Jongdae before he could stop himself.

“Yep.” Baekhyun replied softly before pulling away. The empty space he left reeked of loneliness and coldness. “Give it a thought, Jongdae.” he added softly. “I’m going to take a shower.”

For a couple of minutes Jongdae stared intensely at the trail of light coming from the bathroom when Baekhyun disappeared. He wanted to wait. He had questions to ask, doubting his own judgemental even more than ever. Jongdae wasn’t stupid, he saw the purpose of whole conversation as clear as his own misery. The temptation lingered sweetly on his tongue as he waited and waited and waited, listening to the sound of running water. 

At the end, it turned out to be too much for his tense from stress body and tired of anxiety mind. Exactly quarter before midnight Kim Jongdae slipped down the arm holder, falling softly right into the arms of Morpheus.

* * *

_ 3:15 am  _

_ 27th April 2019, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae woke up feeling cold and confused. Absently he tried finding his blanket that usually ended up tangled around his feet but this time it wasn’t there. He blinked his eyes opened and his sleepy gaze almost immediately rested on the red electronic display of the clock. The numbers instantly brought his back to reality. Absolute tremor filled his veins and body. Today marked a year since he became human again. He could have slept through losing himself. His heartbeat was drumming in his ears and he frantically started touching furniture around him. Flat surface of the table. Unfamiliar softness of the pillow. Cold air swiping his skin. He took a sharp inhale and caressed his own skin. He could still feel it.

With difficulty, Jongdae sat up on the couch, letting the world around him sink in. It was Baekhyun’s living room and the blanket he was looking for was lying on the floor. Exhaling heavily Jongdae bend over and brought it to his face. It smelt like Baekhyun.

Jongdae’s heartbeat sped up again. 

Just because he could feel objects didn’t mean that he was really here.

_ “Stay calm, stay calm.”  _ he chanted to himself quietly. His voice was trembling, even he could hear it.

Various scenarios were flashing through Jongdae’s brain - each of them more terrifying than the previous one. All he could do was sit frozen and let the terrible visions roll one after another. He wasn’t sure what was worse - memories of the past voices or foggy images of possible future. Tiny Baekhyun from Joseon was crying heavily in front of his eyes. Shaman’s loud singing was resonating through his brain. Jongdae reached out for the memory of Baekhyun leaning over ancient Chinese text - and his hand went through the body once again. 

It felt as if pure panic was injected into his blood. Fear so blinding that Jongdae found it hard to think at all.

Deep, frightened sob escaped his dry and raw from crying throat.

In a moment of blissful clarity, he pulled himself on his feet and stumbled in general direction of Baekhyun’s bedroom. He could barely focus on this one bright thought, completely forgetting about the furniture he was bumping against. The physical discomfort was nothing compared to the horror running in his blood.

His hand rested on the door, pushing it open.

The bedroom was eerily quiet. Absolute silence interrupted only with Baekhyun’s peaceful breathing. For a second Jongdae wondered if it was worth it. If it wasn’t truly a crime for him to wake up Baekhyun, sweet Baekhyun,  _ his  _ Baekhyun.

Jongdae’s steps were careful, deliberate, nothing like messy stumbles in the living room. It was a perfect balance of wanting to come closer but being scared of moving nearer. It took him almost 10 minutes to get from the door to the edge to Baekhyun’s bed, if the clock on the wall was to be trusted. Hesitantly, Jongdae crouched down next to the sleeping figure, resting his fingers next to Baekhyun’s hand. He was tempted to reach out now - to see if he could feel the warmth beneath his touch - but he stopped himself from doing that. Instead Jongdae let out the faintest of sounds and let the old nickname roll down his tongue.

“Baekhyunnie. Baekhyunnie, wake up.” his lips started trembling as he received no reaction.

_ “Louder,” _ urged the voices in his head,  _ “Try speaking louder.” _

“Baekhyunnie, wake up. Baekhyunnie.” he repeated himself, “Baekhyunnie, please…”

The man on the bed stirred in his sleep.

“Baekhyun. Wake. Up.” cried Jongdae softly.

Baekhyun groaned sleepily and rolled onto his back before slowly opening his eyes. He blinked a couple of times trying to regain the focus. Jongdae watched him mesmerized. Silver moonlight broke into the room, slipping through cracks in windowblinds. Baekhyun yawned and groggily raised himself on his elbows before tilting his head and looking and Jongdae.

“Jongdae?” his voice was hoarse but his eyes widened instantly when he saw the traces of fear painted on Jongdae’s pale face. “Jongdae, what happened?” He stirred and sat properly on the bed.

Jongdae’s fingers dug into the soft mattress. He swallowed the uncertainty gathering in his throat. It tasted salty, like tears.

“Could you…” his voice was barely above the most quiet of whispers but he still had to take a deep breath, trying to calm down his own pulse. “Could you hold my hand for a moment?”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened slightly at the odd request.

“Yeah, yes. Sure.” he replied and delicately took Jongdae’s hand between his own.

The touch sent sparks of electricity and warmth down Jongdae’s spine and he exhaled loudly. He felt sore everywhere on his body and his face was wet from sweat and tears. Tired and drained, he dropped his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, bathing in the familiar warmth and smell. The body felt solid against his own. Baekhyun’s breathing was so different against his own that was ragged, broken and way too fast. Air hurt his lungs.

Shyly Jongdae put his hand on Baekhyun’s chest. He could feel the heartbeat in the chest, He could feel the pulse under the skin. He could feel the hot breath against his neck. He was alive. Slowly, inch by inch Jongdae’s muscles started relaxing with each breath the draw in. By the time he completely calmed down his eyelids were heavy and his fingers - numb.

Baekhyun shifted a little bit on his seat and Jongdae was ready to jump away, but before he managed to even try, he was pulled closer. Chest against chest. Heartbeat against heartbeat. Baekhyun hid his face in the crook of Jongdae’s neck.

None of them had the courage to point out that the other was crying. None of them bothered to give the other a reason behind it either.

* * *

_ 09:07am _

_ 27th April 2019, _

_ Seoul South Korea _

Jongdae woke up alone in Baekhyun’s bed. Usually he needed a moment to ground himself in reality but it wasn’t a case today. He knew exactly where he was and what happened last night. He remembered everything with extreme details. Absently his fingers slipped over his messy hair. The curls were a little bit floppy but still soft and very real. Corners of Jongdae’s lips curled up happily. He was still here.

It wasn’t clear even to Jongdae himself why he feared this one day so much. Fate had proved him earlier that she was everything but logical and linear and yet Jongdae had an odd confidence that from now on, maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.

He threw away the blanket and raised from the bed, swiftly putting his feet on the floor. The coldness was almost refreshing. Within the next couple of seconds he dashed out of the room, following the sounds coming from the kitchen.

The coffee maker was already turned on, humming lazily. Baekhyun was carefully stirring the scrambled eggs in a frying pan with one hand, while the other tried to suppress a yawn. Jongdae stopped in his tracks to take the view. Through his head flashed all the mornings that he had spent with Baekhyun without the other knowing. Today should feel the same, should feel similar. But it didn’t.

It was a different moment. A whole new memory.

Baekhyun looked over his shoulder and smiled hesitantly at Jongdae.

“I hope that you slept well.” he muttered before turning back to the frying pan.

Jongdae hummed happily in reply and watched the tension slowly evaporate from Baekhyun’s posture. 

_ “He must have been worried.” _ thought Jongdae and his heart clenched a little bit.

On a spur of the moment, Jongdae crossed the distance between them and carefully rested his fingers on Baekhyun’s shoulder. His skin was warm through the thin shirt he was wearing. 

“Baekhyun…” his thumb touched the bare skin under the shirt and Baekhyun shivered under the touch. 

“Mhm?” his eyes never left the stirring spatula.

Jongdae’s heart was beating so hard that it was probably about to burst his chest open but he didn’t care. “I was thinking if you wanted to go out with me?” he asked slowly, much slower than he pegged himself to be able to.

Baekhyun’s movements ceased for a solid few seconds. The sound of frying eggs and humming coffee maker being the only two things that filled the silence. After a moment Baekhyun went back to stirring the eggs.

“It depends…” he said carefully, at the same time tilting his head a little bit to the right as if he wanted to lean on the hand resting on his shoulder. 

“Oh, it does now?” asked Jongdae, a smirk tinting his voice with shades of green - the colour of hope.

“Yep. So basically I’ve been pining after you for quite a while now…” admitted Baekhyun and if it wasn’t for his burning red ears, Jongdae would bet that he wasn’t embarrassed. “Which means that you have to guarantee me at least three dates. That will somehow make up for all that time I waited.”

Maybe if it wasn’t one of the most beautiful moments of Jongdae’s laugh he would actually laugh at the irony of Baekhyun’s words. But the soft edged sentences were ringing in his head, settling elegantly in his heart and he thought that maybe that was the first time he actually breathed. At the end, Jongdae huffed a soundless laugh and rested his head on the top of his hand. Baekhyun’s skin was positively burning through the shirt.

“I’m pretty sure I waited for you longer but let’s say we have a deal.”

* * *

_ 3rd May 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

It was their mutual decision not to inform any of their friends about the upcoming date. Baekhyun specially chose a cafe which was far away from the city center, to avoid risking Sehun, Chanyeol or Yifan walking into them. Jongdae didn’t mind. He would be ready to travel on the opposite side of the world if he was promised a date with Baekhyun. It felt like a dream really. Baekhyun had been pining for months, sure, but Jongdae fell in love with him  _ centuries _ ago. After all that time doing something as mundane as going on a date seemed almost ridiculous. 

He decided to arrive to the cafe much earlier. In fact he briefly considered arriving at the opening to be sure to save the best table for himself and Baekhyun, but at the end, he decided against that idea. He would probably earn too many weird stares and the last thing he wanted was to draw attention away from the gorgeous human being that Byun Baekhyun was.

Slightly embarrassed, Jongdae walked to the counter. He ordered green tea this time - he gave coffee way too many chances. Apparently it just wasn’t a drink for him. He checked the time and hummed seeing that he still had plenty of time.

He chose a tiny table that was a little bit hidden at the back. The lights were pleasantly dimmed. Jongdae assumed that since it was an actual date, Baekhyun wouldn’t mind the atmosphere.

The phone on the table lit up.

**Bae*:** _I’ll probs arrive earlier, do you want me to order anything for you???_

Jongdae raised his hand to muffle a chuckle. Baekhyun was a fool for thinking that Jongdae could possibly be late or worse - exactly on time. 

**J-dae: ** _ I’m already waiting actually… _

**Bae*: ** _ ♡♡!!111!!1!!!♡♡♡!!!!1!!♡♡!!1 _

A couple of minutes later a bell above the door rang loudly and Jongdae didn’t even have to raise his head to see who came into the cafe, to know that it was Baekhyun. Slowly he counted to ten, taking his time to calm down and collect himself.

When he raised his gaze, his breath hitched.

He supposed that Baekhyun didn’t look that different than usual. His hair were ruffled just like always and he was pretty sure that he had already seen Baekhyun wearing this sweater. Which didn’t mean that today Jongdae saw him in a completely different light.

First of all, Baekhyun was beaming - not only smiling - but literally beaming. His eyes were shining as if they were filled with thousands of stars. His slightly flushed skin - probably a result of running - was glowing. Everything about the way he walked was elegant and enchanting and finally Jongdae didn’t feel an inner compulsion to look away. Nearing the table Baekhyun had audacity to wink at him. Jongdae stuck out his tongue but blushed anyway.

“Take a picture, it will last longer.” grinned Baekhyun, sliding on the chair. He looked around and hummed with delight. “It’s really nice in here.” 

“Nice spot for… yeah.” stuttered Jongdae awkwardly, earning a chuckle from the other. Now that Baekhyun was right in front of Jongdae, he had trouble keeping his thoughts in order. “Ah, I forgot to order for you!” he yelped quietly, groaning. “Sorry.”

Baekhyun only laughed. “Well, you are lucky that I’m already whipped for you because I could have been offended, you know.” he winked again, causing Jongdae’s blush to grow even darker. Baekhyun tilted his head and watched him for a moment. “Tell you what. Believe me when I tell you that I’m just as nervous as you are right now. So let me take my order to give both of us time to relax, okay? Don’t you dare to run away now.” 

Exhaling heavily Jongdae nodded vigorously and ducked his head down. 

His whole face was burning. He had been dreaming of this day for years and now he couldn’t even speak like a normal person. He squeezed his eyes tightly, trying to clear up his mind. It was Baekhyun. Okay maybe Jongdae did had a crush on Baekhyun for few hundreds years but they were _ friends _ now. It was Baekhyun. His actual friend Baekhyun who apparently liked him back. There was nothing, literally nothing to be nervous about. Jongdae opened his eyes, just when the screen of his phone lit up. Confused with the displayed name, Jongdae swiped the phone open.

**Bae*:** _!!! Listen, Jongdae!! I’m on a date with the guy I’ve been crushing on for like __months__ and oh my god!! _

**Bae*: ** _ He looks gorgeous today!  _

**Bae*:** _I think I may pass out!!!pls help!!!_

Jongdae bit down the grin forming on his lips and glanced at Baekhyun who was innocently waiting in the queue to take his order. Their eyes met and Baekhyun smiled widely before looking back at the menu. Jongdae snorted.

**J-dae: ** _ I bet he’s just as nervous as you are! As long as you don’t sneeze at him you’re gonna be fine ;) _

**Bae*: ** _ dw, i was thinking of another way to exchange saliva with him. _

Jongdae choked on his tea. He could have sworn that he heard a giggle coming from the cafe’s counter. It took him a few deep breath-ins to finally calm down his racing heartbeat.

**J-dae: ** _ disgusting when you phrase it like that _

He huffed soundlessly and pushed the phone into the pocket of his jeans.

“Well, that’s not exactly a ‘no’ so I guess we’re off the great start.” grinned Baekhyun sitting in front of Jongdae and setting his latte down. He then took his time to stretch out his arms, making a show off moving his fingers and arching his neck. Jongdae watched him completely mesmerized with the view. “I told you already… take a picture, it will last longer.” purred Baekhyun, catching the awed gaze.

“I think I will settle for seeing it again sometime during our next date.” said Jongdae smoothly. Nothing betrayed the loud hammering that was resonating through his chest. 

Baekhyun froze and his eyes widened funnily. Jongdae chuckled seeing his reaction.

“What?” he asked, scratching the back of his head.

“Nothing. I guess, I just never pegged you for a flirter.” shrugged Baekhyun, leaning over the table and resting his chin on his hands.

Jongdae giggled ashamed. “Oh, definitely not a flirting type here! More like silent admirer, I suppose…” he replied flushing deeply.

“It’s still flattering.” Baekhyun grinned mischievously, taking in the details of Jongdae’s face before briefly looking down. “No espresso today, bitter-boy?”

“I don’t really like coffee actually.” scoffed Jongdae, before cautiously looking away. He was afraid that if he stayed this close to Baekhyun’s face, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from touching his cheek. 

“Oh?”

“I tried forcing myself into doing this, to kind of ‘fit in’.” he air-quoted the last words.

“Was not asking me out earlier also a part of that ‘fit in’ project?” Baekhyun asked mercilessly but his eyes were glimmering brightly.

“No. It was… a little bit different.” Jongdae smiled looking down at his tea. 

“I’ve been told that I’m intimidating.” teased Baekhyun shamelessly, startling a laugh out of Jongdae. “Don’t worry, ‘Dae. I bet we’re gonna have lots of fun today.” he added after a moment, tentatively reaching out and brushing his fingers against Jongdae’s hand. “Not much has changed. Now we simply can stop pretending that we don’t like each other.” 

Jongdae nodded, corners of his lips twitching up. 

“Yeah... “ he put his tea down and carefully returned the gesture. “I guess that you’re right.”

After finishing their beverages, for a while they simply wandered around, losing the track more than once as neither of them was familiar with this neighbourhood. At the end, they ended up sitting in the park, eating the  _ tteokbokki _ Baekhyun bought from the food cart nearby.

“Gods, I can’t believe we’re really doing this.” sighed Baekhyun dreamingly, looking up at the sky.

“Eating? If you were this hungry, you should have told me earlier!” Jongdae stopped munching for a moment. Baekhyun burst into a squeaky laughter. “I don’t see what’s so funny…” grumbled Jongdae, stuffing another _ tteokbokki _ into his mouth. 

“I mean a date, Jongdae. This date.” smiled Baekhyun a little bit shyly. “I really thought that I should just let it go. But you don’t even realize how hard it is to stop paying attention to everything you do. Like…” he gestured at Jongdae, “You could talk to me about ancient strategies of defence and I’d still have heart-eyes.”

Jongdae’s face twisted in a smile that he hoped could pass as ‘awkward but somewhat adorably confused’. He quickly ate the last bite and tossed the plastic box to the trash can.

“Well. We’re definitely not going to talk about that.” he replied finally, looking everywhere but at Baekhyun. “There are much more interesting things to talk about or do.” he added, stretching out his legs on the grass.

Leaves on the tree above them rustled with the wind, letting sunrays slide down the branches. Jongdae hummed watching the sparks of gold and yellow dance in front of his eyes. Their movements were frantic and chaotic but oddly coordinated in a way that made it hard for him to look away. The spring was at a full bloom by now. Jongdae reached out, his hand flat above the grass, letting the rays of sun brush over his skin. 

“Look. It’s so beautiful, isn’t it? Baekhyunnie?” he asked softly, carefully tasting the nickname on his tongue. It felt as warm as the golden freckles on his skin.

With a corner of his eyes Jongdae vaguely registered a shift but before he realized what exactly was happening Baekhyun slid his hand under his own. Their fingers interlocked as if they were always meant to stay like that - together. Surprised, Jongdae looked at Baekhyun as he leaned a little bit closer.

They were looking at each other for a moment. Jongdae with his pupils dilated and Baekhyun who was innocently fluttering his long eyelashes. Suddenly it felt ridiculous to look at the sun's rays instead of each other.

Jongdae’s gaze slipped down and stopped at Baekhyun’s lips. An annoying smirk was threatening to pull up their corners any second soon. Jongdae couldn’t tell how many times he admired the shape of Baekhyun’s lips in the past but today it felt different. Today they were only a breath away from Jongdae and their owner was very aware of that attention. For a second Baekhyun’s tongue darted out, only to lick the lower lip, and disappear back in his mouth.

“Gods in heavens…” muttered Jongdae and quickly averted his eyes. It was almost sinful to watch this from so close. He always liked this side of Baekhyun - the playful and daring one - but it was one thing to watch it and completely different to actually experience it.

Baekhyun rested his chin on Jongdae’s shoulder. He smelt like cinnamon and vanilla and Jongdae had to fight every possible urge not to turn his head and kiss him.

“Hm? You said something…?” whispered Baekhyun, the smirk audible in his question. His thumb was gently stroking the inner side of Jongdae’s wrist, sending a pleasant shivers down his spine.

“You’re evil.” Jongdae groaned.

“Maybe.” admitted Baekhyun moving away. His fingers lingered on Jongdae’s elbow a little bit longer to consider it ‘an accident’. “But you’re kinda digging that so I don’t really feel guilty about it.” He grinned widely and got up from the grass. “Come on. We should probably find our way home before it’s completely dark.”

In spite of that both of them secretly wanted to do that, they decided against walking with their fingers interlaced. Jongdae didn’t ask and Baekhyun didn’t press. Maybe for both of them it was too early to expose their dreams to the world or maybe they didn’t want to be looked at just yet.

From time to time, or rather - whenever he could, Jongdae was stealing little glimpses in Baekhyun’s general direction. He admired everything as if it was his first time seeing him - starting from the hay of chocolate hair, through the roundness of his cheeks, down his lean arms and elegant curves of his wrists. Everything in Byun Baekhyun was meant to be admired according to Kim Jongdae.

“So the thing is that I kind of want to invite you over but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.” declared Baekhyun, when they stood in front of the door to his apartment. He looked a little bit more embarrassed than the situation required.

Jongdae frowned slightly. 

“Why wouldn’t that be…  _ Oh. _ ” he gasped quietly when he realized what Baekhyun was implying. “I mean… I… We- we don’t have to…”

“It’s not that I don’t want to but…” Baekhyun flushed even more, “I want to but I don’t want to get the wrong idea of me and I kinda of planned it differently and I’m not sure if I’m ready for so many specials with you at once and-”

He was put to silence immediately as Jongdae’s finger landed on his lips.  _ They were soft. _

“You’re rambling, Baekhyun.” he said tenderly.

“I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea…” Baekhyun explained meekly as Jongdae’s hand cupped the side of his face.

“I can’t possibly think of a situation when I could think wrongly of you.” snorted Jongdae.

“Oh…” exhaled Baekhyun, averting his eyes at Jongdae’s lips which - he thought - were a tad closer than he remembered. “You have it that bad, huh?” he teased weakly.

“Maybe I’m just very polite person.” huffed Jongdae when Baekhyun’s breath tackled his nose. He honestly wasn’t sure what he was doing and if he was reading the situation correctly. But Baekhyun wasn’t pushing away and honestly Jongdae waited way too many centuries not to kiss Byun Baekhyun when he was willing and waiting.

At the end, he wasn’t sure if he was the one who leant in faster, if he was the one who ultimately connected their lips. What mattered was that they were kissing and Baekhyun’s lips were much softer then he imagined and he felt much warmer in Jongdae’s arms than he remembered. At first it was a delicate brush of lips, barely a peck but as soon as they got a taste of each other, the kiss deepened. It happened gradually, not like in all those movies that Jongdae could never relate too. Baekhyun didn’t swoon over him but he did hook his arms around Jongdae’s neck and traded his fingers through his hair. They didn’t kiss like they were starving but they did kiss like they were the best thing they tasted. Jongdae didn’t moan but he did sigh into the kiss, breaking goosebumps on Baekhyun’s skin.

The kiss was imperfect but so were they and when they finally parted, they knew that it was exactly what they expected from each other. And then they kissed again.

* * *

_ 5th May 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

**J-dae: ** _ I can’t believe you’re making me do that. _

**Bae*:** :)

**J-dae:** _ I hate you. They will figure out faster than I say ‘may I offer you a piece of cake’ _

**Bae*:** _as long as you don’t promise me a piece of your ass, they wont find out. Chan’s oblivious as shit_

**J-dae: ** _ Listen to yourself _

**J-dae: ** _ You want me to pretend that we didn’t make out in your hallway two days ago _

**J-dae:** _Because it would snatch the attention from your bday or whatever the reason is_

**Bae*:** …

**Bae*: ** _ whats exactly your point? _

**Baek*:** _ it’s a great plan _

**J-dae:** _I can’t believe we’re having a second date_

**Bae*:** _:P_

**J-dae:** _pls stop_

* * *

_ 6th May 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Jongdae wasn’t sulking. But he wasn’t _ that  _ delusional not to admit that for anyone from outside, it could look like he was sulking. He was simply taking some time for himself in Baekhyun’s room. His forehead was resting on the window and his bangs were hanging low, partly covering his eyes and… okay so yes, maybe Jongdae was sulking a little bit. Sue him.

“There you are.” smiled Baekhyun at him, slipping into the room and Jongdae couldn’t help but smile even if it was just for a little bit. His heart ached. 

“Why is my boy doing here all by himself, hm?” Baekhyun asked, sitting next to him.

Stubbornly Jongdae kept his eyes fixed at his knees. He was afraid that if he would look up at Baekhyun, he would see nothing more than blood and dirty tears. Before leaving his house Jongdae promised himself that he would do everything not to think about it. He felt pathetic having to remind himself to forget it. Even if his love changed, even if everything changed for him and Baekhyun, Jongdae still carried a burden of watching a person he loved dying such a terrible death with his own name on their lips. 

It was not Jongdae’s intention to ruin Baekhyun’s birthday. He didn’t want to look at him. He didn’t want for Baekhyun to see his sadness.

“Jongdae…” sighed Baekhyun softly and Jongdae shivered. “I want you to understand that above everything,” his fingers slipped under Jongdae’s chin and forcefully raised his head. Baekhyun’s eyes were glistening with pure fire. “You are my friend. And you can tell me if anything bothers you. Whatever it is. Do you understand?”

Jongdae nodded, still trying to avert his eyes. But Baekhyun’s grip was strong and he was having none of it. Besides Jongdae had been running away from him too many times in the past. Now he was tired of running.

“Is it the fact that I didn’t tell the others about us?” Baekhyun asked after a moment or two. “Because if that’s the case, I will gladly march up to them and kiss you senseless in front of their ugly faces.”

That actually managed to squish a chuckle from Jongdae’s throat. Still, instead of straight forward response, he simply shook his head.

“Imagine the drama…” continued Baekhyun, “We could tell that it’s your birthday present for me… Chanyeol’s eyes would probably fall out of the sockets!” he giggled, letting Jongdae’s head rest on his shoulder.

Neither of them cared if someone would notice their absence.

* * *

_ 25th June 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Time made Jongdae realize that he desperately lacked in the romance department. Turned out that watching the same thing happen over and over again was not the same as actually doing it by himself. On a daily basis, he spent hours,  _ hours _ , dreaming about what he wanted to do with Baekhyun, only to turn into an awkward idiot once they saw each other. 

“Jongdae stopped overthinking, I’m begging you.” murmured Baekhyun against his chest. “I’m trying to watch a movie here but your thoughts are so loud that I can barely focus.”

“Sorry…” cracked Jongdae and even in his own ears it didn’t sound convincing. 

Baekhyun sighed heavily and Jongdae’s heart filled up with anxiety.

_ “Oho, here it comes.”  _ he thought bitterly. He had this suspicion buried deep in his heart. He knew Baekhyun for centuries and knew what he longed for - comfort, physical affection and lots of smiles. Jongdae being his shy self could barely offer any of those. To say that he feared of Baekhyun realizing it was a misunderstanding. Losing Baekhyun once Jongdae knew how was it like to touch his, to interlace their fingers and kiss his forehead, appeared worse than death at this point.

The couch squeaked when Baekhyun twisted to look at Jongdae. He was still partially leaning against his chest, making it impossible for him to increase the distance between them.

“What is it, Jongdae? Why are you so fucking stressed very time we’re together?” Baekhyun’s eyebrows were drawn together as he eyed Jongdae suspiciously. 

“I’m not stressed… I’m just…” he stopped at a loss of words.

“Tell me, Jongdae. Come on…” plead Baekhyun, resting one of his hands on Jongdae’s cheek. "Because I swear to god, I’m losing my mind here. If physical contact makes you uncomfortable, I can stay away-”

“It’s not that”

“If it’s the fact that we meet in private bugs you, I can climb Namsan Tower and show our relationship to the world”

“No, no. It’s just-”

“And if you simply…” Baekhyun’s breath hitched, “Feel that a relationship with me isn’t really your cup of tea after all then… we can go back to how things were before.”

“Gods, please no.” whimpered Jongdae helplessly. He subtly leaned to the touch of Baekhyun’s hand on his cheek before gently taking same hand and resting it on his own chest.

“Then what is it, Jongdae. Tell me.” demanded Baekhyun.

“I just…”  _ ...don’t know how to act around you sometimes. I’ve known you for centuries and now that you’re here, it puts pressure on me. I want to make up for all the days we didn’t share. Tell you some stories of the past. Confess to you how many times I longed for you but you didn’t know. I’m shy and awkward and sometimes even scared. I don’t know if I have anything to offer for you. My life is made of paper, it can burn anytime soon, it can sink in the faintest of rains. I have no idea if that’s what you want.  _ “I can never tell if I read the atmosphere correctly and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me.”  _ Yes, much better. _

A weird emotion ran through Baekhyun’s eyes, twisting his lips down, making them soft and vulnerable in the corners. He didn’t say anything in response and Jongdae didn’t press, simply waiting. He didn’t mind sitting like this for ages - with Baekhyun’s hand on his heart. 

Finally Baekhyun broke the eye contact and looked down, letting their fingers interlace.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’ve been through, I believe that you will end up telling me one day.” he started quietly, “But no matter how your relationships looked in the past, I want you to know that I’m just me.” he looked at Jongdae again. “I’m just Baekhyun and honestly, I’m willing to take anything. You don’t have to pretend around me. If you feel like doing something, just do it. If I don’t like it, I will tell you. I’m not exactly that hard to read. Jongdae.” he stopped to take a deep breath. “For example, I want to kiss you right now and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” he finished and put his lips on Jongdae’s.

The kiss was sweet and tasted like caramelized popcorn that Baekhyun ate earlier. Or maybe it was simply an aftertaste of luscious promises that were said. It was hard to tell, it was hard to think about that while having Baekhyun so close. At first Jongdae was shy - just like with everything he did - hesitantly pressing his lips back until he cautiously tilted his head to the right, gaining a better access. Pure heat poured into his veins when Baekhyun’s tongue gently slipped across his bottom lip. Jongdae parted his lips and suddenly all the questions and doubts went straight through the window. 

They kissed before but never like that.

It felt a little bit weird but Jongdae decided that it was surely a good kind of weird. Baekhyun’s tongue was warm and kind of slippery but the way it moved and touched was absolutely mind-blowing and soon enough Jongdae was returning the favour, matching their flares. His fingers found their way to Baekhyun’s waist and, not breaking the kiss, he guided him to straddle his lap. It was intoxicating to be so close, tasting the way they smelt and feeling the rush of the blood under his fingertips. Their lips moved in perfect synchronization, parting only for a moment to draw a quick breath and crashing again, even more violently. Baekhyun’s fingers curled around the back of Jongdae’s neck and were scratching at the skin, from time to time digging too hard which ignited pure fire down their spines.

Suddenly Baekhyun broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against Jongdae’s. His eyes were shining in the way that suggested nothing but trouble.

“See? I kissed you because I felt like it” Baekhyun breathed out heavily. “Now, tell me what is that you want, Jongdae?” 

Heat was running under Jongdae’s skin and he couldn’t bring himself to care about the flush on his cheeks.

“I want you close.” whispered Jongdae. His toes curled on the floor when Baekhyun pressed his palm flat to his chest, as if he were making a point. His eyes were blazing hot and absently Jongdae wondered if the fire that burned inside of him wasn’t real.

“Better?” Baekhyun asked hoarsely.

Jongdae shook his head with a hint of a smile in his voice. He lowered his head and lied his lips on Baekhyun’s collarbone. 

“Closer.” he plead, tracing his mouth against the pulse on Baekhyun’s neck.

He could hear a ramble of laugh under his lips. 

“Kinky.” replied Baekhyun.

On any other occasions Jongdae would duck his head in embarrassment and pretend he didn’t hear that but tonight’s not the night. Baekhyun yelped in surprise when Jongdae bit the skin where neck meets with the shoulder but that sound quickly melted into a moan of pleasure.

“Holy shit…” stuttered Baekhyun. His chest was heaving over Jongdae’s. The pressure of skin on skin, even through the clothes, was unreal.

Jongdae pressed his mouth harder, hoping to be blessed with another noise. When Baekhyun keened helplessly, Jongdae thought that he liked that sound, especially when he was running his tongue over the sore spot, drawing more soft sound out of Baekhyun’s throat. The sensation of rushing pulse under his lips was tickling his ego just a little bit and he smiled against the heated skin. Apparently Baekhyun must have felt that because seconds later his fingers slipped under Jongdae’s hoodie and rested against his stomach. In contrast to his neck, the fingers were cold, making Jongdae shiver. 

“You’re evil.” he breathed out into Baekhyun’s ear, before sucking on the skin right beneath.

Baekhyun’s fingers on his stomach stilled for a moment and when they started tracing chaotic patterns again, their movements were much more incohorrent. 

“You asked me to be closer though…” whispered Baekhyun, his voice thick with heat. “I can move away if that’s what you want.”

“Don’t you dare.” laughed Jongdae, he was gone too far to even think about them as a separate being.

Baekhyun snickered, puffing hot air at Jongdae’s exposed skin, and scooted even closer, pressing himself firmly and earning a surprised, quiet moan. Jongdae shifted slightly on his spot, trying to ignore the friction, but Baekhyun’s thighs on both of his sides made it nearly impossible. Judging from Baekhyun’s smug smirk, he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Careful, Jongdae.” he whispered against his earlobe. “Two can certainly play this game.” he added and rolled his hips a little bit.

“Gods…” uttered Jongdae, trying hard to ignore the heavy feeling down his stomach.

“Just one and the name’s Baekhyun.” Baekhyun grinned before reconnecting their lips.

Kisses were growing more and more heated, chaotic and violent. Baekhyun’s fingers bashfully running against Jongdae’s stomach, making the muscles flex under the touch. The sounds they were forcing out of each other, the ever so frequent heavy breath-ins were rising temperature in the room by every minute. Jongdae was vaguely trying to figure out how could he possibly take off Baekhyun’s baby blue sweater without breaking the kiss when he heard a very loud, and very not-Baekhyun’s gasp.

“I told you that they were fucking by now.” declared someone flatly and Jongdae’s eyes snapped open. 

Now the thing that both of Baekhyun and Jongdae completely forgot was that neither of them locked the front door. The other thing that Jongdae specifically forgot was that he had earlier this year, voiced that his friends could go into his flat without knocking. Finally, Baekhyun forgot to check his phone for any new messages. 

Hence the situation.

Chanyeol’s eyes were round and big like saucers, while Sehun looked absolutely unimpressed. Jongdae groaning hid his face in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck.

“We were around and wondered if you’re free Jongdae” Sehun pointed smuggly, “Apparently you are definitely not free.”

“Fuck.” breathed Baekhyun sliding off Jongdae’s lap.

“God, don’t get up! I don’t want to see this!” screeched Kyungsoo, peaking above Sehun and Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Baekhyun looked at him blandly but flopped back, earning a muffled cry from Jongdae. Sehun chuckled mercilessly. Jongdae's face was burning and he thought that being invisible wasn’t that bad after all. 

“I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me! Both of you!”” whined Chanyeol finally. “Wait… how new is this?”

“I bet three months.” Sehun raised his hand.

“Not even whole two months, okay?” snapped Baekhyun, “Now that your curiosity has been satisfied, would you… You know leave? Because you caught us in a _ situation  _ here.”

“By all means… we don’t want to interrupt.” giggled Sehun, tugging and Chanyeol’s sleeve. “Not all of us are thirsting for air smelling like sexual tension.”

Jongdae raised his head only when he heard a loud thud of the front door. He wasn’t sure what was more ridiculous: the situation or the fact that he brought it on himself. Baekhyun’s loud laughter kind of made up for both though.

* * *

_ 13th August 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

Dating Baekhyun became easier with time. Many things were still foreign to Jongdae and he was still anxious to do most of them, especially in public, but he could feel himself loosening up every once in a while. For a couple of days he felt really bad for not telling any of his friends about the relationship earlier but after Chanyeol solemnly promised Baekhyun and him that he would gladly be the best man for both of them, Jongdae felt much better.

Slowly, he started realizing how different this world was in terms of accepting love. Surely, some people still frowned upon the relationship between two men but it wasn’t as bad as in the previous centuries. It was very comforting thought. 

That’s why, despite racing heart, he carely hooked his little finger over Baekhyun’s when they stopped in front of another artifacts displayed in the museum. He could almost feel Chanyeol excited gasp at his neck and Sehun’s pleased face expression but all that mattered was that small sparkle in Baekhyun’s eyes. 

“So what’s this exactly?” Han asked, rolling his eyes at his friends antics.

“Metal straws.” blurted Baekhyun, “They cared about planet before we did.”

“Idiot.” replied Han stubbornly.

Kyungsoo leaned forward, squinting his eyes at the information attached.

“It says that those are smoking-pipes.” he declared after a moment. 

Jongdae simply nodded his head before glancing at Chanyeol. For some reason he used to smoke a lot a long, long time ago. Jongdae almost forgot that. The memory didn’t bother him. It was almost funny to dig out the sight of Chanyeol’s fogged with tears eyes. Now he sometimes looked like that when Kyungsoo was scolding him. 

“And how exactly did they use them?” Sehun asked moving a little bit closer. 

“Well they…” started Kyungsoo before looking back at the note. “It actually doesn’t say.”

“They don’t say because it was simple.” shrugged Jongdae, not paying much attention to what he was saying, “You take whatever you have access to really and grind the leaf, then you have to dry it in the sun and basically you are done? I mean, all of you know how to stuff a pipe, right?” he chuckled before tugging on Baekhyun’s finger. “Let’s go further, I bet they have more interesting things here.”

It was hard to explain how Jongdae felt walking through rooms filled with antiques. To him it seemed that most of them had just been invented. He remembered the day when Baekhyun with sparks in his eyes unwrapped the beautiful Chinese pottery and the year when the coins changed their shapes. Reading about these things in books was strange enough, but seeing them behind glass was even more odd. 

Museums were like a candy shops for Kim Jongdae. If only he could, he would touch everything, drunk with fondness and passionately curious. He had seen all of these things in the past but he could never touch them, use them, feel them. His fingers were twitching from time to time whenever something caught his attention or whenever something woke up long-lost memory. 

“Look at this ink stick case!” he said excitedly in a hushed voice, pushing Baekhyun closer to the display. “It’s so nicely made, I swear to god, those things weren’t cheap at all! Especially if you wanted to make it personalized.”

Baekhyun smiled softly at Jongdae, affection pouring out of his eyes, straight into the ink case.

“Personalized?” he hummed, quietly encouraging Jongdae to keep talking.

“Personalized! Meaning that you could get your name beautifully carved into the case.” explained Jongdae, “And believe me, there was nothing more beautiful that you could get for your family or friends or… other important people in your life... than something like that.” he finished a little bit hesitantly.

Innocently Baekhyun fluttered his eyelashes, carefully slipping his hand into Jongdae’s.

“So technically you could court someone with an ink case?” he asked playfully, winking.

Jongdae didn’t even try to fight the blush that bloomed on his cheeks. Long time ago, he dreamed of giving Baekhyun one of those as a totem of his loyalty. Jongdae was a ghost and a fool back then. He couldn’t even call that feeling what it was. 

“Technically you could…” he mumbled in general direction of his own feet. “It would certainly be well-appreciated.”

The laughter that filled his ears seconds later was kind of worth the embarrassment. 

“You’re adorable when you’re frustrated.” Baekhyun said with certainty. “Let’s go. I think we lost the rest of our group. Though I suspect they don’t miss us that much.”

* * *

_ 3rd October 2018, _

_ Daegu, South Korea _

“And then I said that they could as well go to hell!” fumed Jongdae angrily, “Seriously, I don’t understand how someone would be that rude! That poor girl was simply doing her job! If she works there then it means that she knows what she’s doing.” he rambled anxiously playing with the hem of his hoodie. Baekhyun’s fingers traced a soothing patterns on the top of Jongdae’s hand.

“People are like that Jongdae. You can’t help that” he sighed helplessly and looked at the ocean in front of him.

Waves were fiercely crashing against the shore, sending cold drops of water on the beach. Even though it wasn’t raining yet, the dark clouds hanging above the water, hinted that the storm was only a matter of time. Jongdae took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun.” he said finally, leaning his head on the arm resting on the table. “I keep trashing about everything but it’s only because this weekend was supposed to be perfect but it’s nothing like it.” he whined bitterly. “The weather sucks, people are really mean for some reason and the amusement park - of course - breaks down exactly when we are about to head there. You deserve better, I swear…” he nodded firmly. 

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.” Baekhyun sighed and raised from his seat startling Jongdae.

“Wait what…” asked Jongdae lost in his own thoughts. Only the feeling of Baekhyun’s fingers slip across his skin, leaving a cold trail. He stood up abruptly, horror filling his eyes. His hands clenched helplessly on the air. “No, no. Wait. Don’t go! I’m sorry you don’t have to leave!” 

Surprise on Baekhyun’s face quickly flickered into mortified understanding. Before Jongdae uttered anything more, he was pulled into a tight hugs in the middle of the cafe where they were standing.

“Idiot.” muttered Baekhyun. “Don’t panic. I wanted to ask if you fancied a walk down the beach before the sky above us breaks.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought…”

“I don’t even want to think what you thought.” cut Baekhyun quickly. “I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want you to think about it, understood?” he gently shook Jongdae’s arms and looked him in the eyes.

“Yes.” Jongdae nodded lightly.

“Good. Now get outside and let me pay for once.” Baekhyun smiled gently, “Let me treat my boyfriend at least once during our six-month-anniversary.” 

The scent of salted water and cold wind, tackled Jongdae’s nose once he walked outside the cafe. Despite the fairly early hour, there were hardly any people on the streets. Jongdae shivered. Everything around him was grey and colourless - the sky, the water, the pebbles on the beach and the asphalt on the street. Even Jongdae himself felt grey. Grey and cold. 

He didn’t like admitting that but low temperature bothered him a little bit. Especially when he was all alone. It reminded him too much of the days that he spent in complete silence, longing for the life he couldn’t have. Back then he thought that time was rolling incredibly slowly - now it was slipping through his fingers. Back then the days were mostly grey, because even if he smiled - he smiled mostly to himself - now he could share those moments with others.

Past wasn’t something Kim Jongdae regretted deeply. Apparently he had to live through it and he did - not that he was ever given a choice. 

With a corner of his eye he noticed a man rushing down the street. His hair was dyed and, despite being ruffled by the wind, still reminded neatly tucked behind the ears. The eyes hidden behind thick glasses flickered in Jongdae’s direction, sending a shiver down his spine.

“Oh my god…” whispered Jongdae when the man turned away his gaze, completely uninterested. 

He knew this face. He had seen it in the past, before it was covered with wrinkles and before the frown between two eyebrows, became a permanent thing. 

“Jun…” Jongdae uttered soundlessly, unable to tear his eyes from the wandering man. The first drops of rain hit his shoulders. “Kim Junmyeon. Jun.” he repeated equally quietly but more firmly. 

Junmyeon turned around suddenly and looked over his shoulder. Their eyes met again. Jongdae knew that he was too far to hear the name but something in his soul roared that Junmyeon knew exactly what he said. There was a flicker of surprise painted in his eyes. It was the first time Junmyeon looked Jongdae in the eyes. Seconds later he disappeared in the narrow alley.

_ It made perfect sense. Junmyeon must have been over forty now and he had always planned on moving to Korea once he graduated.  _

The street felt even more empty now.

Unwillingly, Jongdae’s hand clenched the hoodie above his heart. Every inch of his body was trembling with shock and surprise.  _ “Gods, if Baekhyun was with me and Jun would see him…” _ thought Jongdae hazily. After all, he wasn’t a problem - he was never really there. It was Baekhyun. Baek. Baeks. For Junmyeon he was dead.

The door opened, letting a wave of warmth on the street.

“All paid.” sing-sang Baekhyun, leaning his head on Jongdae’s shoulder. “Are we ready to go?”

Jongdae swallowed the truth, lying heavily on his tongue.

“Yeah… Let’s go before the rain catches on us.” he replied and started walking in the opposite direction. He couldn’t risk running into Junmyeon.

The worst thing was that in fact Jongdae didn’t know how many ghosts of the past were hiding in the shadows, waiting for his mistake. His thumb anxiously caressed the inside of Baekhyun’s palm. He could hide from Jun and from vague information in history books but the truth was that it was Kim Jongdae who was the main ghost. The past was living within him and every day he felt it clenching to his throat.

It was a burden too heavy to carry alone.

* * *

_ 23rd December 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

It was probably a bad idea from the beginning but it somehow slipped Jongdae’s attention. It might have had something to do with the way Baekhyun’s lips were pressed against his flushed skin. It might have had something to do with the way Jongdae’s breath hitched when Baekhyun was sucking a hickey above his hip bone. But maybe all of it had happened without Baekhyun’s wicked ways.

Nonetheless Jongdae was throwing early Christmas party because apparently Christmas parties were a thing and he was missing out a lot if he have never taken part in one. Therefore it was only fair for his first party in his own house. To Jongdae it seemed a little bit unfair but Baekhyun promised to stay over and help him with cleaning and who was Jongdae to refuse letting Baehyun stay over.

Now Jongdae was slowly starting to regret his life choices.

He didn’t invite many people. Only his closest friends. There was of course Baekhyun who currently plastered to the wind, waiting for the snow to fall. Next to him Kyungsoo was trying to explain that the weather forecast clearly said that there would be no snow today. Chanyeol was spanned across the couch, playing cards with Sehun and Han (Han was winning and he was totally cheating too). Yifan seemed completely engaged with the cheesy christmas song that was being played on the radio. Overall - life was good and Jongdae wasn’t even that drunk.

The music was swirling in his ears and he thought that he felt nice. Maybe if he was a little bit more cheesy, he would even made a toast. He pushed the idea to the corner of his brain. He definitely wasn’t that cheesy. 

Finally, with resignation on his features, Baekhyun back away from the window. 

“Okay, gang I think we should leave.” Kyungsoo clapped his hands suddenly, startling half of the people gathered in the room. “Let’s give some space to the lovebirds because Baekhyun had been sighing for almost an hour now. And I presume it’s not because of the lack of snow.” he looked meaningfully at Jongdae.

Baekhyun didn’t even have enough decency to deny this accusation.

The house was far from being clean but frankly Jongdae was too tired to care. Once he bid the last goodbye with Sehun who wished him “absolutely not peaceful night”, everything went silent. The last echoes of the conversations and jokes were slowly getting swallowed by the walls of the apartment but the coziness was still coating the furniture. Jongdae slowly strolled to the window and hugged Baekhyun from behind, earning a surprised yelp. He pressed his cheek between Baekhyun’s shoulders, letting his lungs fill with the smell of cinnamon, vanilla and a hint of soju. The mixture smelt like home more than the walls they were currently trapped in.

Jongdae thought that he would never get tired of the way Baekhyun’s muscles relaxed under his touch. He could almost feel the tension evaporate under the soft sweater. He could almost taste the ease tingling to his skin.

“I wish we could spend Christmas together.” murmured Baekhyun, tilting his head a little bit. Jongdae instantly pressed a butterfly kiss on the soft neck.

“Me too… But you booked tickets long time ago…” he replied quietly. “I know you’re going to have fun with your family.”

“You could go with me as my emotional support!” proposed Baekhyun. 

Jongdae’s laughed into his neck quietly. “Both of us know that it's a terrible idea.”

Baekhyun hummed in agreement and rested his head against Jongdae’s. They could barely feel the cold, coming from the window. Everything around them was thick with warmth. The last drops of alcohol were pleasantly buzzing through their blood.

“I was thinking… that maybe when I’m back, after in the New Year, you could possibly…” Baekhyun bit his lips hesitantly, “Meet my parents maybe…”

Jongdae froze momently and his face paled in a matter of seconds. The gears in his head was spinning with difficulty, retareded with shock.

“I mean, of course, you don’t have to!” rushed Baekhyun and turned around, feeling his boyfriend’s discomfort. “It was just a silly idea! We can totally do it in a few months or a few years or…”

“It’s not that I don’t want to.” squeaked Jongdae quietly. “I just… I thought that your parents weren’t the most… accepting. Especially your father...” he added quickly. 

“Well, he has to suck it up.” replied Baekhyun cheerfully, pretending that his smile didn’t flutter. For a split of a second an emotion, something unknown, flickered through his eyes. Muscles tensed around the corners of his lips and Jongdae instantly felt like leaning in and kissing this tension away. But before he could do that a long finger landed on his mouth. Baekhyun’s eyes glowed with determination. 

“Frankly, I don’t care what my dad says about us.” he snarled and the confidence in his voice was enough to shut Jongdae up. “I don’t think I ever loved anyone more than you so really if he doesn’t like you it’s his loss.”

The last sentence was voiced much louder than all the previous ones, cutting through the air like a knife. It was sharp - the way those words were said but they melted around Jongdae’s heart like a strawberry popsicle. Pure, pink sugar replaced blood in his veins and his brain turned into rose jelly. Every line, every detail in his eyes became blurry and smudged. Vaguely he registered that his chest felt too small all of sudden.

Baekhyun’s hands that were holding his arms, slipped down slowly. Jongdae barely registered the tackle on his skin when long fingers brushed his palms. 

“But that’s okay if you don’t feel the same way…” came muffled like through a glass. Soft edges of this implication carefully poked Jongdae’s heart, pushing him away from the edge.

He blinked away the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and looked at Baekhyun in front of him. And a miserable sight it was.

Baekhyun was trembling. Not badly but still visibly. His knuckles partly hidden under the sweater had turned white. His chin was clearly trembling even though his head was ducked down. Even the small curl on the top of his head seemed to be wavering. 

“Oh god, Baekhyun…” tried Jongdae. His head was racing and the world started spinning around him even more.

“No.” cut Baekhyun sharply, “If you don’t feel like it, I don’t want you to say it back.” he raised his gaze. The hurt had melted into the warm chocolate colour of his eyes. “In fact, I’d rather not hear it at all right now.”

_ One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. _

Jongdae’s heart was about to explode.

“Okay…”  _ but I love you too. _

“Good.” huffed Baekhyun. His fingers stretched out, peeking beneath the sweater-paws. 

_ Three heartbeats. Four heartbeats. _

Jongdae was absolutely terrified.

“You can kiss me now because I feel absolutely sick.” Baekhyun declared as if he were announcing a royal order, not admitting to being hurt. It certainly felt like order to Jongdae when he gently placed his lips over Baekhyun’s.

No matter how many times they kissed, it always tasted equally sweet. Sometimes it was pineapple’s sweetness - sugar with a pinch of a sour bite. Sometimes it was sweet like chocolate candy - melting down their throats. Sometimes it was sweet like mango with chili - refreshing and hot. Today the kiss was equally sweet and salty.

Baekhyun’s cheeks were warm, carefully cradled between Jongdae’s hands. It might have because of alcohol, affection or anger and bitter disappointed. Perhaps a mixture of all of them. Jongdae broke the kiss.

“Baekhyun, you don’t understand…” he started while drawing air into his lungs. “It’s not that I don’t-”

Before he could finish, Baekhyun smashed their kiss together again and tugged Jongdae closer, hand twisting the front of his shirt. The grip was demanding and unforgiving. Jongdae couldn’t escape even if he tried. But he didn’t even think of running away. Jongdae weakly rested his hand on the back of Baekhyun’s head, running his fingers through soft strands. Baekhyun gently bit Jongdae’s lower lip before resting their foreheads together.

“I know, baby…” whispered Baekhyun breathlessly. His eyes were still sad. “I am completely aware how you feel but if you couldn’t say it right away it means that you’re not ready.” he explained hastily. “I understand that but you must understand why it hurt me anyway.”

Words stung painfully but Jongdae nodded anyway. Baekhyun was right. Jongdae couldn’t hold it against him. The only person to blame was himself and the fact that centuries of useless pining turned him into someone who could barely articulate his emotions. 

But apparently a nod was enough to Baekhyun to keep the fire in his eyes burning. He crashed their lips again and his fingers started playing with the first button of Jongdae’s shirt.

This time the kiss tasted bitter-sweet.

* * *

_ 29th December 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“You are dumb.” provided Sehun helpfully.

“I’m ashamed to admit that but Sehun is absolutely right.” agreed Kyungsoo. 

“I didn’t call for you to state the obvious for me.” groaned Jongdae, flopping on the couch.

“Which brings us to The Big Question. Why exactly did you call us?” asked Sehun, shoveling a bunch of gummy bears into his mouth.

“Because Chanyeol’s in Japan.” smiled Jongdae weakly.

“Not what I meant, sweetheart, but nice try on being witty.” said Sehun and raised his hand for Kyungsoo to high-five him. He was indeed high-fived.

The truth was that Jongdae had been feeling miserable since the 24th of December when the front door closed behind Baekhyun. The intensity of the emotion was so high, that Jongdae was almost sure that he could actually put it into jars and start selling it. But who would want to buy a jar of fresh misery? That’s why he called for Sehun and Kyungsoo. He wanted to give them those jars for free, hoping that it would make him feel better. Honestly he could have expected that they would roast him mercilessly.

Kyungsoo sighed heavily. “I’m sorry Jongdae but I really have trouble understanding you. It’s clear as a tear that you love Baekhyun, you even openly admit that to us but you weren’t able to say it back to him.”

Muffling something incoherent into a pillow Jongdae nodded.

“What's exactly your problem, man?” Sehun asked, while looking through the shelves in search of another pack of gummy bears.

“It’s just…” Jongdae prompted on his elbows to look up, “I’m afraid that the way we feel towards each other is different.”

It was hard to explain it in any other way anyway. Sehun stilled and Kyungsoo raised his eyebrow. That clearly wasn’t a response both of them expected. Jongdae raised his head a little bit, slightly intimidated by the lack of reaction.

“What you mean is that you fear that he doesn’t love you the way you love him?” said Kyungsoo seriously. 

The question plunged deeply into Jongdae’s heart. He prompted on forearm and took a sip of water that suddenly turned icely cold. He was scared of forming what Kyungsoo said in his head. He was still afraid of admitting it through-outly. Jongdae knew how it sounded. It sounded like he didn’t trust Baekhyun. But it wasn’t the case. He would trust Baekhyun with his life but he had seen so many past relationships literally slipping into oblivion. Too many “i love you”s that turned out to mean nothing. 

“Maybe…” Jongdae replied weakly. 

“Well, that’s just bull’s eye.” groaned Sehun. “I might be biased but I’m pretty sure that Baekhyun fell into you as soon as he saw you.”

“You weren’t even there.” pointed Kyungsoo rolling his eyes. “But Sehun has a point. Since that day we met you in the library, Baekhyun had been mentioning you nonstop. It was insane! I seriously never believed in that ‘love at first sight’ crap until I saw Baekhyun pining after you.”

Sehun opened a bag of chips. Apparently all the gummy bears had already been eaten. Obnoxious munching filled the room. Jongdae temporarily didn’t think of the mess that Sehun would surely leave. He could make crumbs out of anything. It was a miracle that Han still hadn’t kicked him out.

“So what do you suggest?” Jongdae asked finally.

“Confess immediately like you should in the first place.” replied Sehun instantly.

“Baekhyun’s visiting family now.” reminded Kyungsoo. “Immediately isn’t really possible here.”

Jongdae hummed thoughtfully. Sehun and Kyungsoo made it sound so easy. And maybe that was the problem. Maybe he just lost a proper perspective on the matter. 

“Can I ask a probably insensitive question?” asked Sehun suddenly.

“I’m afraid we can regret it.” Kyungsoo frowned.

“You personally won’t. It’s a question precisely for Jongdae.” he eyed said man with curiosity. Jongdae bit his lip but gave him a quick nod. Sehun’s features softened and when he cleared his throat he sounded much more gentle, “Did you ever tell your previous boyfriend that you loved him?”

Atmosphere hung low above their heads as the questions waved through the air. Kyungsoo gasped quietly, instantly looking at Jongdae. The traces of previous cheerfulness were nowhere to be found. Someone on the opposite side of the street turned on the lights in their apartment. Despite the distance, the place seemed more lively than Jongdae’s own house. He exhaled loudly, praying to the gods that his voice wouldn’t break. 

“No. We’ve never said that to each other.” he said, trying to sound unaffected.

“Do you regret it?” pressed Sehun.

Jongdae whined quietly.

“Do you regret it, Kim Jongdae?” Sehun repeated.

_ Loud bang, crash, blood, wet shirt and erratic breathing.  _

“...” 

_ Did Jongdae regret it? _

“Jongdae?”

He blinked away the memory unfolding in front of his eyes.

“There was no right time to confess.” Jongdae confined finally, looking at his knuckles. Words tasted like poison on his tongue. Bitter and killer. “Besides… What we had wasn’t real, I think.”

“Did you love him?” 

“Yes.” he didn’t even have to give the answer much thought. He  _ always  _ loved Baekhyun.

“Did he love you?” 

Jongdae almost laughed. “I’ve been told so.”

“Then how is this any different from what you and Baekhyun had now?” asked Kyungsoo who was silent until now.

“It’s plenty different.” 

“Is it?” Kyungsoo arched his eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that, Jongdae. You’re the only one who knows the answer,” he sighed, “But if you can’t give yourself a good reason against confessing besides the fact that you're not sure about how Baekhyun feels, then I suggest you stop chickening out. Because he sure does love you a lot.”

“I rest my case.” declared Sehun dryly.

* * *

_ 30th December 2018, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

**J-dae: ** _ Don’t freak out… _

**Bae*: ** _ Jongdae what did you do? _

**J-dae: ** _ In my defence I can tell that it was not in the right place _

**J-dae:** _Don’t be mad_

**J-dae: ** _ Oh gods, I should have asked _

**Bae*:** _I can literally feel your anxiety from here_

**Bae*: ** _ what did you do? _

**J-dae:** _Could you pick me up from the train station in Bucheon at 4pm?_

_ *Bae* is typing* _

_ *Bae* is typing* _

_ *Bae* is typing* _

**Bae*: ** _ of course _

* * *

_ 30th December 2018, _

_ Bucheon, South Korea _

Sky was almost completely covered with heavy, dark clouds. Optimists would have hoped for snowfall before New Year’s Eve but Jongdae wasn’t one of them. He regretted not taking an umbrella. 

He slept zero to none this night, thrashing around his bed and rethinking his decision. All signs proved that in fact Sehun and Kyungsoo were right. The only thing stopping him from actually making Baekhyun happy and saying that he loved him out loud was Jongdae himself. His life-choices had led him to this moment, when he finally had Baekhyun right next to himself. It was idiotic of him to try to escape the feelings when they were what made him an actual person. 

It only took him a few centuries to realize that. 

Jongdae looked down at the watch on his wrist. Baekhyun was late. That was unless he hadn’t changed his mind. Sure, they didn’t argue or anything but it was clear that Baekhyun was hurt. Honestly Jongdae was lucky that they were still talking.

“Idiot. Why didn’t you say it back?” he chided himself quietly.

It was 4:30pm and Jongdae was starting to seriously worry. In worse case scenario he could go home with the next train to Seoul. He didn’t take much with himself anyway. In fact, he only had his wallet and phone which conveniently had to run out of battery. So it was possible that Baekhyun texted him that he would be late but Jongdae just didn’t know.

After a couple of minutes of waiting in the cold, he decided that his best option was to find a cafe, charge his phone a little bit and then decide what to do. Sighing, he put his hands into the pockets of his jacket and left the station. Streets were fairly busy. Well - as busy as streets in Bucheon could be - guessed Jongdae, walking through the zebra crossing. He didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings, keeping his head ducked down and eyes fixed on his shoes. His main concern was how exactly should he react once he saw Baekhyun. Yell at the top of his lungs? Hug him so tightly that his strength would erase his memory? Drop dead and beg to accept his love from the grave?

Suddenly red light tinted the grey cobblestones, occasionally changing into shades of blue. Jongdae raised his head. An ambulance. He didn’t hear it earlier. It was standing right in front of him, on the other end of the street, next to two cars that apparently collided. Few meters further, parked a police car.

It took a moment until he noticed the details of the car. Silver Honda Civic with colorful stickers of the bumper. One of them said, “if you can read this - you are too close.'' Jongdae knew because he was the one who put it there. Currently it remained more of a colorful mush than a sticker.

Baekhyun’s car. 

If Jongdae was carrying anything, he would drop it on the spot to let go of the additional burden. But this morning he left in a rush, anxious but excited, ready to properly declare his undying love for the love of his life and death.

His mouthed a name, followed by a nickname, all types of petnames that he used to describe Baekhyun all over the centuries. And he spurted forward.

“Oh god, please not again, not again. I can’t have him dying like that again. Not again, not again.” thoughts were swirling in his head and he was positive that they were so loud, everybody around could hear him.

It didn’t take him long to reach the scene but by the time he arrived he was completely sweaty and the blood in his veins was running cold. If he ever thought that his flashbacks were bad in the past, they were nothing compared to what he felt at that moment. All the logic was pushed back, because all he saw in his head was cold asphalt and hot blood.

Blind with panic and deaf with terror, he didn’t even notice the police officer in front of him, until strong hands gripped him by his shoulders.

“Excuse me, mister, but you can’t go further.” the man said firmly, digging his thumbs below Jongdae’s collarbones.

Jongdae looked at him, barely seeing the face of the policeman. 

“But-” he hiccupped,  _ bang, clash, wet shirts, Chen _ “I have to, I-”

“Jongdae?” this voice came from afar but it was warm and painfully familiar. It was Jongdae’s favourite sound, that made his name sound like a plea, confession and something to treasure. Jongdae blinked away the hot tears.

“Baekhyun.” he said breathy, launching himself forward. 

He could feel that Baekhyun was shocked when Jongdae literally threw himself at him. The thermal blanket was rusting under Jongdae’s touch but he couldn’t care less. Baekhyun  _ was here, he was standing, he seemed healthy and unharmed _ and that’s all that mattered. Jongdae’s fingers involuntarily clenched at the blanket, as if to make sure that Baekhyun wouldn’t slip away from him. Wouldn’t ran away. Wouldn’t disappear.

“Not again. Gods. Please.” sobbed Jongdae mindlessly. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes again, hiding his face in the blanket.

Someone - Baekhyun - was gently running their fingers along his spine in a soothing manner, as if it was Jongdae who suffered from the crash. 

“Don’t cry, Jongdae… I’m okay, right?” whispered Baekhyun quietly, subtly shaking his boyfriend. Slowly, pushed Jongdae’s head off his shoulder and captured the trembling chin with his fingers, lifting it upwards. “Come on, Jongdae… Open your eyes, dear.”

Jongdae shook his head stubbornly. The tears were running from the corners of his eyes. From that close, Baekhyun could see how wet with tears Jongdae’s eyelashes were. 

“Don’t be a child, Jongdae…” Baekhyun cooed despite the lump in his throat, “Open your eyes for me, love…”

“I don’t think I can… God… I thought I lost you.” whispered Jongdae, clinging closer. He let himself being rocked back and forward for a moment before parting his lips again, “What if… What if… I lost you again in the same way... I can’t stop thinking about this. Fuck.” the last word was said with so much poison that Baekhyun flinched. 

Jongdae’s eyes fluttered. His irises where much lighter than Baekhyun remembered. It looked like a part of his vision was looking at something else. Something that was beyond Baekhyun. That part resonated with fear.

“Baekhyun.” said Jongdae sharply, rapidly blinking his eyes. The haziness disappeared. “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.” 

“I don’t think it’s the right moment to-”

“No,” Jongdae cut instantly. His eyebrows were furrowed and Baekhyun thought that he had never seen him this serious. “No, this is a perfect moment. You don’t know when or how… I just… I never actually said that to you.” the words were rolling off his tongue, smoothly like honey runs down a silver spoon. “I knew that I loved you but I never told you that.” he took a deep breathe-in. “Byun Baekhyun, I love you more than anything in this world. And that’s the only thing I’m sure in life.”

* * *

_ 4th January 2019, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

It was rare for Baekhyun to be so quiet which was the first thing that alerted Jongdae. As if that wasn’t enough, he repeatedly caught Baekhyun staring at him over the past few days. After leaving the accident’s scene and filling up the documents, Baekhyun invited Jongdae to spend the New Year with his family. At first he refused, but at the end, yielded to the proposition that sounded more like an order than a suggestion. And Jongdae had to admit - the couple of days they spent in Bucheon, were actually pretty pleasant, despite the vicious look Baekhyun’s father was throwing at him.

Everything was almost heavenly until, on their way back to Seoul, Baekhyun declared that instead of heading home, he wanted to go to Jongdae’s. 

The big black hole that had been sitting in Jongdae’s stomach for the past few days, actually deepened. He didn’t think it was possible but it felt as if it was ready to swallow him whole from inside. He would describe that feeling as “reasonably nerve-wracking”.

Baekhyun dropped his luggage as soon as he walked through the door. Jongdae wasn’t sure if the loud ‘ _ thud _ ’ was made by the bag or his heart that dropped at the same moment.

“I have questions.” stated Baekhyun levelly, tip-toeing his shoes and skipping further into the room. If it wasn’t for the tone he used, one would have thought that he was in a great mood.

Jongdae watched the scene unfold for a couple of seconds. He had a hunch on what Baekhyun wanted to talk about. If there was one thing that was good in Jongdae it was his memory. Right now he wished he didn’t, just to be oblivious for a minute or two longer.

“Okay…” he heaved finally, carefully sitting in the corner of his own couch. Baekhyun’s eyes were digging holes in his body and Jongdae never craved to be smaller than at this exact moment. “So you had questions?”

Baekhyun drummed his fingers against the backseat of the couch. The sound, normally barely audible, filled the silence between them like a squishy sponge.

“You look miserable.” sighed Baekhyun finally, startling Jongdae. “You look like I was about to break up with you or something.”

“Well are you going to?” Jongdae asked in a small voice, carefully peeking at his boyfriend behind the curly bangs.

“What? No. Of course, no.” Baekhyun almost laughed. “I love you”  _ again this words _ “and you said you love me too, so I think we can nicely figure everything out but we need to actually talk about some… stuff.”

Jongdae relaxed a little bit on the couch. He felt a little bit safer. He wasn’t good at talking but Baekhyun knew that. He wouldn’t judge his chaotic explanations. Besides Jongdae had a feeling about what exactly Baekhyun wanted to talk about, which gave him at least a little bit more time to prepare himself.

“And by “stuff” you mean…?”

“Things you’ve said a couple of days ago.” clarified Baekhyun, prompting his elbow on the knee. Jongdae knew that pose. It was ‘I’m more curious than mad’ pose. One of Baekhyun’s all-time trademarks.

He exhaled loudly and matched Baekhyun’s position. Jongdae sure as hell didn’t feel confident but an impression was always important. “Okay. Let’s talk then.”

Baekhyun raised his hand for Jongdae to high-five, letting a victorious smirk pull up corners of his lips. Jongdae didn’t even hesitate to high-five.

“That’s the spirit!” cheered Baekhyun jokingly. Jongdae knew that the purpose of this act was to make him feel more relaxed, but decided against calling that out. 

“So, Kim Jongdae.” Baekhyun cleared his throat and rested his chin on his hand. “By no means, I don’t want to mock you, but god damn it, you did shock me a little bit by saying that you… How did it go? Oh yes. “What if… you lost me again in the same way”. Because, don’t get me wrong - I don’t want to lose you either - but I don’t remember _ you _ losing  _ me _ . At all. At any point of my life.”

_ There it was. _

Jongdae clenched his jaw a little bit, prodding his teeth into lower lip. His gaze automatically slipped down. For a moment he was scared that Baekhyun would, once again, grip on his chin and life it upwards. It didn’t happen. Jongdae tried calming down his heartbeat at least a tad, before forming an answer. He had two options: he could lie - perfect and sweetly-sounding - but he could also offer a truth - unbelievable and pathetic. Now that he was thinking of it - it was hardly a choice.

“Shit.” cursed Baekhyun suddenly, “Has ‘losing me’ referred to the fact that I left in such a hurry on 24th? Because if it’s that then I swear to god, Jongdae, I didn’t-”

Warm hand was placed on Baekhyun’s mouth, carefully pressing lips together. Blinking heavily Jongdae looked at Baekhyun behind half-closed eyelids. If his hand didn’t stop Baekhyun from talking, the look in his eyes certainly would. The pupils were dilated to the point that the soft browns of Jongdae’s irises were almost completely covered with the hooded black. Eyelashes that usually fluttered nervously, now were deliberately half-covering the eyes, as if they were trying to protect Baekhyun from all the darkness hidden inside. Jongdae was very aware of what he was doing. He had centuries to learn how to achieve certain effects with his unphysical body. Right now he was giving Baekhyun the last chance to turn and go away. Last chance for Baekhyun to chose the lie that Jongdae had on the tip of his tongue.

But Baekhyun didn’t escape the piercing gaze. He didn’t flinch nor did his features crumbled. He didn’t know that yet but at that moment, he was looking past in the face.

Jongdae took a deep breath in. The air smelt like cinnamon, vanilla and lotus flower.

“Let’s start from the beginning then…” he said softly, “How much do you know about the day you were born?”

Baekhyun frowned. He didn’t even try to hide his surprise but one look at Jongdae was enough for him to know that he was serious.

“I’m not sure what you’re asking about…” he pondered, “I’m pretty sure that I was born in the afternoon.”

Letting his eyes crinkle, Jongdae smiled tenderly.

“That’s right,” agreed Jongdae. His ribs were hurting from how violently heart was pounding against the ribcage. Carefully, he opened the drawer on the back of his mind, releasing the colorful memories out. “You were born at 6:34 in the afternoon in the local hospital in Bucheon. You were so tiny and honestly? You didn’t do anything wrong at all.” he laughed quietly. “But I was mad with sadness and grief and the first thing I said to you was that you were a cheap imitation.” 

“I don’t understand-”

“Of course that you don’t! You can’t possibly remember any of this, am I right?” Jongdae’s eyes were shining brightfully, “But then, I guess it’s still more real to you than for example 1985, right? Does maybe name ‘Yixing’ rings a bell to you? Do you know Taeyeon, I haven’t seen her in centuries? It’s really a pity that you don’t remember. I just-”

He stopped abruptly, shivering a little bit. His eyes closed slowly and opened in a slow-motion, followed by a deep inhale. His eyes met Baekhyun’s ones filled with confusion and something that looked terrifyingly close to fear and rejection. Without breaking the eye-contact, Jongdae’s hand delicately rested on Baekhyun’s knee.

“I wish I could do this in any other way, Baekhyunnie,” he murmured, looking away, “But no matter how I start my story it always sounds ridiculous. And fake. And unrealistic.”

“Maybe you should start from the beginning then?” Baekhyun’s thumb caressed Jongdae’s chin. Despite the worry in his eyes, he was smiling.

Ripped of humor laugh escaped Jongdae’s parted lips. “I’m not sure if beginning makes it any better.” 

Baekhyun wiggled his eyebrows.

“Try me.” he said, phrasing it as if it was a challenge. 

Jongdae looked down again. For a moment, he focused solely on playing with Baekhyun’s long fingers. Ever since he could remember, he liked to imagine what it was like to hold them in his hands. Now he knew - when he had Baekhyun’s hand in his, he didn’t want to ever let it go. The grip tightened. 

“Yeah, okay…” Jongdae nodded finally. “We can start from the beginning.” 

It was enough to make Baekhyun scoot closer and it was enough to ignite the spark of curiosity in his eyes. Jongdae thought that they looked lost and innocent, glistering under the heavy layers of worry, but it was still a good beginning.

“I remember the day we met like it was yesterday…” Jongdae started hesitantly.

“At the library?” provided Baekhyun but Jongdae only shook his head.

“No. Much, much earlier. It was… It was the year  1387\. The very same year I died. You may not remember that but you read about that a while ago.” Jongdae reminded, trying to ignore the way his voice was trembling. “Kims of Gaegyeong? Kim Jongdae? You read about that in a history book for Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened comically. 

“I was reading about that when we met in the library!” he gasped.

“Yes and no. You were reading about that when I appeared in the library,” Jongdae tilted his head, as if it would help him refresh his memory. “One moment I was still… dead and the next you were all looking at me and I could… I could touch things… I could speak and you would hear that… I could leave you for the first time in centuries.”

“You ran.” reminded Baekhyun, visibly lost. 

“I did. I ran away because you could see me and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it.” Jongdae exhaled thickly, “The last time you saw me you were five or six years old and still… that was centuries ago. I went through quite a shock.”

“I… I still don’t understand…” said Baekhyun, a little bit shyly, a little bit bitterly.

Jongdae watched him for a moment, trying to plan his next move, rethink his next question, redesign his plan. 

“Baekhyun, do you believe in reincarnation?” he asked, startling the other. But before Baekhyun could reply, another question rolled down Jongdae’s tongue, “Or even better… Do you believe in ghosts?”

* * *

Once Jongdae finished his story, Baekhyun’s head dropped on the backrest. He covered his face with an arm and bit his lips. Hard. So hard that despite the shadow over Baekhyun’s face, Jongdae saw the drop of blood prickling under the teeth. 

“Baekhyun?” he asked softly. “Are you okay?” he added after a couple of minutes, receiving no response. Baekhyun flinched a little bit.

“What? Yeah, I just… fuck. That’s a lot to take at once.” he muttered finally, letting his arm slowly slip down his hand and revealing furrowed eyebrows and lips pressed into a thin line.

“Well,” -  _ there it goes - _ “Do you believe me?” Jongdae asked and in his own ears it sounded more like a pathetic whimper than an actual question. 

Baekhyun looked at him, behind a fan of long eyelashes. 

“It sounds nuts.” he said bluntly, “But it also sound too ridiculous to be made-up. That or you’re either a creep or lost your mind. Because how else would you know that I peed my pants in 4th grade.”

Jongdae chuckled awkwardly. “Gods, that was embarrassing.”

“I think it was more embarrassing for me!” protested Baekhyun loudly.

“No, no!” Jongdae shook his head laughing, “Imagine. I was following you for centuries, saw you doing many things and by that time I had a lot of respect for you and then… I saw you pee your pants because you got scared of a mantis!”

“It was huge!” Baekhyun shivered at the memory and hitting Jongdae in the arms, which resulted in him laughing even harder. Baekhyun shoot him a very annoyed glare.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jongdae raised his hands in defence but his kitten-like lips were still visibly turned upwards. “It’s just… I could never really talk to anyone about this.” he added sheepishly. 

Baekhyun frowned again. Jongdae could almost see the cogs turning in his head. He would give him time - he decided. The fact that Baekhyun at least listened to Jongdae’s chaotic story was a success on its own. The fact that he didn’t walk away once Jongdae was done was a huge accomplishment. Demanding from Baekhyun to accept the truth right away would be an insult. Not that it helped the anxiety that was tearing Jongdae apart.

“So… let’s say that all of this is true,” Baekhyun picked up after a couple of minutes, “And you really have been following my past incarnations all your life,” Jongdae hummed patiently, “Then why didn’t you become human earlier? Like in the 80s when he- I mean _ I  _ from the past, l-loved you?”

“Actually he never told me that he loved me.” protested Jongdae weakly.

Baekhyun waved his hand, “Oh, please... if he was anything like me, then he must have been head over heels for you.” he clicked his tongue, crossing his legs. “Answer the question. Why did you become human back then?”

“You say it as if I had any choice,” replied Jongdae reluctantly, “I have no idea how or why I was pulled back into the real world. One moment I was happily ghosting around and the next you said my name and bam! Welcome to the land of the living!” snorted Jongdae sarcastically.

_ It wasn’t that he hadn’t asked this question to himself dozens of times. _

Baekhyun rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Do you think it had anything to do with me saying your name?” he asked hesitantly.

Jongdae shrugged, spreading his hands helplessly. “I don’t know. Maybe. I never gave my name to Him. I never shared my name with you in the past.”

“Even in the 80s?” Baekhyun raised his eyebrow.

“Even then. Y- he called me ‘ _ Chen _ ’ back then.”

“Chen?” repeated Baekhyun carefully, letting the name slide down and settle between them. Jongdae shuddered. 

“Chen.” Jongdae confirmed swiftly. 

“I like the sound of that…” Baekhyun mumbled under his breath. 

His fingers were timidly picking at the tissue he was holding. He wheezed quietly and dropped his head down. Jongdae patiently waited. He was a patient man after all. After a couple of moments he mumbled something about making them tea and with a heavy heart raised from the couch and trailed to the kitchen. He didn’t want to leave Baekhyun’s side but he had a feeling that his boyfriend needed a minute or two alone, without attentive and hopeful eyes, following his every gesture.

Jongdae watched the water boil in his transparent kettle, resting his chin on the back of his palm. He couldn’t help but wonder what Baekhyun was thinking about all of that. The confusion and shock were probably the strongest emotions but what about the rest? Fear? Concern? Maybe even disgust? As long as Baekhyun wouldn’t cut all his ties with him, Jongdae would be happy. He wasn’t sure if he could ask for anything more.

The only thing he hoped for was that he wouldn’t suddenly hear the sound of closing front door. 

Centuries lasted less than those minutes Jongdae spent on watching the water boil.

At the end, it wasn’t his hands that turned off the kettle and poured the water into the mugs. Jongdae mesmerized, without turning around traced with his eyes as long fingers carefully wrapped around the handle of the kettle and put it back in its place. 

Baekhyun rested his chin in the crook of Jongdae’s neck, leaving a shadowy kiss on his ear. 

“I thought you fled away because you weren’t coming back for so long…” mumbled Baekhyun, his lips brushing against the side of Jongdae’s neck.

“Ran away from my own apartment?” Jongdae joked forcefully, as if he wasn’t afraid of his boyfriend doing the same exact thing.

“Yeah… That or you just you know… ghost away.” Baekhyun said faintly. His arms made their way around Jongdae’s waist, trapping him securely in the firm hold.

The laugh came out of Jongdae suddenly, like a bark of a dog, “It doesn’t work like that.”

“Doesn’t it?” asked Baekhyun snuggling to Jongdae’s back. His heart was beating so hard that he was scared it would rip out his chest.

“No,” Jongdae shook his head, “Or at least I don’t think it does…” His hand went to his stomach and tentatively slipped over Baekhyun’s fingers. 

The tea was standing on the counter long forgotten. 

Baekhyun squeezed his arms tighter around Jongdae’s waist. Hot breath was fanning the side of his neck.

“Jongdae…” started Baekhyun hesitantly and if Jongdae wasn’t standing this close, he wouldn’t be able to hear that.

“Hmm?”

“Say… Do you think that you love me only because you loved me in the past?” it barely sounded like a question, more like a statement that was only wearing a signs of a question. Above all, however, it sounded more like a sob than anything else.

As soon as the sentence hang in the air, Baekhyun pressed his face close to Jongdae’s boney shoulder. 

“What.” Jongdae was at a loss of words. Once he realized how wrong his question sounded, he twirled, his hands swiftly moving at Baekhyun’s waist. “God, Baekhyun no. Absolutely and definitely no.” 

“How could you be sure?” huffed Baekhyun in response. His eyes were red and puffy, just like that one time when he sniffed daffodils and pollens got into his nose. 

Jongdae bit his lips.

“I know because my love has changed over time,” he said finally, “I think I grew up a lot and so did my love for you. At first it was just admiration and affection, then it became something much more tender, later… well, later I was just jealous over everyone who looked at you and then, in the 80s, I went through my puppy-love stage I suppose, until finally - _ finally  _ \- learning how to love you with all your flaws and imperfections.” one Jongdae finished, he realized that he was slightly out of his breath. Distressed he rested his forehead on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

Soft humming vibrated through Baekhyun’s chest. 

“So you went through all the stages that I went through over the past year. Is that what you’re trying to say?”

Corners of Jongdae’s lips curled up, hearing the faint mocking undertone in Baekhyun’s voice. 

“You couldn’t make it sound worse, could you?” groaned Jongdae.

Baekhyun gently patted the top of his head. 

“I’d never lose an opportunity to pester my younger boyfriend,” grin in his voice was audible.

“Younger?” Jongdae asked in disbelief, raising his head and looking into Baekhyun’s eyes. They were curled into two crescents. 

“Well you were born in September and I was born in May so…”

“Yeah but you were born in 1992 while I was born in 1364!” whined Jongdae softly.

“Ugh, when you say it like that it’s almost disgusting!” Baekhyun rolled his eyes and put a hand on the top of Jongdae’s chest, trying to push him away. There was no force behind his gesture. “I’m not sure if I want to engage in a relationship with an ancient fossil. And a stalker.”

Jongdae groaned, “Can you just stay silent for like a minute? I thought that we were having a moment here…”

“Oh, but we were. It’s over now.” grinned Baekhyun again but before Jongdae could respond, he leaned in a kissed him square on the mouth.

Jongdae however leaned back almost instantly, feeling the pressure on his lips.

“Wait,” he stopped Baekhyun from following after him, “I need to ask… Are you okay with, you know, all of that?” he gestured at himself with sour smile plastered on his face.

Baekhyun shrugged, “I guess that not everything sank in yet but… Well, let’s just say that it is kind of flattering to have a guy chasing after you for centuries.”

Jongdae stared at him for a moment before shaking his head, shy smile decorating his features.

“If anyone could find it flattering, it’s only you.” he sighed and pulled Baekhyun closer.

“Listen, I didn’t have much of a choice since my boyfriend is an emotional baby apparently and I had to wait  _ really long  _ for him to grow up and-”

The kiss Jongdae pressed onto his lips was the sweetest of kisses that Baekhyun had shared in this and his past incarnations. 

He didn’t need to remember them to be sure of that.

* * *

_ 5th May 2019, _

_ Seoul, South Korea _

“For you!” declared Baekhyun with excitement, putting a small box on Jongdae’s table. The smile on his face was positively blinding.

Jongdae adjusted glasses that were slipping off his nose and eyed the box suspiciously. He didn’t like the loud  _ thud _ that resonated when it landed on the table. Knowing Baekhyun, just because the box was small, didn’t mean that it couldn’t be potentially dangerous.

“Oh, come on. Don’t give me that look, Jongdae! Open it” laughed Baekhyun, pushing the box further. “Please? For me?” he batted his eyelashes innocently, only intensifying Jongdae’s suspicions. 

“I don’t trust you.” admitted Jongdae, touching the side of the box and scratching his nose. 

“Consider it your first happy anniversary present!” Baekhyun grinned and leaned over the table to peck Jongdae’s lips. “I couldn’t wait any longer with this!” he clapped with excitement.

Sighing heavily Jongdae put away his book and pulled the box closer. 

It was really small, it couldn’t be much bigger than his hand.

“Well, I hope it’s not an engagement ring.” he joked anxiously, thoughts wandering to the tiny box that was safely hidden in his drawer. It would be a fail of the century if Baekhyun proposed to him instead of the other way around.

But Baekhyun only chuckled awkwardly looking away. “What? No. Don’t worry, babe. I wouldn’t propose to you like  _ that _ .” 

Jongdae found the blush on Baekhyun’s cheeks adorable. He allowed himself to look at his frustrated boyfriend for a second or two longer, before lying his attention back on the box. Hesitantly he took it in hands. Just as he expected - it was heavy. Much heavier than potential ring.  _ Good.  _

“Just open it, Kim Jongdae.” encouraged Baekhyun, once Jongdae inspected the box from each side. He had no clue what could be hidden inside.

Driven by curiosity and pushed by the pure excitement vibrating from Baekhyun, Jongdae carefully pulled at the ribbon that was neatly wrapped around the box. The strip elegantly slipped down his wrist. Baekhyun groaned at the tempo of movement, startling a laugh of Jongdae. 

“Let me enjoy this moment.” 

“I’m going to grow old here, before you open it.” cried Baekhyun, drumming fingers against his hip. 

“Well then, I will make sure that your next incarnation sees me opening it.” Jongdae smiled widely and abruptly raised the cover of the box. 

His eyes widened and his mouth parted. For a moment Jongdae was staring at the content of the box before he finally put it down. His fingers carefully cradled the object, pulling it out. He sniffed soundlessly.

“You don’t like it, do you?” Baekhyun spoke up quietly.

Jongdae’s breath hitched and quickly shook his head. “I love it.” he whispered.

Baekhyun quickly padded around the table and put his hands on Jongdae’s shoulders, forcing him to turn around.

“Then why are you crying?” he asked softly, taking the ink stick case out of Jongdae’s hands.

“Because… because I’ve always wanted one of those. But before I could touch it, people stopped using them…” he admitted defencelessly.

“I know. You told me that once.” Baekhyun smiled, gently caressing Jongdae’s cheek. “You also told me that one could give it as a courting gift.” 

Jongdae sneered and wiped the tears that gathered in his eyes. 

“Well, yes. But you know, times have changed… Nowadays a new car would work just in the same way,” he hummed thoughtfully, “Sometimes you have to move with the times…”

“I do?” inquired Baekhyun, leaning closer and levelling their faces.

Jongdae’s lips were curled up in his significant kitten-like smile. He looked like a pleased cat.

“I will think of that.” murmured Baekhyun, closing the gap between their lips.

He hoped that a ring that he was planning to give Jongdae this afternoon would be actually well-appreciated.

_ The end. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. The last part of this story. I hope that you enjoyed the ride, even if some bits were too long or ja little bit boring!   
Big shout-out to my incredible beta @kpoppie-memexo on tumblr who never stopped encouraging me and beta read the whole thing! Wow, just wow!  
I had lots of fun writing this story and tbh it's shocking that I managed to finish it in a span of a month(ish)!   
If it made you laugh, cry or smile at least once, I would really appreciate it if you left a comment. 
> 
> Once again, thank you all for the support, kudos and reading this fic in general!

**Author's Note:**

> Stay updated about my writing on my tt @sunwritten_


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